Summer Fun

Posted on July 11, 2013 by Aimee

Slow down there summer! You had only just begun and now suddenly it’s the second week of July. The days go by so quickly. Home from work, change into running clothes, bring Carlos to soccer camp, run/work out, home, shower, change, pick up Carlos from camp, home, lunch, play outside or read with Carlos, swim lessons for Carlos in town, home, sleep, up, get ready and go to work. Phew I’m exhausted writing all of that and I didn’t even mention the play dates, strawberry picking, trip to Maine, a visit to Boston for a Peace Corps conference, long runs, walks to the library. These are the kind of days I don’t sit down because there is too much to do, too much fun to be had.

We spent the Fourth of July at my cousin’s lake house in Maine. It was a quick two night getaway, but much needed. This was the kind of vacation that made me remember how exciting summer was as a child. We went tubing, kayaking, I ran, the boys fished, we chatted, rested and most importantly we relaxed. I stayed on track with marathon training mostly because I was so excited to run in a new, beautiful locale. My training runs were challenging hilly jaunts along the lake, but I welcomed the change of scenery.

Lake view

Harbor view

Our meals were simply prepared with no fuss yet they tasted exceptionally delicious. The first night we had a cookout complete with hamburgers, hot dogs, a Mediterranean grain salad, and regular salad which was mostly for me. The second night was even more of a treat. My cousin has a “lobster guy” who supplies him with freshly caught $5 two-pound lobsters. Seafood is what keeps me from becoming a true vegetarian. We feasted on lobster, corn on the cob and my black bean salad at the picnic table on the shore of the lake.

At night fall on 4th of July we ventured into the quaint downtown of Damariscotta for the fireworks. For a small town they put on a great fireworks display.

Downtown Damariscotta

Damariscotta

My son soaked up every single moment of the weekend. He was in the water within minutes of arriving. He went tubing for the first time and roped me into it too. It was so much fun, but a little wild at times. His tubing mottos, “the faster the better,” and “falling off is the fun part!” Who is this child?! He hopped into a kayak and took off for the first time like he had been kayaking for his entire life. He finally gave me a try in the kayak and I fell in love. It is one of the most peaceful activities I have ever done. We went out on the motor boat, in the canoe, and the kayaks. My cousin’s teen sons were so kind to Carlos and made sure he explored as much of the lake as he could in the short time we were there.

Summer Smile

Carlos in the kayak

At peace

On the way up to the lake we made a pit stop to Cabela’s to buy Carlos a fishing pole. Have you ever visited this store? It is an enormous mecca for outdoor enthusiasts. We could have spent hours in there, but we were so anxious to get to the lake we made our purchase and left. Carlos could not wait to go fishing. The first afternoon we were there he quickly learned how to cast his line, but had no success catching anything from the dock and was up at the crack of dawn the next day to try his luck out on the lake. I received this photo from my cousin via text at 6:20 a.m.

First catch of the day

Maine is one of those places that begs you to wind down, relax and smell the proverbial roses. Though we had WiFi at the lake and I brought my computer, I never opened it. I was content to just sit by the lake enjoying the company and my tranquil surroundings. On our last morning my husband and I went out on the lake in a canoe. We paddled to a small island where we met up with Carlos who was paddling around in a kayak. The three of us sat there for a bit trying to concoct a plan to never leave! We drove home on Friday afternoon feeling as though we recharged our batteries, reconnected with each other and really truly relaxed for the first time in ages. It was much needed.

How was your 4th of July? How is your summer going so far?

Stepping Up

Posted on June 13, 2013 by Aimee

On Tuesday night my little guy became a Kindergarten graduate. He officially “stepped up” up to first grade on Monday when he went for a visit to the primary school building and got to spend time in first grade.

The children have been practicing for their graduation for months. They are no strangers to performing for an audience. This was their 4th show of the year. They sing, dance, speak and recite poems. Not one of them seems to be nervous which is so impressive. I would be a wreck!

I had asked Carlos earlier in the day if I would cry and he said, “I think you will Mommy especially during the last song so you better bring your tissues.” The teachers sure know how to tug at your heart strings. The last song definitely made me tear up with its message to hang onto your child now for it won’t be long before they are all grown up.

