Category Archives: Running

Love Your Body Challenge: Self-Acceptance

Posted on by

I’m beginning to rebound from months of battling to maintain my weight, dealing with binge eating episodes and really unhealthy negative self-talk. I’ve fought through it by reading, researching, trying new things, even bringing back old coping skills while continuing to journal my food and exercise. Even in my darkest moments I knew I would eventually come out on the other end better for it.

Despite losing over 70 pounds since 2007 and maintaining that loss for over a year I still have a very skewed image of what I look like. My goal is to one day celebrate my healthy body and really love the person I’ve become. I want to talk to myself the same way I praise and compliment my beautiful friends. As I work towards this I’m going to participate in the Molly Gailbraith’s 28 Day Love Your Body Challenge.

photo (32)

The Pre-Challenge activity was to answer the following questions and tally up the score.

1. How do you feel when you think about how your body looks?
(1 = absolutely terrible, 10 = freaking awesome)

3 – I still feel like I have so much work to do especially on the lower half of my body. I get so frustrated when I see my legs in the mirror. I also hate buying pants. Nothing ever fits properly because of my shape.

2. How often do you think about things you’d like to change on your body?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

3 – It is near constant, but there are rare times when I don’t think about it. Every time I get dressed I think about how I would like to have smaller legs and a smaller butt. I struggle to appreciate how far I’ve come.

3. How often do you look in the mirror and think, “I look really awesome!”
(1 = never, 10 = always)

1 – This is sad right? I just feel so awkward in the clothing I wear. I have no sense of style. I know that part of accepting my body is learning how to dress properly in clothing that actually fits me.

4. How confident do you feel when you’re in a swimsuit?
(1 = not confident at all, 10 = extremely confident)

In a tankini – 4
From the waist up in any bathing suit – 8
In a regular bathing suit 1 piece bathing suit – 1 (I’ll use this answer in the tally.)

5. How confident do you feel about your body during intimate moments?
(1 = not confident at all, 10 = extremely confident)

8 – I’ve got a wonderful relationship with my husband. He’s never made me feel badly about my body. He’s always loved me but he certainly appreciates the changes.

6. How often do you catch yourself saying/thinking negative things about your body?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

3 – I’m so hard on myself. If I happen to be retaining water for some reason and it makes me feel fat I begin to think really negative thoughts about my body. The negative thoughts are also prominent whenever I’m around certain people like my much thinner sister.

7. How often do you catch yourself saying negative things about your body to other people?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

10 – I used to make negative comments about my body, but since I had Carlos I have stopped doing that. I vowed to never make my weight issues a burden on my child. He shouldn’t hear me speak negatively about myself because that might make him feel badly or it might make him think he can speak the same way about me or others.

8. How well do you receive compliments from others?
(1 = not well, 10 = really well)

7 – In line with my answer for #7, I’ve learned since Carlos was born to just say thank you when someone compliments me whereas before I would negate the compliment with some kind of snarky remark. I assumed compliments were just a person’s way to make me feel better, but not necessarily genuine. I don’t think that way anymore.

9. How often do you have feelings of shame in regards to your body?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

3 – I’m ashamed to admit this actually. The shame I feel with every binge is so intense I can barely look at myself. I feel shame that I haven’t been more successful in losing the last 10-15 pounds. Weighing myself and seeing the scale at a stand still or up a little bit immediately causes me to look shamefully at my body.

10. If I told you that you could drastically change your perception of your body in 28 days, would you believe me?
(1 = absolutely not, 10 = no doubt about it)

2 – I’ll believe it when I see it! I’m open minded  thought.

Total = 41

Running Questions

Posted on by

I just returned from a wonderful vacation in Arizona with my family. We traveled to the Scottsdale area for my cousin’s wedding. I plan to write a post or two about our trip. It was my first visit to the southwest and I was blown away. I loved it!

On the plane rides I was able to catch up on blog reading. Carina answered these running questions recently and I thought I would do the same. I am still running despite the miserable winter weather. I actually have a 10 mile race today and some big plans for the year.

1. Would you rather…run with one of your ancestors or your role models?

I would love to run with my great grandfather on my mother’s side. I don’t think he was ever a runner, but I would love to know more about him. He came to this country from Italy as a young man. He was a very kind and gentle man from what I remember. My memories are distant, but I remember going to his house, a three family home he shared with my grandmother and great uncle. He had a big blooming cherry tree in the backyard. I know he was a hardworking immigrant who prided himself on being able to speak English. It would be interesting to hear his thoughts on immigration and stories of his journey by boat to the United States.

2. Would you rather…run a race that is a few hours drive but in a beautiful location or in your city with a short drive?

I love traveling to new, beautiful locations for races. I don’t care to repeat races particularly in my area. Running races has become an opportunity to travel for me and my family.

