Fast Times 2013

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Happy New Year! Where does the time go? I had high hopes and obviously grandiose expectations for an end of the year wrap up post, a year of races post, recaps of two late fall races and another Skin Deep post. The posts are all written…in my head. If only there was a way to synch my mind with my computer I would be a prolific blogger.

I love this blogging thing and wish I could devote more time to honing my writing and photography skills. I love the therapeutic aspect of writing my thoughts and feelings. It’s been beneficial simply to get it out, but even more helpful to hear feedback from others who graciously take the time to comment here.

I have felt very welcomed by the community of bloggers I have joined. I am reading even if you don’t see a comment from me. Technical issues took up a great deal of time in the last few months. For some reason my phone does not allow me to comment on certain blogs. I enjoy tech troubleshooting so it annoys me that I can’t figure out the problem. My 2008 MacBook has given me a run for my money this year. After countless trips to the Genius Bar at my local Apple Store I installed new RAM and a new hard drive on my own. Prior to these interventions the computer ran so slowly it was impossible to do anything without being locked out by the swirling ball of frustration. It’s a running much better now thankfully so maybe I can get blog posts done more frequently.

From November through the New Year life rolled along at breakneck speed. Here are some highlights:

  • I am now the proud wearer of Invisalign braces! Long story short although I had braces at the very early age of 10 my bottom teeth have turned inward and I need to straighten them so I can finish an unresolved issue on my top teeth. I don’t believe they are invisible and though I am grateful to have the good fortune to fix this issue they are an uncomfortable nuisance.
  • I ran the Monson Memorial Classic Half Marathon (cute pics of Carlos if you click the link!) again in November. I ran it for the first time in 2011 less than two months after breaking a rib during my training for the Disney Marathon. It was my slowest half marathon time. This time I ran an unbelievable race and enjoyed a truly unexpected PR. I will eventually write about it because it’s a race I would like to remember.
  • My husband, son and I ran the Northampton Hot Chocolate 5K in early December. I first ran this race in 2010. This time Orlando and Carlos ran together with my friend Mary’s daughter. Carlos did amazing. He ran the entire race and finished in just over 32 minutes. I stayed back with Mary who hasn’t run in years and suffers from tremendous knee pain at times. This was an interesting experience for me and one I would really like to elaborate on in a future post.
  • I helped run the Secret Santa Gift Shop at my son’s school which is a three day event where the kids get to shop for their families.
  • I adopted a whole foods plant based diet aka vegan after being vegetarian for three years.
  • Carlos and I enjoyed an impromptu two days in New York City with my sister. We went to the top of the Empire State Building, walked a bit of Central Park, saw Rockefeller Center, went to the Lego Store, the Apple Store and F.A.O. Schwartz.
  • Thanks to my sister I had the good fortune of dining at the organic vegan Candle Cafe in NYC. It was incredibly delicious.
  • My baby boy turned 7. I really wish time would slow down. Legos are all the rage in his life right now. Our guest room has been turned into Lego City.

    Legos have taken over my home!

    A new Lego truck

  • Christmas came and went with little fanfare. Orlando and I got iPads for each other. I got the mini and he got the new iPad Air.
  • I worked a lot of overtime in December. My husband got laid off on December 16th which always causes a bit of distress initially. Fortunately he started back at work the week after Christmas. This has been a very unpredictable year for him. I have been lucky to pick up overtime often, but more work means less blogging, reading and other nonessential “fun” activities.
  • Carlos got old school Battleship for Christmas and we have been having so much fun playing it together, such a great game!
  • We spent New Year’s Eve at my friend’s home in upstate New York. It was a fitting way to close the year. She is one of my dearest friends and I have been honored to be welcomed into her trusted circle of friends this year as she bravely battled breast cancer. This, in and of itself is challenging, but she did it while pregnant with her second child. She is a warrior! My friend and her husband now have a gorgeous baby girl who is healthy and so very happy. I couldn’t wait to hold her. She just sat there blissfully in my arms. As I watched my friend and her beautiful family my heart filled with so many emotions just thinking of all she has been through this year. It was an important reminder for me to not take the goodness of life for granted.

I learned a lot about myself this year. I ran a lot this year.  I shattered my fitness goals. I have taken up yoga pretty seriously and hope to continue to improve and grow in my practice.

