Free Flow Friday: Brain Drain

I’ve got 15 minutes to let it all out. I’ve been off kilter ever since the Montreal Marathon. Usually when I’m feeling off it’s related to my weight or even more my body image. It’s a never ending battle for me. Since the marathon I’ve been basically stable at the weight I’m at now though I’ve been as much as 8 pounds lower in the past year. I am still about 15 pounds from my “goal weight.” I am short, 5’2″ and the weight I’m at now puts me in the overweight category on the BMI scale. Before you read me the riot act about numbers and charts please understand this, if I had to stay forever at the weight I’m at today I could do it and live a comfortable, content life only if I knew there was nothing else that could be done. However, if I’m being honest then I have to admit I am not comfortable or content at this weight. My body is a source of such frustration.

I have a quintessential pear shaped body, smaller on top, comes in at the waist before billowing out on the bottom. I’m all hips, butt and thighs! My calves are large too which prevents me from wearing the cute boots that everyone seems to be wearing today. And don’t tell me they have extenders for the boots! I know all about them and they still don’t work for me.

Forget about fashion…I am hopeless when it comes to dressing myself. If it’s not scrubs or workout clothes I’m totally clueless. I spent Black Friday shopping for an outfit to wear to my cousin’s bridal shower the next morning. After hours of trying my best to ignore the throngs of shoppers I returned home empty handed and feeling defeated. For the first time in my life I had no trouble fitting into clothes, but it’s the way the clothing fit that bothered me. I found an adorable dress, but as most dresses go it was too big on the top and fit perfectly on the bottom.  I’m basically two different sizes. You would think some designer would create a line to target my body type. I know I’m not the only one out there. I ended up wearing the black dress I wore to my grandmother’s way last year. It was fine, but not exactly the mood I was going for at a breakfast bridal shower.

I am constantly comparing myself to other women particularly my sister. I’ll never be her. NEVER! She is very thin. We have different body types. Hers is athletic and lacks the womanly curves mine flaunts every chance it gets. The women in Mozambique used to make an outline of my body in the air while describing what a great child bearer I would make one day! I don’t hate my curves, but I know the way I dress and my weight accentuates them in a negative way. My sister is always so put together. She wears expensive clothing and carries herself in such a professional, mature way. I genuinely feel as though I am a foot shorter than I really am, at least 10 pounds larger and I imagine I look like a frumpy, disheveled mess all the time no matter how much I primp and prepare.

I’m angry with myself for thinking so badly about my body lately. I shouldn’t feel this way. Hell my husband is extremely pleased with my body, more so than ever before. He has never made me feel uncomfortable about my body, but it’s certainly nice to know that he appreciates the changes that have taken place over the last several years. I wish I could see what he sees.

My weight loss journey has taken so long. It’s been slow and often unpredictable. I can’t show you a weight loss chart that starts above 200 pounds and consistently decreases week after week. No mine is all over the freaking place. The trend for me over the last couple of years is to shed about 10 pounds and then hang out at a certain weight for a while. I don’t consider these plateaus, but rather periods of maintenance. I learn valuable lessons along the way, but sometimes like lately I just can’t stand to be at a standstill anymore. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep and breathe my weight, weight loss, diet, and exercise. It’s mentally draining and physically demanding.

I’ve worked very very hard to get to where I’m at today. I’m not going to give up. I may never reach that number on the scale, but I will never watch that scale go above where I’m now. As crabby as I am today about my body, I know gaining weight is not the answer. So why do I keep reverting to old behaviors lately? I’ve had a few days of lunch time binge eating. Since I’m now wearing Invisalign (a story for a different day), I’ve also recently switched to a vegan diet (another story for a different day) and I don’t have much processed food in the house to begin with these binges are mostly fruit and vegetable based with a little too much peanut butter or hummus thrown in! I may be adding an air of humor to this, but it’s not funny. I’ve struggled with occasional binge eating/overeating for all of my adult life. I love to eat dammit! It’s like my stomach is a black hole that never fills. I get a taste for something, usually sweet, and I have to have it STAT! I have come a considerably long way in coping with this issue, but lately it’s reared its very ugly head leading me to try to analyze why I’m giving in to such negative behaviors.