I do try to savor every moment with Carlos, but it does seem like he is growing up all too quickly. For now I’ll take every hug that’s offered, every hand to hold and every moment he wants to spend with me.

Kindergarten Graduation

Carlos receiving his Kindergarten Medal

My family

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Aimee

This is what I typed into my workout calendar entry for today’s exercise.

3.25 mile run in 31:42

My usual route around home

A few words about this run:

-My Garmin was acting funny and my pace was all over the place despite a steady normal pace for most of the run. This is a very familiar route and at one point on a flat bit my pace was around 15 min/mile. That is impossible. I will note that the weather is overcast and very cloudy so I’m not sure if that was interfering with the satellite signal to my Garmin.
-I binged on cereal before my run and boy could I feel it in my stomach. I am ashamed of this. I haven’t done this in ages, but I started on it and couldn’t stop. The fact that it was flavorless millet puffs doesn’t matter. What’s important is that I recognized the behavior and learn from it. It’s really hard not to be disgusted by my actions. I thought I was over this behavior.
-I am an emotional wreck for some reason. I couldn’t stop thinking about this issue with Laura and the gift card which led to all sorts of thoughts about things with my Dad. I was literally about to burst into tears and if anyone had seen my face they would have thought I was crazy or constipated!
-On a positive note I ran…I ran even though I didn’t feel like it. I went out and got fresh air. I moved my body for 3.25 miles. In doing so I stopped my binge and now I’m going to move on for the day. This will not break me. I didn’t get fat from three bowls of millet puffs. I will not beat myself up over this.

Oddly enough just as I finished cutting and pasting this here my Mom called. I’m not going to get into the whole saga regarding my Dad, but my Mom managed to coax me into unloading onto her. I sobbed and sniffled my way through my feelings. My Mom demanded that I stop letting my Dad (they are divorced) make me feel badly. My aunt got on the phone (my Mom and her sister work together) and she joined in on lecturing me not to let anyone make me unhappy. They are right and by the end of the conversation I felt so much better. So now I’m going shopping in my new size 6 khaki capris. I am going to buy a nice dress for Carlos’ Kindergarten graduation tomorrow. I’m going to get a manicure, my eyebrows waxed and a makeover at Bare Escentuals. I would love a pedicure, but my feet are in need of a podiatrist before they can look pretty again. Ugghhh they’re feet who am I kidding?! More on that another day! Then I will finish putting together the Kindergarten class gift for the teacher. Eventually I will go to bed because I have two more nights to go of my 6 night stretch.

Life has been busy lately, in a good way. I keep up with blogs in the middle of the night from my phone when I’m on break and sometimes in the morning when I’m eating breakfast. I miss commenting and I miss writing here. I have some fun news to share and with any luck I’ll be back before the end of the week. Now time to hit the mall.

Skin Deep: New Life

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Aimee

I began this series almost a year ago with this post. Through these posts I have learned so much about myself. I have worked through many emotions related to my weight issues. I’ve struggled with my weight since adolescence. There is no way to effectively lose weight and keep it off without addressing the reasons I have been overweight for the better part of my life.

In my last post I finished nursing school and had recently found out I was pregnant. My mentality was beginning to shift from being solely about looking better to living a long healthy life so I could be there for my husband and child. However, old habits are difficult to break.

The Muffin

This is a story about the muffin. No, that’s not a cute name we coined for our unborn child. In the early stages of pregnancy I immediately gave myself permission to eat more. I quit Weight Watchers and though I tried to eat healthy I definitely ate for two. I developed morning sickness by the second month and an eager craving to eat breads, muffins, bland starchy foods and watermelon. Meat and vegetables were a turn off. My diet was still full of processed convenience foods. Once a month I shopped at Costco and for years I bought a dozen large blueberry muffins for my husband. As long as I had been buying them I never indulged in one. I had deemed them off limits because of their enormous calorie count.

One morning after returning home from a walk and suffering a bout of morning sickness I found myself craving a muffin so I ate one. It happened to be one of the last muffins in the package. My husband had seen me at various weights during our relationship. He was aware that I struggled with my weight, but never criticized me or made me feel badly about my weight. He has always loved me for me. However, watching me go through so many trials and tribulations with my weight he had also learned how food, weight gain and my body image contributed to my mood, personality and attitude.