3. Would you rather…take an ice bath for a half hour or foam roll for a half hour?

I have to be honest, I’ve never taken an ice bath. I do foam roll, not for a half hour, but I would if I had the time.

4. Would you rather…have a black toe nail pulled off or have your entire back chaffed from running and be forced to shower for a hour straight?

The toenail definitely. I chafed under my armpits the other day and it is painful both in and out of the shower. Once the toenail is black it’s dead, gross but dead. I’ve had a couple of black toenails. It really irritates me that doing something good for your body has some really foul side effects. It’s just wrong!

5. Would you rather…spend an extra $100 a month given to you on running/fitness or save it?

I would save it. I’m a saver. However, I suppose I would probably break even given what I spend on races for the year for me, Carlos and Orlando.

6. Would you rather…be known for running the fastest marathon or running the longest distance at one time?

I agree with Carina on this one that I’d rather be known for setting a world record for the fastest marathon. There’s money in that accomplishment!

Though I’m sure running the longest distance comes with it’s own unique notoriety in distance running circles. I’ve grown very curious about running ultra distances.

7. Would you rather…have your medal handed to you by Kara Goucher or Shalane Flanagan?

Oh goodness they are both amazing. I really have no personal bias here. They are friends and training partners. If you are interested you can read about them here.

8. Would you rather…lick someone else’s armpit after a marathon, or lick their foot after a marathon?

This is just nasty. I would choose the armpit if it were a nicely shaved pit with a thick layer of deodorant then maybe I’d only be licking deodorant which is gross too, but a little less gross than armpit. Otherwise I’d go with the foot. Yuck either way!

And now a question for anyone who reads this. Would you rather live in Massachusetts or Arizona?

Hot Cocoa

Posted on by

The Hot Chocolate 5K is run each year in early December in Northampton, MA. It is a very popular local race that supports the Safe Passage nonprofit organization assisting those affected by domestic violence. It’s a tremendously giving organization that provides a valuable community service.

I first ran this race in 2010 with Orlando. It’s a large race with a few thousand runners. At the end, instead of a medal, you receive a commemorative mug and complimentary hot cocoa.

After the Montreal Marathon, Carlos melted my heart by asking me if we could run a race for his birthday. I knew the Hot Chocolate 5K would be the perfect race since it falls just before his birthday. Carlos and I began “training” in November. He was very enthusiastic about it. I let him guide the training runs so he wouldn’t feel pressured or bored. We still go out for short runs together. It makes me smile when he asks if we can do a mile.

At the beginning of fall I also began walking once a week with a friend. She said she was interested in running a 5K and was hoping to prepare for the Hot Chocolate 5K. However, she hadn’t run in a long time and also struggles with severe knee pain. We would typically walk at least a 5K distance, but the pain made running impossible. Since Mary didn’t seem to have discomfort with the walking I suggested speeding up the walk for short intervals. Unfortunately most of our walks turned into mini brain dumps and chat sessions for Mary.

As the 5K neared my friend expressed her concerns that she didn’t think she would be able to run the race. I assured her that we could walk it. On race day Mary was combatting an upper respiratory infection. I suggested that her daughter and Carlos run with Orlando and I would stay with her.

The race began and we started in the back. I encouraged her to jog through the starting chute to try to harness the excitement and gain momentum. She did and then quickly slowed to a walk exclaiming that it was uncomfortable. I told her I would take my cues from her, when she wanted to run we would run and when she wanted to walk we would walk. She kept telling me to go forward, but I assured her I was staying by her side.

I could tell her mood was sinking. She grew frustrated and embarrassed as more runners and walkers passed us. Before long we were dead last. My pep talks were unhelpful. Every time we set off to run Mary struggled with breathing and knee pain. I told her to just walk and chat like we were on one of our weekly walks but she was so discouraged. I felt terrible for her.

There was only one other participant in sight and we finally caught up to her. We didn’t see another runner anywhere and suddenly we crested a hill and saw the race perpendicular in front of us! Uh oh we had gotten off the course and now were faced with a dilemma. Mary was on the verge of giving up. The girl who was now walking with us shrugged her shoulders and said “ah what the heck, let’s just jump in.” We followed her and merged into the mass of racers heading down the final hill toward the finish line.

My heart sank in my chest. I tried to be a good sport. I told Mary it would be our secret. However, it killed me to “cheat” (Catholic guilt!). I knew Mary just wanted to be done with the race, and she was really worried about her daughter seeing her come in last or close to it.

Carlos, Orlando and Mary’s daughter were there when we crossed the finish line. They were none the wiser. I was so proud of Mary for making it as far as she did, but I know her spirit was crushed.

Carlos was so excited when he saw me. He told me he ran the entire race. He was beaming from ear to ear. I was sad I didn’t see him cross the finish line, but I was so proud of him. Turns out Carlos ran his first official 5K in 32:16!