Despite all of these milestones I have found myself in the throes of emotional eating on and off since October. Just as things improved the holidays triggered the behavior once again. I realize that my journey with weight, food issues and body image distortion are far from over. I have more tools now to cope with emotional eating so that I don’t incur a weight gain, but the fact that I’m still struggling with certain behaviors is frustrating and a bit frightening.

It’s a new year and as with the past 7 new years I intend to continue to grow, change and improve myself and my life. Having Carlos 7 years ago sparked a fire inside of me that has encouraged me to be the best person I can be. I can always be better. Improvement requires change. Change is difficult. It means facing fears, looking inside of yourself and digging up hidden truths, trying new things and most importantly it means failing.

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” C.S. Lewis

A Very Long Run

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I have become increasingly more intrigued by ultra marathons this year. When I told a fellow runner and ultra marathoner/triathlete that I was considering an ultra marathon next year he told me he had the perfect race for me. Seth’s Fat Ass 50K is a local ultra in mid-December. However, it wasn’t quite what I envisioned when I thought about ultra running. Ultras are usually on trail. This was 10 loops of a well known 5K course at a local park. The thought of it was kind of mind numbing. Yet I was anxious to see if I was capable of running beyond the marathon distance and I preferred beginning with a 50K as opposed to a 50 miler.

The Fat Ass race was started in California in 1978 by Joe Oakes, an ultra marathoner who needed a qualifying race for the Western States 100. The first took place around New Year’s and the idea was to encourage people to shake off the holiday heaviness by getting off your “fat ass and move!” The race was no frills – “free entry, no medals or fan fare” and participants are free to run as little or as much of the race as they wish. Today there are about 25 Fat Ass races all over the country. Some take place before the holidays, some after; some are 50Ks, some 50 milers.

About 5 years ago Seth Roberts got tired of trekking up to North Adams, MA for the annual Fat Ass ultra so he decided to start one of his own in Springfield, MA. Much like the original Fat Ass races the registration form announces “No Prizes, No Wimps!” The race features one aid station with water, Gatorade and refreshments that you pass through at the end of each loop. You are welcome to leave your own gear and fuel as well.

Seth’s Fat Ass 50 (50K)

The race began promptly at 8:30 a.m. The course starts with a short uphill climb. My B goal was to finish in the 7 hour time frame and my A goal was to finish in under 6 hours so the name of the game for me was slow and steady. I ran up the hill on the start then settled into a gentle pace. From there on in the aid station and the hill were the only parts of the course I walked.

After the first five loops it was a bit like being in that movie Groudhog Day. The repetition of the course was both a blessing and a curse. It gave you the advantage of knowing what to expect while simultaneously yielding boredom because it is a dull course to begin with. I dug deep into my thoughts, tuned out to my music, lip synched, wrote mental lists of things to be done before Christmas and zoned out. I also began to obsess about how many loops I had left. I started doing math in my head trying to figure out if I had to run up to 10 or go to 11 to make it 10 full loops (confused? me too!).

The temperature remained in the teens throughout the race. It snowed the entire time, mostly a light snowfall, but heavier towards the end. I wore new Under Armour waterproof running pants and sweatshirt both a lifesaver. I kept hand warmers inside my gloves and ear muffs on throughout the race. I never shed any layers, but what I wore was comfortable for the event. 

I didn’t overanalyze the race prior to the start. I signed up at the very last minute once I was sure my schedule would allow it. I didn’t formally train. I did my best to maintain my level of fitness from the Montreal Marathon.  To think about the distance was daunting, but I wanted to try it to see if I might possibly be able to handle a 50 miler someday. Once the decision was made to run the race I told myself that it was simply a really long run.

According to a local news article 115 runners registered for the race, but only 88 showed up at the start due to an imminent snow storm. Out of the 88 runners who started the race only 38 finished the race. I was one of those 38! It took me 5 hours and 40 minutes. The organizers, runner and volunteers were a supportive, enthusiastic and kind bunch of people. It was an awesome experience.