Later that evening my husband was acting funny towards me, barely speaking to me. He seemed angry. All of these behaviors were highly out of character for him. After prodding him for a while he relented and admitted he was upset and annoyed that I had eaten the muffin. He reminded me how I always said the muffins were fattening and unhealthy, and that’s why I would never eat them. He had a right to be pissed. If I chose not to take care of my body pre-pregnancy that was my business, but being pregnant means caring for someone else, putting someone else first. That someone was our child.

Pregnant Body

My body grew in a way I didn’t expect. Instead of a cute protruding baby bump I grew two sizes in my behind. I joked that it looked like I was having twins, one in each cheek. I didn’t look pregnant. I simply looked like I had gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time. My clothing didn’t fit nor could I find flattering maternity clothing.

My hair got frizzy and began to thin in the front. It was far from healthy and lustrous. Initially my skin looked ruddy rather than glowing.

By the time my morning sickness ended I was left feeling large and bloated. I, all but ceased exercising save for intermittent walks here and there. Oddly I couldn’t stand music on my headphones or in the car during my pregnancy. I took walks in silence and thought mostly about how cruddy I felt.

Pregnant Mind

I felt conflicted all the time. I was supposed to love being pregnant, right? I didn’t really. I was supposed to feel radiant. Well I definitely didn’t. I mean don’t get me wrong I loved what was going on inside my body. I loved every flutter and kick. I adored talking to my baby. Orlando and I decided not to find out the sex of the baby, yet all along I felt very strongly that I was having a boy. We didn’t care either way.

I did my absolute best to put on a good face when others asked me how I was feeling. I lied a lot. I said what I knew everyone wanted to hear…”I feel great!”

Pregnant Pause

By the time I actually began to look pregnant I had tipped the scales at well over 200 pounds. My legs and feet were swollen. My face was round and chubby. I hated the way I looked despite the joy I felt about becoming a mother.

Working nights gave me a lot of time to think during the day when I was home alone. I was angry with myself for allowing my weight and body image issues to be intertwined with my pregnancy. I knew I should have committed myself pre-pregnancy to achieving a healthy body weight. Fortunately my pregnancy was uneventful and healthy despite my weight.

I have never loved anyone as much as I did this baby growing inside me. I knew I had only one more chance to confront my weight issues and at last commit to a healthy lifestyle once my child was born.

A Gift from God

I’m sorry to say I never grew to love my pregnant body. I cried when I became unable to tie my shoes. I was frustrated that I was reduced to a select few articles of clothing including a pair of unbuttoned non-maternity plus size jeans. At my last OB/Gyn appointment just 5 days before I gave birth I weighed 223 pounds. I had gained exactly 40 pounds during the pregnancy. I was very unhappy about those numbers.

Despite the disdain with which I viewed my body I never once felt anything but amazement and adoration for my baby. After the muffin incident my husband embraced the changes in my body through the eyes of a loving husband and soon-to-be father.

After nearly 18 hours of labor and a Pitocin drip I had only dilated to 2 centimeters. There were complications arising and what I thought would be a relatively uneventful delivery turned into an emergency C-section. I have never shunned my body for not being able to deliver naturally. I was too concerned with the health of my baby to care how he came into this world. At 6:29 pm on December 17th I heard the most melodic cry as Carlos entered the world and changed our lives forever.

As a new mother all I wanted was to give my son the most wonderful life imaginable. Little did I know he would be the one to breathe new life into me.

How to Eat Like a 6 Year Old

Posted on February 1, 2013 by Aimee

This morning when I came home from work I asked my son what he had for breakfast as I always do. His answers are much the same cereal, egg, toast, fruit… Today’s answer was a bit different and it still has me shaking my head in disbelief. He replied, “I had cereal mom, but I didn’t eat a lot.” I offered him an apple for the ride to school and his reply blew me away. “No I don’t want anything else to eat because today is a special day at school. We are having donuts and a movie at snack recess today and maybe some other special treats so I don’t want to make my stomach full and not be hungry later.”