I hope Mary is one day able to run another 5K. I think it is important for her to return to that goal and see it through to a triumphant finish. I have told her that I’m here if she wants to try training again. I would be honored to cross that finish line with her.

20140208-211211.jpg

Monson Half Marathon Recap Finally

Posted on by

In the fall of 2011 I fell down the stairs in my house and broke a rib. I just re-read the post I wrote about it and I said that the doctor gave me order not to run for one week. I’m pretty sure I was delusional when I wrote that because I am certain he said 6-8 weeks. I was in the midst of training for my first marathon at the time so I’m sure there was no way I wanted to believe that I couldn’t run for that long. As it turned out, thanks to lots of rest, a mix of homeopathic remedies and Ibuprofen I was comfortably back in action after about 3 weeks. One of my first double digit runs after the injury was the Monson Memorial Classic half marathon. The idea was to enjoy a change of scenery and have fun with the long run. I was not looking for a PR or any special time. To date it remains my slowest half marathon. I finished in 2:22:57 (10:55 pace).

This fall in my attempt to complete at least one race a month I needed to find a race for November. The Monson Memorial Classic was once again a last minute decision. It was held on November 10, 2013 and again fell on a day that I worked the night before. I coordinated with my friend who lives on the race route and since she was going to be home Carlos could hang out at her house and play with her son who is the same age.

Quick side story… My friend who lives in Monson is my best friend from childhood. We grew up across the street from each other. She is a couple of years older than me, but we have maintained a close friendship since we were kids. We used to talk about moving to California, going to college there and then we planned to have children around the same time so they could be friends too! However, she got married when she was 25 and had three boys before I even got married so we never imagined we would have children the same age. I love her kids. They are awesome boys and I  have always thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them. I called Missy the day after I discovered I was pregnant to tell her. Of course she was thrilled for me. She called me the next day to let me know she was also pregnant, but didn’t want to tell me the day before because she didn’t want to steal my thunder. I was so excited to know we were going to have children at the same time. Sadly she miscarried a month later. Fate works in mysterious ways though and she became pregnant again months later. Her 4th boy arrived 3 and a half months after Carlos was born. When those boys get together they are best buds and have so much fun together just as their moms did.

Monson Memorial Classic, pre-race photo with my Bug

Monson Memorial Classic, pre-race photo with my Bug

OK back to the race. So with little fanfare my friend dropped me off at the starting area of the race so I could register at the last minute. I hung out by myself feeling a little self-conscious and rather indifferent about running a half marathon. At that point I was tentatively training for the 50K race I did in December. I had actually run 5 miles right after work that same morning. I remember feeling great during that run. I just looked back at Map My Run for the workout and I ran 5.05 miles in 47:28 which is a great pace for me. So the half marathon was really meant to make up the rest of an 18 mile run I had on my training plan.

The weather was cool and a bit overcast, but perfect for running. The race started with little fanfare and we were off. This race is notorious for its hills. You climb slowly here and there for much of the first 8 miles. It’s a challenging course with few spectators and not a great deal of scenery to enjoy. I fell into a comfortable pace, my breathing was calm and I actually felt great once I got going. Then it began to rain rather unexpectedly. It wasn’t heavy rain and it did little to disturb my groove.

I’m not sure I can explain what happened during this race, but I was on fire. My legs felt amazing. My pace was steady. I powered up every single hill without backing down. I had absolutely no idea what my time was at all throughout the race. The last couple of miles were brutal as the rain picked up and the temperature grew colder. Although there is a nice downhill stretch towards the end there is also another big hill to contend with.

As I was entering the home stretch in the last mile a woman passed me pushing a wheelchair. I read her shirt and knew immediately she was a member of Team Hoyt. Team Hoyt is the organization inspired by the father and son team of Dick and Rick Hoyt. Dick Hoyt has pushed his son Rick, who is in a wheelchair, in over 1000 races including the Boston Marathon multiple times. This woman was pushing a little girl who was older and larger than Carlos. My eyes welled up with tears and I felt a surge of energy as I saw the finish line ahead. I had no desire to “beat” this woman, but suddenly I needed to finish my race strong. If she could run 13 miles pushing this beautiful child then surely I could keep up my momentum all the way to the finish.

I didn’t even see the time as I crossed. I kept my eye on the woman and the little girl. As I cleared the finish chute I went to her and with tears in my eyes I congratulated her and the girl. It was her daughter she said as her eyes also filled with tears. We spoke briefly and she told me that she runs with Team Hoyt to raise money and awareness for others with disabilities. She was around my age and told me that only a couple of years prior she was overweight and inactive. I was in awe of how fit she was now. She had to turn her attention to someone greeting her, but her husband immediately introduced himself. He was beaming with pride and said that both he and his wife had undergone a huge transformation over the past year. I am constantly inspired when I run races, but this was an exceptionally moving encounter.