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right.” – Henry Ford

Mystery race

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I’m sitting on a train on my way home from a quick sightseeing trip to New York City. My son went home with my sister to spend a little more auntie/nephew time before their shared birthday next week. So I find myself alone and very contemplative. Fortunately I was also very sleepy so my thoughts did not consume me. However, with t-15 minutes to home I am awake and thinking about the fact that at 8:30 tomorrow morning I will run the longest and perhaps craziest race I have ever run. It’s almost laughable to think about. I waited until Monday to mail the registration, the deadline. I haven’t exactly trained for it with my typical organized training schedule. Instead I’ve mixed up my workouts with more weight training and yoga. My runs are shorter but faster these days. My eating is overall cleaner despite the issues I mentioned in my last post.

I’m appropriately scared and excited about this endeavor. Some people finish this race, but many purposely do not. I am an all or nothing kind of a person so I expect to finish. Then I’ll tell you all about it.

Free Flow Friday: Brain Drain

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I’ve got 15 minutes to let it all out. I’ve been off kilter ever since the Montreal Marathon. Usually when I’m feeling off it’s related to my weight or even more my body image. It’s a never ending battle for me. Since the marathon I’ve been basically stable at the weight I’m at now though I’ve been as much as 8 pounds lower in the past year. I am still about 15 pounds from my “goal weight.” I am short, 5’2″ and the weight I’m at now puts me in the overweight category on the BMI scale. Before you read me the riot act about numbers and charts please understand this, if I had to stay forever at the weight I’m at today I could do it and live a comfortable, content life only if I knew there was nothing else that could be done. However, if I’m being honest then I have to admit I am not comfortable or content at this weight. My body is a source of such frustration.

I have a quintessential pear shaped body, smaller on top, comes in at the waist before billowing out on the bottom. I’m all hips, butt and thighs! My calves are large too which prevents me from wearing the cute boots that everyone seems to be wearing today. And don’t tell me they have extenders for the boots! I know all about them and they still don’t work for me.

Forget about fashion…I am hopeless when it comes to dressing myself. If it’s not scrubs or workout clothes I’m totally clueless. I spent Black Friday shopping for an outfit to wear to my cousin’s bridal shower the next morning. After hours of trying my best to ignore the throngs of shoppers I returned home empty handed and feeling defeated. For the first time in my life I had no trouble fitting into clothes, but it’s the way the clothing fit that bothered me. I found an adorable dress, but as most dresses go it was too big on the top and fit perfectly on the bottom.  I’m basically two different sizes. You would think some designer would create a line to target my body type. I know I’m not the only one out there. I ended up wearing the black dress I wore to my grandmother’s way last year. It was fine, but not exactly the mood I was going for at a breakfast bridal shower.

I am constantly comparing myself to other women particularly my sister. I’ll never be her. NEVER! She is very thin. We have different body types. Hers is athletic and lacks the womanly curves mine flaunts every chance it gets. The women in Mozambique used to make an outline of my body in the air while describing what a great child bearer I would make one day! I don’t hate my curves, but I know the way I dress and my weight accentuates them in a negative way. My sister is always so put together. She wears expensive clothing and carries herself in such a professional, mature way. I genuinely feel as though I am a foot shorter than I really am, at least 10 pounds larger and I imagine I look like a frumpy, disheveled mess all the time no matter how much I primp and prepare.

I’m angry with myself for thinking so badly about my body lately. I shouldn’t feel this way. Hell my husband is extremely pleased with my body, more so than ever before. He has never made me feel uncomfortable about my body, but it’s certainly nice to know that he appreciates the changes that have taken place over the last several years. I wish I could see what he sees.

My weight loss journey has taken so long. It’s been slow and often unpredictable. I can’t show you a weight loss chart that starts above 200 pounds and consistently decreases week after week. No mine is all over the freaking place. The trend for me over the last couple of years is to shed about 10 pounds and then hang out at a certain weight for a while. I don’t consider these plateaus, but rather periods of maintenance. I learn valuable lessons along the way, but sometimes like lately I just can’t stand to be at a standstill anymore. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep and breathe my weight, weight loss, diet, and exercise. It’s mentally draining and physically demanding.