I have always been in awe of how Carlos eats. He asks for food when he is hungry and stops when is full. It boggles my mind to see him literally stop eating a piece of decadent cheesecake or what have you practically mid-bite, push it away and state matter-of-factly “I’m all done.” It is as though he is hard wired with an on and off switch that I clearly lack. I am envious of that and as I work towards overcoming a life long battle with food I find myself observing my son’s eating habits in hopes that they will rub off on me a bit. He is healthy, energetic and strong. He does not and probably will never have to concern himself with his weight if he continues to remain so self-aware and maintain the habits he has now.

However, he is a child and some of his habits are tied into his environment. I have never discussed my weight issues with my son. I do not fret about how I look in front of him nor do I obsess about what I eat to him. I educate him the best I can about nutrition, fitness and overall health and wellness. I have done some things differently with him regarding food that stray from the way I was raised. I do not ever force him to eat if he says he is not hungry. I carry a few healthy snacks on me at all times so we are not at the mercy of junk food if hunger strikes. His beverage of choice is water, juice is very limited and he does not drink soda in my presence (I can’t always control what happens when I’m not around, but he seems to think it’s disgusting for now). I start him with a normal child size portion and allow him seconds if he is still hungry after eating everything on his plate rather than present him with an adult size portion which might encourage him to eat more than he wants or needs.

Maybe Carlos’ tummy was a little hungry as he left for school this morning, but he knew it would be full with a more enticing treat in no time. In the world of Weight Watchers and other weight loss programs this is called pre-planning your day. For Carlos it was a simple decision. Psychotherapist and nutritionist Ellyn Satter sums it up nicely, “The parent is responsible for what, when and where. The child is responsible for how much and whether.”

Friend Makin’ Mondays: Getting to Know Each Other

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Aimee

I can’t believe the weekend is over. Where did it go? I kicked off the weekend with a really great yoga class on Friday morning. I also managed to sneak in a 10 mile run outdoors on Saturday morning. It felt so great to run outside even if it was in the 20s. I kept thinking this is perfect running weather followed by who the heck am I? Carlos had asked that morning if we could go to the rock climbing gym so we jumped in the car after my run for an hour of climbing before his basketball game.

On Sunday, Carlos had ice skating lessons. The program he is in is phenomenal. The coaches are so kind, patient and encouraging. The group is huge yet week after week you can really see the progress the kids are making. This is echoed in the weekly emails we get from the head coach. He is so positive and clearly thrilled with how well the kids are doing. They are using sticks and pucks were introduced this week. As of yet Carlos has no plans to play hockey which is fine with us, but he loves to skate and looks forward to the lessons each week.

After skating we attended Open House at his school. It was so cute. He was proud to show us his work and his classroom. He adores his teacher and the feeling is obviously mutual. Needless to say I was feeling lots of pride and joy as well as a touch of sadness at how quickly my little boy is growing. Cue the Kleenex!

Nothing like a Monday morning to snap us back to reality. If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so everyone can see your FMM questions. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Getting To Know Each Other

1. What is your favorite color? I honestly don’t have a favorite color which drives my son nuts. My son declared his favorite color to be yellow when he was about 2 and hasn’t changed his mind since. I tend to be most comfortable around earth tones, nothing too bright or colorful.

2. Share one or more of your talents. I got nothin’!

3. If you were spending the day getting to know someone new, where would you want to go? Whenever I am meeting up with a new “mom” friend I love to grab a coffee or tea at Barnes & Noble or something outdoors with the kids like the playground.

4. What is your favorite meal? If you had asked me this question 15-20 years ago I would have said pasta (and lots of it) with my aunt’s meat sauce. Today I adore ethnic food particularly Indian, Thai and Mexican, but those meals are best when I eat them at authentic restaurants. At home my favorite meal lately is a big kale salad with roasted butternut squash, loads of veggies and chick peas. I’m addicted to kale!

5. Do you prefer to text or talk? Texting is my preference because I really dislike the quality of my iPhone as an actual phone and since it’s my only phone I would rather just text than deal with the dropped calls or poor reception.

6. Share something about yourself that might surprise someone that you’re getting to know. I had really big hair in the late 80’s and I saw some of the big name “hair” bands of the time like Ratt, Poison, Motley Crew and White Snake amongst others. Aqua net…oh yes I did!