It was hours before I would learn my time. Honestly it wasn’t a focal point of this race as it had been with other races last year. For me it was just my “November” race. Well it also turned out to be my 2013 half marathon PR. Prior to this race my official half marathon PR of 2:03:52 was achieved at the Plattsburgh Half Marathon in April (I just re-read my race recap of that race and I now have tears running down my face #iamagoof!). My new half marathon PR set at the 2013 Monson Memorial Classic Half Marathon is 2:02:22!!

Funny story about the race results. When I finally got the email announcing they were online I checked them out right away. I was nowhere to be found. However, I knew the woman’s name from Team Hoyt and there was a mysterious “Unknown” a few people below her time with a time of 2:02:22 which I suspected might be me. The age was correct, but the Unknown was a male. I sent an email through the race website and politely explained that I thought it might me my time. Although I felt kind of silly, I asked if there was any way to determine whose time it was because if it was my time it was a hard earned PR for me. I also asked if it was my time could they please change the sex to female. I know it’s silly, but for some reason I get a charge out of pulling up the growing list of my race results on Athlinks and I wanted this race to get listed there as well. I was contacted by a very understanding race director confirming that it was indeed my time.

What a year in running for me!! Truly incredible! If you had told me a few years ago that this running thing would become such a huge part of my life I would have rolled my eyes and snidely told you “I don’t think so.” Running isn’t everyone’s thing and that’s really ok, but get out there and move even if it’s only a little bit. The more you move, I guarantee you, the more amazing you will feel.

Pick Me Up

Posted on by

I’ve been a real bummer lately both here on the blog and in life in general. Thanks for bearing with me. Well I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I said what I had to say, and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I not only released my thoughts here, but to my husband as well. I stewed about things for a few days, but then the cloud lifted and there was only one way to go. I quickly jumped into forward motion. I broke out the juicer and made a nice refreshing green juice. I got my Vitamix all in a tizzy making my green smoothies. I chopped up all the veggies I could find, threw them in a pot and made a hearty vegetable soup for the week. I also washed and tore up a few heads of kale for easy salads. I sliced up a pineapple and made a pot of brown rice. During a lull last night at work I put a tentative workout plan on the calendar. Sure I’ve got some issues with food. They have been with me for a very long time. However, I am actively working on them. I refuse to undo all of the progress I have made over the last few years. I’m determined to overcome this. 

To push even further past the depressing tone of my blog I thought I might throw in a little random Q&A. I saw this on Carina’s blog today from Kenlie’s Friend Makin’ Monday series.

Quick and Easy Questions

1. What time did you go to bed last night?  I went to bed around 8pm and got up at 10pm for work. Last night was my first night back to work after an uneventful yet unplanned four nights off. Somehow I managed to get my co-worker to switch a night with me last week so that I could finagle the four nights off. It was a welcome treat for myself and my family.

2. What is the last thing that made you smile?  Last night before work I went in to kiss Carlos goodbye and his face was turned toward the doorway so I could see it in the dim light that streamed through. He looked so peaceful and content, and it made me smile. I just stood there for a few minutes watching him sleep, so precious! These moments are fleeting and I know they must be savored. Oh crap now I’m starting to tear up. Next… 

3. What is the last movie you watched?  The last movie I saw in the theater was Catching Fire from the Hunger Games series. As I was proofreading this post I realized that my answer should really be Disney’s Frozen which recently won a Golden Globe for best animated feature film. I saw it with Carlos and a group of friends. I can’t lie, I’m not a big fan of animation. However, this was very entertaining.

4. What did you have for breakfast today? I had a smoothie with frozen wild blueberries, a few pieces of banana, almond milk, Vega Vanilla Chai, cinnamon and at the last minute I threw in a teaspoon of spirulina. Good lord why do I torture myself with that pungent algae powder? I tell myself if I can just manage to get it in the smoothie without smelling it I won’t even notice it. Lies, it’s all lies. I smell it every time and it kind of (but not entirely) ruins the deliciousness of my smoothie.

5. Would you rather mop all of your floors or do laundry?  Laundry, hands down. I hate mopping the floor. 

6. Do you drink coffee? Yes, I do drink coffee at work usually. I go through phases when I drink more than one cup a night and then sometimes I don’t drink any for a few nights. 

7. Will you watch the Superbowl?  Like salt on a wound people! The sores have yet to heal and you’re already talking Superbowl?! I’m a New England girl! Just kidding. I actually didn’t even watch last night’s sorry excuse of a game. Though I’m sure I will watch the Superbowl. 

8. How often do you shop for groceries?  I am fairly certain that I actually work part time at Stop & Shop only I never get a pay check. Seriously, it’s kind of embarrassing how often I’m at the grocery store. There’s just always something that I’ve forgotten for home or school or Orlando has eat all the bananas again or Carlos has a play date and I have no “normal” snacks.