I’ve worked very very hard to get to where I’m at today. I’m not going to give up. I may never reach that number on the scale, but I will never watch that scale go above where I’m now. As crabby as I am today about my body, I know gaining weight is not the answer. So why do I keep reverting to old behaviors lately? I’ve had a few days of lunch time binge eating. Since I’m now wearing Invisalign (a story for a different day), I’ve also recently switched to a vegan diet (another story for a different day) and I don’t have much processed food in the house to begin with these binges are mostly fruit and vegetable based with a little too much peanut butter or hummus thrown in! I may be adding an air of humor to this, but it’s not funny. I’ve struggled with occasional binge eating/overeating for all of my adult life. I love to eat dammit! It’s like my stomach is a black hole that never fills. I get a taste for something, usually sweet, and I have to have it STAT! I have come a considerably long way in coping with this issue, but lately it’s reared its very ugly head leading me to try to analyze why I’m giving in to such negative behaviors.

I’m all over the place with my emotions, my thoughts, my schedule and my life lately. I needed an outlet today and this is it. Don’t berate me for being whiny please. I am an extremely fortunate person with a wonderful life. I’m grateful for my health and the well being of myself and my family. However, I suspect that some of the binge behavior is due to the fact that I’ve been keeping a lot of this bottled up. I need to let it out and I don’t really have anyone but my husband to talk to. He will listen, but he cannot relate. I have friends, but let’s face it everyone is busy with their own lives.

I just wanted to start releasing some of what has been inside of me for weeks now in an attempt to move forward. I’ve let my food journal lapse, but I intend to pick that habit up again starting right now. I’m currently not training for anything in particular, but I hope to set a new plan by the end of the weekend with some solid fitness goals for the new year. Other than that I’m not making any other promises. All I know is I vehemently refuse to enter 2014 feeling this way both physically and emotionally.

Montreal Marathon Recap

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I wrote about my training and my marathon results, but for some reason I haven’t been able to finish this post about race day and actually running the Montreal Marathon.

We stayed at Le Nouvel Hotel in Montreal. It was a short walk to the metro from the hotel and a quick metro ride to the starting area. I headed out into the cold, rainy early morning alone. Orlando and Carlos would meet me later at the finish line. The metro was packed with runners so I wasn’t worried about getting lost. 

I arrived at the starting area with plenty of time to spare so I jumped in line for the port-a-johns. The girl in front of me was beside herself because she had never used a port-a-john. When it was her turn she let me go ahead of her! I wonder if she ever mustered up enough courage to go inside.

The entrance to the Jacques Cartier Bridge was jamming with a live band and swarms of runners. I retreated to a grassy area nearby. It was a dreary morning, but the rain had subsided for the time being. I took the opportunity to stretch and relax. It was nice to take time to clear my mind, stretch my body and just be in the moment.

About 30 minutes before the start I began to walk to my corral, Corral 18. As I was walking up the Jacques Cartier Bridge I noticed in contrast to my red bib everyone else seemed to be wearing green bibs causing me to worry that I had been given the wrong bib. When I finally spotted another red bib I asked which race she running. I was relieved when she said the red bibs were for the full marathon and the green bibs were for the half. There were approximately 14,000 runners in the half marathon and only 4,000 running the full marathon.

I settled into my corral and got to chatting with some friendly women from Montreal. Both were in their 50s and doing the half marathon. One had lived in China and ran the Great Wall adventure marathon and the Beijing Marathon (I thought of you Carina ). She was running the half that day in preparation for the Marine Corps Marathon in October. The other woman had qualified for Boston during her very first marathon in her 20s. She had been out of running for some time and this was her first long race in many years.

As we chatted the rain returned and really began to pick up. I marveled at the sheer ingenuity of so many of the runners who came equipped with a simple trash bag over their head. Absolutely ridiculously brilliant, simple and cheap! Guess who now has a trash bag in her running bag?! I had a throw away sweatshirt on with a hood and gloves to keep my hands warm which turned out to be enough.

We made our way very slowly across the Jacques Cartier Bridge towards the actual starting line. Corral after corral we inched closer and closer. My legs were getting antsy and I was itching to run. Finally after at least 45 minutes Corral 18 took off. The rain was coming down at a good clip and I had ditched my sweatshirt already. I really didn’t care too much about the rain. I was more focused on keeping my feet out of puddles. Running with soaking wet shoes that early would not be fun.