7. Do you color your hair? Yes, thanks to my grandmother. I inherited the go grey in your 20s gene from my grandmother. I went gray around my right temple in my mid-20s. I hated it. My grandmother was so proud of the fact that she was totally gray by her late 20s. No thank you very much! I color my hair ever 5-7 weeks. I love my stylist. She’s adorable and always makes me feel very youthful.

8. Do you wear glasses or contacts? I wear glasses for driving.

9. What is your favorite breakfast food? I really love oatmeal though I’ve switched to more veggie based breakfasts like egg white omelets lately.

10. Would your friends say that you’re sarcastic? Absolutely! I always have been and I don’t mean any harm by it. However, I am often misunderstood, but mostly by my family all of whom have known me my entire life and should get my sarcasm by now.

11. Do you prefer salty or sweet? Sweet.

12. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I’m not partial to any particular attribute. I suppose I first notice personality. I almost always developed an attraction to a man after meeting and getting to know him.

13. What is the last movie you watched? The last movie I saw in the cinema was The Hunger Games. I went to the midnight showing on opening night. Yes I’m aware that was almost a year ago. I’m approximately 83 years old on my nights off and cannot stay awake long enough to watch a sitcom. I have been watching lots of food/nutrition documentaries on Netflix. These often take me days because I don’t have time to just sit and watch a movie in its entirety.

14. Are you religious? I believe in God and I’ve always thought of myself as privately spiritual, but I do not attend church regularly despite the fact that my son goes to Catholic school. I love learning about all kinds of religions and I will gladly attend a service of another religion.

15. Are you a neat freak, a slob, or somewhere in between? I’m extremely tidy. OK everyone who knows me would say I’m a neat freak. I can live somewhere in between for a few hours, but then I have to tidy up.

16. Share something from your bucket list that you hope to do someday. I have so many things I hope to do and many revolve around traveling to as many places in the world as I am able to safely. I am adamant about climbing Mount Kilimanjaro with Carlos on my 50th birthday.

17. Are you a risk taker, or do you prefer to play it safe? I am a risk taker to some degree. I love doing new things, but my desire to do things like parachute out of a plane no longer holds any appeal since becoming a mother.

18. Have you ever worn braces? Yes. I was the first person in my grade to have braces. I got them in 4th grade and off in 6th. However, I now need to consider Invisalign for my bottom teeth which have shifted tremendously.

19. Would you rather spend an evening at a theater or at a club? I like them both, but I would choose a salsa club over the theater any day.

20. If you could have three wishes, what would one of them be? I hate to end on a somber note. I am sending my thoughts, prayers and wishes to Mozambique in hopes that the flooding will soon subside and the waters would magically disappear so everyone could return to life as it was (I will post about this later in the week). We are feeling very helpless here and know all too well from experience what they are going through. My in-laws and friends are safe and most are out of the town, but thousands of people will soon face the task of rebuilding their town once again.

Now it’s your turn to answer the questions. Don’t forget to visit Kenlie’s blog and link up in the comments!

Day Dates

Posted on January 27, 2013 by Aimee

My husband and I rarely go out on dates. It has a lot to do with my schedule. I work nights and I work every other weekend. It also has to do with the exorbitant cost of babysitters these days. What the heck happened to $2/hour? When I am lucky enough to even find a babysitter the minimum is $10/hour.

My husband is a mason and he gets laid off most winters. We plan for it financially so we don’t stress about money, but it tends to take an emotional toll on the two of us. I think it’s the lack of day structure that makes my husband a bit loopy after a few weeks. Needless to say neither on of us can wait for work to begin again.

We decided to take a different approach this year. For one I have stepped down off my martyr throne and now graciously accept any offers to drive Carlos to school, do other errands or jobs around the house. We are also enjoying some much needed quality couple time together. Since we don’t have too many Saturday night dates we are now taking this opportunity to go on day dates. I have no idea why we never thought of this before.

So far my favorite day date was snowshoeing at Northfield Mountain. It was a first for both of us and it was so much fun. Northfield is a small town located in north western Massachusetts. It was established in 1723 and straddles both sides of the Connecticut River.