9. What kind of workout will you do today? Carlos and I are going to run a mile shortly and I might throw in some foam rolling and a few yoga stretches. Since Carlos is home from school because of Martin Luther King Day it is essentially a rest day.

10. Do you use a fitness tracker? I don’t have anything that constantly tracks like a FitBit. I use MapMyRun to track my runs. I have a bulky Garmin Forerunner, but since I always run with my iPhone the MapMyRun app is easier for me to use. I also track on occasion at My Fitness Pal, my user name is mozaim if you want to find me. If you do follow me on MFP please know that I am very inconsistent. I track my food mostly on paper unless I’m really trying to get a handle on calories. Sometimes I jump back and forth between the two depending on what is more readily accessible. 

Have a wonderful Monday! 

Sworn In

Posted on by

Fifteen years ago yesterday I was sworn in as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Mozambique. Wow time sure flies! I still feel honored to have been a member of the very first group of volunteers ever to serve in the Peace Corps in Mozambique. We were affectionately referred to by the American staff as “the weed pullers.” We certainly had our jobs cut out for us as no one really knew what we were there to do! I am proud to say we paved the way for a successful Peace Corps program that is now in its 15th year and has grown to include two groups of Peace Corps Volunteers each year serving in the areas of education, teacher training and public health.

I have been thinking a lot about that day since I was reminded of the anniversary yesterday by a Peace Corps colleague/friend on Facebook. I remember parts of it so vividly like the tan tank dress I wore, the sweltering heat, and the large group of Mozambicans who were there to witness our ceremony. Throughout our pre-service training we lived as a group at a teacher training college in suburban Matola on the outskirts of the Mozambican capitol Maputo. Typically Peace Corps Volunteers are housed with host families during the pre-service training, but as our program was new there were some logistical challenges in securing host families. So our small group of 23 volunteers lived in dormitory conditions with a central cafeteria and shared bathrooms. Needless to say the close living quarters helped us to get to know each other fairly quickly.

At times the three months of training seemed to drag on. We were anxious and excited to get to our permanent sites. However, as our swearing in ceremony neared I am sure I wasn’t alone in feeling twinges of nervousness for the changes ahead.

Our swearing in ceremony was big news and was even televised in Mozambique. The Peace Corps Director at that time, Mark Gearan, was visiting Mozambique and attended our ceremony. We each wore a sash fashioned out of traditional Mozambican capulanas, sarong-like wraps worn by the women. The sashes named the province where we would be serving as volunteers.

My soon-to-be site mate was chosen to give a speech in Portuguese at the ceremony. I do not consider myself a With my lack of confidence I’ve never been a fan of public speaking, so I was happy that she would be addressing the large audience. Except moments before we were set to take our seats my friend got a bout of cold feet. I have not thought about this since it happened, but today it reminds me that despite having very low confidence in myself I have often risen to challenges that take me clear out of my comfort zone. With little time to think I agreed to take my friend’s place and read the speech.

I can still remember how shaky I felt as I approached the podium. My voice quivered initially, but I settled into reading the words on the paper, even looked out at the audience a few times, and got through it the best I could. I have no doubt my friend would have done a much better job, but I was proud of myself for getting up there!

At the close of the ceremony we raised our right hands and recited the oath that would create a unique bond between this group of 23 people who three months earlier had all just met for the first time. I am sad to say that as we parted ways and ventured to our permanent sites instead of embracing the friendships offered by my Peace Corps colleagues I pushed people away and turned others off with my snarky unpredictable moods. Despite integrating into my community, making friends, meeting my husband, losing some weight, quitting smoking, learning to enjoy vegetables, and being the happiest I had been in a very ling time I continued to keep the wall of contempt and bitterness up just enough to provide my signature first line of defense against anything I deemed to be a criticism or negative judgment against me. In essence I left Mozambique with the same defensive attitude I came in with.

My site mate posted a photo on Facebook yesterday which was actually taken two years later at our close of service. The photo caused me to instantly well up with tears.

I was drawn to one certain person in the photo immediately, ME! There I was leaning awkwardly on the outskirts of the photo which was a group shot of all of us as we prepared to finish our 2 year Peace Corps service. Everyone else in the photo is in close proximity of each other. In my attempt to “hide” myself and get lost on the edge of the photo I have actually done the opposite and drawn all attention to myself. I look out of place like a stranger and I appear uncomfortable. In fact I know that’s how I felt at the time. I was always self-conscious about my body and judging by the way I was standing I’m sure that moment was no different. I look at my fellow volunteers and see a closeness, a camaraderie and a genuine sense of kinship. Why after two years of such an amazing experience did I still feel so self-conscious, so out of place?

Peace Corps was life altering in so many ways. Some of those changes continue to manifest in me for the better. My wall has been almost entirely demolished. I like to think I’ve grown up a bit since those days. I’ve reconnected with most of my Peace Corps group on Facebook and some in person. I’m grateful to have a second chance. The reality is that most probably had no idea what I was internalizing and feeling. Eventually the experience I had in Mozambique, the people I met namely my site mate and my husband and the mistakes and missteps I made along the way have made me a better person.