What's a little rain?

What’s a little rain?

During the first 5 miles I excitedly spotted the 4:30 pacer. I somehow managed to pull ahead of her and stayed in front of her for the rest of the race. I was very satisfied with that, but I continued to be on the lookout for the 4:15 pacer to know I had a good cushion for time. I never did see the 4:15 pacer!

At approximately the 10K mark we crossed the St. Lawrence river again via the Concorde Bridge. I love running over bridges. I frequently run across a nearby bridge into a neighboring town just to glimpse views of the river. Before reaching the end of the bridge I realized the rain had stopped. The weather continued to be overcast for the rest of the race, but no more rain! On the other side of the river we ran through Old Montreal, past the Notre Dame Basilica and up the bustling Ste Catherine Street. At Lafontaine Park we broke with the half marathoners. This would also be the finishing point for the full marathon. The spectator support was fabulous through Old Montreal and grew in intensity as we neared Lafontaine Park. This was the finish area and also where we would break off from the half marathoners.

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However, as I cheered the runners whizzing by me who were finishing the half marathon the noise and excitement of the race also disappeared. I looked ahead and saw two lone runners way up in front of me. I jerked my head to look behind me and realized I was basically alone. At this point I settled into my pace and into my thoughts. I felt great, better than I had expected both mentally and physically.

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The second half of the course meandered north through some rather quiet streets before turning east towards the Botanical Gardens and Olympic Stadium, neither of which I remember passing because I believe we just ran past the outside of the sites. There were wonderful volunteers along the back half of the course and because it is a Rock ‘n’ Roll marathon there were bands in various places along the route. Before the finish line was even in sight I could hear the roar of the cheering spectators. It is still amazing to me that people come to cheer their hearts out for the runners. It brings tears to my eyes every time. Montreal supporters did not disappoint.

Almost there!

Almost there!

As the finish chute came into sight I felt a surge of energy ignite my body. It was as though I was just beginning my run as opposed to finishing 26.2 miles. The last quarter of a mile or so was like an out of body experience. Just before I crossed the finish line I caught sight of my husband and son to the right beyond the finish. “Yes,” I thought, “they made it!”

Montreal Marathon Mom!

Montreal Marathon Mom! Together we are Boston Strong!!

And so did I!

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A proud moment

This post has taken me so long to write. Sometimes I feel really alone in this running journey. No one around me really “gets it.” This race started out as just another marathon, yet it turned into so much more. I knew I had a good chance of running a sub 4:30 marathon which for someone like me is a huge accomplishment so to run it in 4:16:35 is still a bit mind boggling. I exceeded my own expectations far beyond what I believed to be possible for me as a runner. I’m not sure how to channel that right now. I’m exploring goals I have previously scoffed at, but now they don’t seem so strange or unattainable. I have a desire to run longer races and I can’t quite explain why. Yet I feel I need to explain why before I sign up for one. I don’t just want to run though, I want to run healthy and clean. I also want to feel strong and flexible. I’m not sure exactly what is next for me, but I am anxious and excited to find out. I am also a little bit terrified.

“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” Henry Ford

Free Flow Friday

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Another edition of my random thoughts posted via the talk to text feature on my phone.

I really love the new iTunes Radio. I’m currently listening to an Avicii station at the gym.

Today’s workout is Jamie Eason’s Live Trainer phase 1 week 4 chest/triceps. I tend to go out of order on the days. So far I really like this program because it gives me some structure and guidance in the gym. Plus all of the exercises have accompanying video demonstrations.

Oh my goodness why am I so emotional. Seriously I have no self-esteem or confidence lately.

Halloween trick or treating was a success despite the rain. Now I have to figure out how to slowly get rid of the massive quantity of candy without Carlos noticing.

Mission accomplished

Mission accomplished

We just got new neighbors yesterday. Hopefully they are friendlier than the last neighbors.

I really enjoy podcasts. My favorites are Roni’s Weigh, The Rich Roll Podcast, Half Size Me and No Meat Athlete.

White socks and little boys make no sense.

I just paid $3.19 per gallon of gas at Stop & Shop. It’s sad that i’m excited by this.

I’m washing my bed linens today. It takes 3 loads to do them all.