I’m all over the place with my emotions, my thoughts, my schedule and my life lately. I needed an outlet today and this is it. Don’t berate me for being whiny please. I am an extremely fortunate person with a wonderful life. I’m grateful for my health and the well being of myself and my family. However, I suspect that some of the binge behavior is due to the fact that I’ve been keeping a lot of this bottled up. I need to let it out and I don’t really have anyone but my husband to talk to. He will listen, but he cannot relate. I have friends, but let’s face it everyone is busy with their own lives.

I just wanted to start releasing some of what has been inside of me for weeks now in an attempt to move forward. I’ve let my food journal lapse, but I intend to pick that habit up again starting right now. I’m currently not training for anything in particular, but I hope to set a new plan by the end of the weekend with some solid fitness goals for the new year. Other than that I’m not making any other promises. All I know is I vehemently refuse to enter 2014 feeling this way both physically and emotionally.

14 thoughts on “Free Flow Friday: Brain Drain

  1. All I can say is, I hear ya! I’m hoping new goals and maybe some other ways will help me to get back into the great groove I had earlier this year. I’ve got all kinds of body issues right now (I HAVE gained weight, ugh).

    1. I really hope that someday I will feel comfortable in my body. Have you seen that commercial where people describe themselves to a sketch artist and later someone else describes them to the same artist? The pictures are drastically distorted when the woman describes herself and much softer and more accurate when described by another woman. It’s so interesting that we do this to ourselves. I look forward to reading about your goals for the new year. I am working on mine to help get me back on track.

  2. You won’t hear any reprimanding from me. You don’t need to feel judged by anyone. I bet there isn’t a single person here who reads your blog who hasn’t felt the same way. I’m also not going to offer you any kind words of comfort in an attempt to mitigate your feelings when what you really need is validation. Yes, it sucks to have to struggle with a body that doesn’t meet our expectations. That being said, try not to beat yourself up too much, Aimee. Don’t forget that little girl inside you who yearns to be loved just the way she is, big hips and all. Sending hugs your way, friend!

  3. Aimee…we need to get together and talk outside of work…if we would both be comfortable with it. Reading what you wrote is like listening to my own mind! I think getting this stuff out makes it easier to reasses our situation and often another perspective can truly help.

  4. Thank you for being brave and posting your struggles. I binge more than I like to admit and brought it up in Weight Watchers the other day and people just gasped:) Some days it’s nice to know I’m not the only one to struggle…thank you for being authentic. Signed-no longer a lurker:)

    1. Hi Sara, thank you so much for commenting. You are definitely not alone. I realized after writing this that being vocal about my struggles is exactly what was probably holding me back from accomplishing my goals. Yes I still struggle with binge eating, but it’s far less than before. I plan to keep working at it. I am surprised at the reaction from WW. Please message me anytime you need some support.

  5. We are here for you Aimee! This is the perfect place to vent. I hear you on the BMI – at 155 and 5.2 I am just below the obese category – and yet I can do 55 minutes of strength training and 30 minutes of cardio each day.

    My nemises? My belly – that’s where all my fat is and it drives me nuts, but I hope these next 20 pounds will take care of it.

    Sending big hugs your way!!

  6. I think that a lot of weight loss journeys are just like yours, and that’s real life. This is definitely the place to vent, and we’re all here for you! I can’t wait to see your fitness goals for 2014. Hugs!!

    1. Thanks a lot Sam. I am working on my goals. I know it will help me to have something to work towards. I might just have to add a race in CT to my list!

  7. Awesome Aimee! I’m 5’2′ and never happy with the scale either..nice to hear it from someone else that gets it! -d

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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