Fast Times 2013

Posted on by

Happy New Year! Where does the time go? I had high hopes and obviously grandiose expectations for an end of the year wrap up post, a year of races post, recaps of two late fall races and another Skin Deep post. The posts are all written…in my head. If only there was a way to synch my mind with my computer I would be a prolific blogger.

I love this blogging thing and wish I could devote more time to honing my writing and photography skills. I love the therapeutic aspect of writing my thoughts and feelings. It’s been beneficial simply to get it out, but even more helpful to hear feedback from others who graciously take the time to comment here.

I have felt very welcomed by the community of bloggers I have joined. I am reading even if you don’t see a comment from me. Technical issues took up a great deal of time in the last few months. For some reason my phone does not allow me to comment on certain blogs. I enjoy tech troubleshooting so it annoys me that I can’t figure out the problem. My 2008 MacBook has given me a run for my money this year. After countless trips to the Genius Bar at my local Apple Store I installed new RAM and a new hard drive on my own. Prior to these interventions the computer ran so slowly it was impossible to do anything without being locked out by the swirling ball of frustration. It’s a running much better now thankfully so maybe I can get blog posts done more frequently.

From November through the New Year life rolled along at breakneck speed. Here are some highlights:

  • I am now the proud wearer of Invisalign braces! Long story short although I had braces at the very early age of 10 my bottom teeth have turned inward and I need to straighten them so I can finish an unresolved issue on my top teeth. I don’t believe they are invisible and though I am grateful to have the good fortune to fix this issue they are an uncomfortable nuisance.
  • I ran the Monson Memorial Classic Half Marathon (cute pics of Carlos if you click the link!) again in November. I ran it for the first time in 2011 less than two months after breaking a rib during my training for the Disney Marathon. It was my slowest half marathon time. This time I ran an unbelievable race and enjoyed a truly unexpected PR. I will eventually write about it because it’s a race I would like to remember.
  • My husband, son and I ran the Northampton Hot Chocolate 5K in early December. I first ran this race in 2010. This time Orlando and Carlos ran together with my friend Mary’s daughter. Carlos did amazing. He ran the entire race and finished in just over 32 minutes. I stayed back with Mary who hasn’t run in years and suffers from tremendous knee pain at times. This was an interesting experience for me and one I would really like to elaborate on in a future post.
  • I helped run the Secret Santa Gift Shop at my son’s school which is a three day event where the kids get to shop for their families.
  • I adopted a whole foods plant based diet aka vegan after being vegetarian for three years.
  • Carlos and I enjoyed an impromptu two days in New York City with my sister. We went to the top of the Empire State Building, walked a bit of Central Park, saw Rockefeller Center, went to the Lego Store, the Apple Store and F.A.O. Schwartz.
  • Thanks to my sister I had the good fortune of dining at the organic vegan Candle Cafe in NYC. It was incredibly delicious.
  • My baby boy turned 7. I really wish time would slow down. Legos are all the rage in his life right now. Our guest room has been turned into Lego City.

    Legos have taken over my home!

    A new Lego truck

  • Christmas came and went with little fanfare. Orlando and I got iPads for each other. I got the mini and he got the new iPad Air.
  • I worked a lot of overtime in December. My husband got laid off on December 16th which always causes a bit of distress initially. Fortunately he started back at work the week after Christmas. This has been a very unpredictable year for him. I have been lucky to pick up overtime often, but more work means less blogging, reading and other nonessential “fun” activities.
  • Carlos got old school Battleship for Christmas and we have been having so much fun playing it together, such a great game!
  • We spent New Year’s Eve at my friend’s home in upstate New York. It was a fitting way to close the year. She is one of my dearest friends and I have been honored to be welcomed into her trusted circle of friends this year as she bravely battled breast cancer. This, in and of itself is challenging, but she did it while pregnant with her second child. She is a warrior! My friend and her husband now have a gorgeous baby girl who is healthy and so very happy. I couldn’t wait to hold her. She just sat there blissfully in my arms. As I watched my friend and her beautiful family my heart filled with so many emotions just thinking of all she has been through this year. It was an important reminder for me to not take the goodness of life for granted.

I learned a lot about myself this year. I ran a lot this year.  I shattered my fitness goals. I have taken up yoga pretty seriously and hope to continue to improve and grow in my practice.

Despite all of these milestones I have found myself in the throes of emotional eating on and off since October. Just as things improved the holidays triggered the behavior once again. I realize that my journey with weight, food issues and body image distortion are far from over. I have more tools now to cope with emotional eating so that I don’t incur a weight gain, but the fact that I’m still struggling with certain behaviors is frustrating and a bit frightening.