Taking Carlos and his friend to Kick or Treat event through Carlos’ soccer program. More candy coming their way!

The boys are having such interesting conversation about butts, poop, diarrhea and farts. They are talking about it while eating!

Carlos lost a shin pad during soccer and actually tried to blame it on me.

House Hunters in Athens, Greece – the couple is most concerned about getting a piano in the apartment. Also the guy looks very much like Howard Stern.

We ordered pizza tonight after soccer. I didn’t eat any because I don’t eat dairy anymore. It was my favorite pizza with fresh roasted tomatoes, feta and artichoke hearts. I made a kale salad for myself. Sometimes it’s really difficult to eat differently, but I feel so much better eating a certain diet.

Since I’m not eating dairy that means no milk chocolate which makes eating most of Carlos’ Halloween candy off limits. I have not touched one piece of candy this year. I feel great and very in control right now.

Election Day on Tuesday…go vote!

Watching the local news and turns out that guy Penn from Penn and Teller is from Greenfield, MA about 45 minutes north of where I love. Who knew?

I went to vinyasa yoga class twice this week. I love it but it’s really challenging. I want to be good at yoga someday.

It’s a late night and already 11:30. Time for bed. Long run in the morning, soccer, more soccer, afternoon Fright Fest at Six Flags and date night with my husband on the agenda tomorrow.

A Pink Ribbon of Hope

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I cannot let October slip away without discussing one very important topic. October has become synonymous with Breast Cancer Awareness and the pink ribbon. I think we all know someone in our lives who has been affected by breast cancer.  The dedication to promoting breast cancer awareness has resulted in such great advances for both detecting and treating the disease. Per the American Cancer Society there are currently 2.8 million breast cancer survivors here in the this country and a steady decline in death rates since 1989 due largely in part to emphasis on early detection, education and improved treatment.

Breast Cancer Awareness

I have a dear friend who is battling breast cancer. This amazing woman, whom I have mentioned on the blog before, most recently in my marathon training post, also gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl on 10/11/13. This baby is nothing short of a miracle. Very soon after learning she was pregnant with her second child, my friend received the terrifying news that she had breast cancer. In the face of adversity my friend looked it straight in the eye, flipped the big C the bird, put on her boxing gloves and has been beating the hell out of breast cancer from day one. I have no doubt that she will win. She has an incredibly positive attitude, a fighting spirit and the love and support of so many. I have spent the better part of this year praying for the healing of my friend. I would do anything possible to help her, but given the distance between us I’ve mostly sat on the sidelines offering my support from afar.

My friend reminded all the women in her life to please utilize the tools available to screen for early detection of breast cancer. These tools include self-breast exams, routine visits to a gynecologist and yearly mammograms from age 40 if no history is present. A week before my 40th birthday I called my OB/Gyn doctor and scheduled my first mammogram. Ladies please, if you are over the age of 40 and have never had a mammogram go get one if possible. My experience was surprisingly quick and painless. I was in and out of the office in about 35 minutes. There was a little pressure on the breasts, but it was over very quickly.

There are so many ways to support this cause. The National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website is a wealth of resources. You can donate money, run a 5K, buy products designated with a pink ribbon or simply pray for all of the brave men and women fighting their own personal battle against breast cancer.

Race Together Fight Together

Race Together Fight Together

October Redo

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I am stunned that this month is one day away from being over. Where did it go? More importantly how did it pass by without apple picking, pumpkin carving, pumpkin seed roasting or hot apple cider drinking?

Here’s a very brief glimpse into the month. It was a whirlwind of many fun outdoor activities. Probably the only thing not featured in the photo gallery are photos of soccer and the soccer field is definitely the place we spent the most time!

So October I wouldn’t mind a redo. You are my favorite month after all and you flew by in the blink of an eye. As I sit here typing this by the warmth of my space heater I’m not sure how much fall we have left. There are still lots of leaves to rake which means leaf piles to jump in. The pumpkins might still get carved and perhaps there are even apples left to pick. If not there is definitely plenty of hot apple cider to drink.

 

Bragging Rights Guest Post: Deb

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Since embarking on this journey to lose weight, become physically fit and lead a healthy lifestyle I have received so much inspiration, support and motivation from blogs. I love the excitement and enthusiasm in the posts of bloggers who reach their goal weight, PR a race, lift a bigger weight or fit into a new size of jeans. I also appreciate the raw honesty of bloggers who share the challenges and obstacles they face along the way. The reader comments are typically full of encouragement, cheers and helpful advice. 

For me the blog has been a great space to share my love of running and how it is helping me to come to terms with my lifelong struggle with weight, poor body image and lack of confidence. Part of this process for me is learning to be proud of my accomplishments and ultimately to really love this new person I am becoming. We are so quick to put ourselves down. I am great at doing that, but I have difficulty accepting a compliment or singing my own praises. When I wrote the post Bragging Rights  it was also a call to anyone who wanted to share something awesome that they have accomplished.

Deb has recently celebrated a couple of big accomplishments. She graciously agreed to write a guest post. I’m so honored to share Deb’s inspiring story here.

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My name is Deb, and I am a runner.

A little over a year ago, I would have never believed it.  I was a depressed, 100 pound overweight semi-couch potato.  I say “semi” because, like Aimee, I am an RN who works night shift.  Any nurse will tell you, we get plenty of “exercise” running up and down the hallway for eight to sixteen hours at a time. But, all that “exercise” I had over the last 27 years didn’t prevent me from becoming morbidly obese.

I think we can all agree that it’s challenging enough to exercise and lose weight.  But, when you work nightshift, it’s like climbing Mount Everest.  Well, maybe not quite THAT hard.  But, I’m sure you can appreciate the obstacles.  When you’re chronically sleep deprived, unhealthy carbs are the stimulant of choice, and there is usually no shortage of them – chocolate kisses at the front desk, donuts in the staff lounge, and a multitude of sweet or salty options in the vending machines.  And, that’s just on a regular night.  During the holidays, it’s a veritable smorgasbord of cookies, cakes and brownies!  As for healthy eating habits, sitting down for a meal is not always possible, especially on a busy labor & delivery unit.  Donuts are great for eating on the run!  As for “real” exercise, when faced with the choice between a treadmill and a nap on the couch, the nap is pretty hard to resist.

But, “choice” is the operative word here, isn’t it?

Last year, I realized it was past time to start making better choices.  No more yo-yo dieting.  No more binge eating. No more mindless snacking.  No more excuses for not exercising.  I knew that if I continued on the same path I was on, I would dread my 50th birthday; I would never know the joy of slipping into a size 10 and loving what I see in the mirror; I would never let my husband see me naked again; I would never know the simple pleasure of walking uphill without getting out of breath; I may die of some chronic illness and never get to enjoy my future grandchildren.  When I looked at it that way, the choice became quite clear.

I’ve lost weight before, too many times to mention.  I’ve always fallen off the diet bandwagon and ran out of steam before ever reaching my weight loss and fitness goals.  But, THIS time, I decided to go public.  I confessed to my family, and all of my friends and coworkers, that I was embarrassed that I let myself become so overweight and out of shape; that I avoided having my picture taken, and didn’t attend family gatherings and other social outings because I was ashamed of my appearance; that I didn’t want to hide anymore because I missed them. I asked them to keep me accountable and I promised them that with their help, I would commit to taking better care of myself.

I received such an outpouring of love and support, that I cannot begin to express my gratitude. It made me finally realize I AM worthy.

More than anything, I’ve wanted to make my kids proud of me.  They’ve seen my weight go up and down over the years, and they’ve learned to accept my many attempts to “take better care of myself” with a big grain of salt.  One afternoon, my son and I were taking a walk in our hilly central PA neighborhood – me huffing and puffing and making the usual promise to get in better shape — when my son told me about the Couch-2-5K running program. I said, “I’m doing it!” Whether he believed me or not, I was determined that THIS time, I wasn’t going to let him down.

The first time I ran, I thought I was going to die! (I’m sure all of you beginner runners out there can relate.)  After a few false starts, a proper pair of running shoes, and a YouTube video about Chi Running, I really began to hit my stride. 🙂

In order to keep myself motivated, I registered for my first running event, The Great Race 5K, in Pittsburgh, PA in September 2012. It was a life-changing experience.  There was so much energy and emotion! I stood toward the back of the pack – it’s was a HUGE crowd — and looked around in amazement at all the shapes and sizes of runners. Music was playing and people were stretching and warming up. I couldn’t believe I was there and I was actually going to run a 5K.