It’s a new year and as with the past 7 new years I intend to continue to grow, change and improve myself and my life. Having Carlos 7 years ago sparked a fire inside of me that has encouraged me to be the best person I can be. I can always be better. Improvement requires change. Change is difficult. It means facing fears, looking inside of yourself and digging up hidden truths, trying new things and most importantly it means failing.

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.” C.S. Lewis

A Very Long Run

Posted on by

I have become increasingly more intrigued by ultra marathons this year. When I told a fellow runner and ultra marathoner/triathlete that I was considering an ultra marathon next year he told me he had the perfect race for me. Seth’s Fat Ass 50K is a local ultra in mid-December. However, it wasn’t quite what I envisioned when I thought about ultra running. Ultras are usually on trail. This was 10 loops of a well known 5K course at a local park. The thought of it was kind of mind numbing. Yet I was anxious to see if I was capable of running beyond the marathon distance and I preferred beginning with a 50K as opposed to a 50 miler.

The Fat Ass race was started in California in 1978 by Joe Oakes, an ultra marathoner who needed a qualifying race for the Western States 100. The first took place around New Year’s and the idea was to encourage people to shake off the holiday heaviness by getting off your “fat ass and move!” The race was no frills – “free entry, no medals or fan fare” and participants are free to run as little or as much of the race as they wish. Today there are about 25 Fat Ass races all over the country. Some take place before the holidays, some after; some are 50Ks, some 50 milers.

About 5 years ago Seth Roberts got tired of trekking up to North Adams, MA for the annual Fat Ass ultra so he decided to start one of his own in Springfield, MA. Much like the original Fat Ass races the registration form announces “No Prizes, No Wimps!” The race features one aid station with water, Gatorade and refreshments that you pass through at the end of each loop. You are welcome to leave your own gear and fuel as well.

Seth’s Fat Ass 50 (50K)

The race began promptly at 8:30 a.m. The course starts with a short uphill climb. My B goal was to finish in the 7 hour time frame and my A goal was to finish in under 6 hours so the name of the game for me was slow and steady. I ran up the hill on the start then settled into a gentle pace. From there on in the aid station and the hill were the only parts of the course I walked.

After the first five loops it was a bit like being in that movie Groudhog Day. The repetition of the course was both a blessing and a curse. It gave you the advantage of knowing what to expect while simultaneously yielding boredom because it is a dull course to begin with. I dug deep into my thoughts, tuned out to my music, lip synched, wrote mental lists of things to be done before Christmas and zoned out. I also began to obsess about how many loops I had left. I started doing math in my head trying to figure out if I had to run up to 10 or go to 11 to make it 10 full loops (confused? me too!).

The temperature remained in the teens throughout the race. It snowed the entire time, mostly a light snowfall, but heavier towards the end. I wore new Under Armour waterproof running pants and sweatshirt both a lifesaver. I kept hand warmers inside my gloves and ear muffs on throughout the race. I never shed any layers, but what I wore was comfortable for the event. 

I didn’t overanalyze the race prior to the start. I signed up at the very last minute once I was sure my schedule would allow it. I didn’t formally train. I did my best to maintain my level of fitness from the Montreal Marathon.  To think about the distance was daunting, but I wanted to try it to see if I might possibly be able to handle a 50 miler someday. Once the decision was made to run the race I told myself that it was simply a really long run.

According to a local news article 115 runners registered for the race, but only 88 showed up at the start due to an imminent snow storm. Out of the 88 runners who started the race only 38 finished the race. I was one of those 38! It took me 5 hours and 40 minutes. The organizers, runner and volunteers were a supportive, enthusiastic and kind bunch of people. It was an awesome experience.

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t – you’re right.” – Henry Ford

Mystery race

Posted on by

I’m sitting on a train on my way home from a quick sightseeing trip to New York City. My son went home with my sister to spend a little more auntie/nephew time before their shared birthday next week. So I find myself alone and very contemplative. Fortunately I was also very sleepy so my thoughts did not consume me. However, with t-15 minutes to home I am awake and thinking about the fact that at 8:30 tomorrow morning I will run the longest and perhaps craziest race I have ever run. It’s almost laughable to think about. I waited until Monday to mail the registration, the deadline. I haven’t exactly trained for it with my typical organized training schedule. Instead I’ve mixed up my workouts with more weight training and yoga. My runs are shorter but faster these days. My eating is overall cleaner despite the issues I mentioned in my last post.

I’m appropriately scared and excited about this endeavor. Some people finish this race, but many purposely do not. I am an all or nothing kind of a person so I expect to finish. Then I’ll tell you all about it.