My only goal was to finish the race. After the National Anthem and the sound of the gun, we began to move toward the starting line. I was so overwhelmed with emotion; I could feel my eyes welling up with tears.  But then, as I fell into pace with the rest of the runners, I felt my confidence soar. Around mile two, the course begins a slow steady uphill climb. A nice gentleman talked me through it and when I reached the crest, it was downhill the rest of the way, and I knew I was going to make it. For the last half mile, I couldn’t help laughing with the sheer joy of it. I saw my son and husband in the crowd, cheering me on, and I couldn’t stop smiling. I never felt more proud of myself when I crossed that finish line. From that day on, I was completely hooked on running, and I couldn’t wait to do it again!

Despite all that great exercise, I noticed I wasn’t losing any weight.  My husband felt inspired by my 5K, and we decided to help each other reach our weight loss and fitness goals. We joined Weight Watchers together and we starting going to the gym on a regular basis. And, of course, I began training for a half-marathon!

Since then, I’ve lost that 100 pounds, I’ve become a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers, and I am proud to say, “I am a runner!”

I ran my first half marathon at the Rock & Roll Cleveland with a time of 2:43, and I’m hoping to PR at my next half marathon on November 2nd. I decided to borrow Aimee’s idea and try to run a race every month. I find I really like the discipline that being in training mode requires. It keeps me motivated. But, more importantly, it’s fun!

How do I know THIS time I’m going to keep the weight off?

Because I know if I slip up — and I probably will once in a while — I have the tools, and the support to get right back on track. I know how good it feels to make the right choices for my health and well-being.

Best of all, I am looking forward to celebrating my 50th birthday in two weeks, and I’ve never felt better. And, I don’t even mind having my picture taken anymore! 🙂

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(Me, my son Kevin, my step daughter Maggie, and my husband Larry, at the Rock & Roll Cleveland Half Marathon)

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Thank you so much for sharing Deb! Congratulations on the half marathon and achieving Lifetime membership with Weight Watchers. You look fabulous for almost 50!! 

Do you have anything you want to brag about?

Free flow

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Gosh I’m feeling all unbalanced today. Hormones? Change of season? Stuff swirling around my mind? Busy pace of life lately?

I allowed one bratty entitled patient last night to burrow under my skin.

Feeling really self conscious at the gym today especially since I keep losing my balance doing single leg barbell dead lifts for the first time.

Not sure if I’m doing the work I’m meant to be doing.

I just want to run in the cool crisp air and hear the crunch of the leaves under my feet. Tomorrow I will run.

I’m positive one of my arms is longer than the other.

I swear the girl at the front desk of my gym dislikes me because I’ve been going for years and she is always snotty to me no matter how polite and friendly I am to her.

I keep feeling like I want to cry. Ok it’s hormones!

Christmas is already stressing me out. I just want to hide for the holidays.

All sorts of negative body image thoughts on my mind. Wondering why my legs are still so big.

The leaves are so beautiful today. I love the fall. It’s my favorite season and probably the only reason I live in New England.

I love my fall wreath this year.

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I vow not to watch the biggest loser this season. The show upsets me anyway but especially this season because that American Idol contestant Ruben Studdard is on the show. I believe he has the financial resources and the support to lose weight on his own. I don’t believe the show is the best role model for weight-loss but it still helps people to lose weight. Someone else could really benefit from being a contestant on the show.

I seem to be the only person in my family who can put the laundry away.

My husband called me on his lunch break and made me feel little bit better.

Tonight is my last night of a 7 night stretch at work. It was self-induced. However, I’m glad it’s almost over.

I’ve been journaling my food on paper recently. Today I went back to MyFitnessPal. Want to see what I eat? Come find me there at mozaim.

I’m struggling with afternoon snacking. Those calories add up so quickly. I think I will always have to work against emotional eating. Today I will fight the urge.

4:52 pm- At last it is time for bed before work. Aside from a small apple I didn’t have anything else to eat this afternoon.

This post was written entirely by the talk to text feature on my phone. I spoke a sentence here and there throughout the day as things popped into my mind.