Free Flow Friday: Brain Drain

Posted on by

I’ve got 15 minutes to let it all out. I’ve been off kilter ever since the Montreal Marathon. Usually when I’m feeling off it’s related to my weight or even more my body image. It’s a never ending battle for me. Since the marathon I’ve been basically stable at the weight I’m at now though I’ve been as much as 8 pounds lower in the past year. I am still about 15 pounds from my “goal weight.” I am short, 5’2″ and the weight I’m at now puts me in the overweight category on the BMI scale. Before you read me the riot act about numbers and charts please understand this, if I had to stay forever at the weight I’m at today I could do it and live a comfortable, content life only if I knew there was nothing else that could be done. However, if I’m being honest then I have to admit I am not comfortable or content at this weight. My body is a source of such frustration.

I have a quintessential pear shaped body, smaller on top, comes in at the waist before billowing out on the bottom. I’m all hips, butt and thighs! My calves are large too which prevents me from wearing the cute boots that everyone seems to be wearing today. And don’t tell me they have extenders for the boots! I know all about them and they still don’t work for me.

Forget about fashion…I am hopeless when it comes to dressing myself. If it’s not scrubs or workout clothes I’m totally clueless. I spent Black Friday shopping for an outfit to wear to my cousin’s bridal shower the next morning. After hours of trying my best to ignore the throngs of shoppers I returned home empty handed and feeling defeated. For the first time in my life I had no trouble fitting into clothes, but it’s the way the clothing fit that bothered me. I found an adorable dress, but as most dresses go it was too big on the top and fit perfectly on the bottom.  I’m basically two different sizes. You would think some designer would create a line to target my body type. I know I’m not the only one out there. I ended up wearing the black dress I wore to my grandmother’s way last year. It was fine, but not exactly the mood I was going for at a breakfast bridal shower.

I am constantly comparing myself to other women particularly my sister. I’ll never be her. NEVER! She is very thin. We have different body types. Hers is athletic and lacks the womanly curves mine flaunts every chance it gets. The women in Mozambique used to make an outline of my body in the air while describing what a great child bearer I would make one day! I don’t hate my curves, but I know the way I dress and my weight accentuates them in a negative way. My sister is always so put together. She wears expensive clothing and carries herself in such a professional, mature way. I genuinely feel as though I am a foot shorter than I really am, at least 10 pounds larger and I imagine I look like a frumpy, disheveled mess all the time no matter how much I primp and prepare.

I’m angry with myself for thinking so badly about my body lately. I shouldn’t feel this way. Hell my husband is extremely pleased with my body, more so than ever before. He has never made me feel uncomfortable about my body, but it’s certainly nice to know that he appreciates the changes that have taken place over the last several years. I wish I could see what he sees.

My weight loss journey has taken so long. It’s been slow and often unpredictable. I can’t show you a weight loss chart that starts above 200 pounds and consistently decreases week after week. No mine is all over the freaking place. The trend for me over the last couple of years is to shed about 10 pounds and then hang out at a certain weight for a while. I don’t consider these plateaus, but rather periods of maintenance. I learn valuable lessons along the way, but sometimes like lately I just can’t stand to be at a standstill anymore. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep and breathe my weight, weight loss, diet, and exercise. It’s mentally draining and physically demanding.

I’ve worked very very hard to get to where I’m at today. I’m not going to give up. I may never reach that number on the scale, but I will never watch that scale go above where I’m now. As crabby as I am today about my body, I know gaining weight is not the answer. So why do I keep reverting to old behaviors lately? I’ve had a few days of lunch time binge eating. Since I’m now wearing Invisalign (a story for a different day), I’ve also recently switched to a vegan diet (another story for a different day) and I don’t have much processed food in the house to begin with these binges are mostly fruit and vegetable based with a little too much peanut butter or hummus thrown in! I may be adding an air of humor to this, but it’s not funny. I’ve struggled with occasional binge eating/overeating for all of my adult life. I love to eat dammit! It’s like my stomach is a black hole that never fills. I get a taste for something, usually sweet, and I have to have it STAT! I have come a considerably long way in coping with this issue, but lately it’s reared its very ugly head leading me to try to analyze why I’m giving in to such negative behaviors.

I’m all over the place with my emotions, my thoughts, my schedule and my life lately. I needed an outlet today and this is it. Don’t berate me for being whiny please. I am an extremely fortunate person with a wonderful life. I’m grateful for my health and the well being of myself and my family. However, I suspect that some of the binge behavior is due to the fact that I’ve been keeping a lot of this bottled up. I need to let it out and I don’t really have anyone but my husband to talk to. He will listen, but he cannot relate. I have friends, but let’s face it everyone is busy with their own lives.

I just wanted to start releasing some of what has been inside of me for weeks now in an attempt to move forward. I’ve let my food journal lapse, but I intend to pick that habit up again starting right now. I’m currently not training for anything in particular, but I hope to set a new plan by the end of the weekend with some solid fitness goals for the new year. Other than that I’m not making any other promises. All I know is I vehemently refuse to enter 2014 feeling this way both physically and emotionally.