The trails were nicely groomed, it was a good day for a winter activity, not too cold and no wind. Oh I have to interject here that it was also my first outing in my new snow pants. I splurged and bought a pair of black North Face snow pants. I decided that in order to really enjoy winter and all the fun winter outdoor activities then I need to dress appropriately. I have never had great winter gear so I’m always cold and uncomfortable. No more! These pants were amazing; warm, perfect fit, not bulky and they looked decent. According to my husband the view from behind was rather pleasing! They weren’t exactly cheap, but I suspect I will have them for years to come.

Back to snowshoeing…it was a blast. We tore up the mountain once we got the hang of walking with the funny shoes. We followed the map to the summit. There is a reservoir on top with pretty views all the way into Vermont. We took in the view and then back down we went at a speedy pace so we could head back to pick up Carlos from school on time. It was a workout for sure, but it was so much fun it didn’t feel like work.

Enough talk. Here are some photos of the day.

Mozambican Mountain Man

Scenery along the way

Nearing the summit

We made it!

Taking a break to admire the view

New snow pants and a view of Vermont in the distance

If you have never snowshoed before give it a try. It’s like hiking in the snow. It’s fun, refreshing to be out in the crisp winter air and it’s great exercise.

Skin Deep: Living in America

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Aimee

Earlier this sumer I introduced a series of posts touching on my weight issues and body image over the years. I have wanted to return to it for some time now. If you missed any of the previous posts they can be found below.

Skin Deep: Adolescence

Skin Deep: College Years

Skin Deep: Mozambique

I left off on the verge of leaving my life in Mozambique to return to the United States. I was newlywed and had been out of the country for nearly four years. Unfortunately student loan payments began calling and neither my husband or I could find stable employment in Mozambique. So back to the U.S. it was.

I looked and felt great the day I stepped off the plane. In the back of my head I was worried about the temptations that awaited me. I returned home first. Orlando arrived two months later. I lived with my mother while I began setting up our new life in the states. I got busy applying for jobs and while I waited for work I began substitute teaching in my hometown. However, I often found myself alone on days I didn’t work. It didn’t take long for my old habits to rear their ugly heads. I began to eat my old favorite processed foods I hadn’t eaten for the years I lived abroad. I didn’t just eat a little. I ate a lot and I ate most of it in private. As you can imagine it didn’t take me long to start gaining weight.

By the time I was reunited with my husband I had gained at least 10 pounds. With the weight came the old feelings, insecurity, self-consciousness and lack of confidence. I knew I was on a slippery slope and it didn’t end there. Despite being here with my husband I felt very lonely. Friendships had changed while I was away. My family was adjusting to my marriage particularly my mother who strongly disagreed with my decision. As my weight increased so did my defensive attitude. I became angry, frustrated and looking back I can now identify that I was also depressed.

A year earlier a very good college friend had asked me to be in her wedding. The wedding was 5 months after my return. I had been fitted for the bridesmaid dress a year earlier on a visit to the U.S. at a time when I was comfortable with my weight. The dress fit beautifully and looked quite nice. Cut to a year later as the wedding neared. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my body. The dress was beyond snug. It actually looked horrible. I didn’t want to be in the wedding. Needless to say I was not the model of a supportive bridesmaid. I was resentful because of how I felt inside. I attended the wedding alone and though I did my best to be happy for my friend I clearly wasn’t happy to be there. After the wedding our communication waned. I haven’t seen my friend since. I did call her months later to apologize for my behavior but the damage had been done. This memory is cemented in my mind and thinking about it makes me feel terrible.

My husband began working within days of arriving for a swimming pool company. I was not so lucky. It turned out to be almost as difficult to find employment here in the U.S. It took me 4 months to get a full time job with health insurance. I finally took a position running a program for pregnant and parenting teens. The program was run through the state supported Department of Transitional Assistance as an alternative to traditional schooling. Since the girls were all receiving welfare they were required to attend school or obtain a GED. This program prepared the girls to take the GED. I also ran health workshops, parenting classes and life skills classes. I enjoyed the job and the day structure.

After a few months on the job I began to lose some weight and felt a bit better about myself. I began walking a lot for exercise. As I lost weight my mood improved, but I would get down 5-10 pounds and then gain again. It became a vicious cycle. My eating habits were terrible. I relied on frozen foods and convenience food for meals. My pantry was full of packages labeled fat free, low fat and light. I tricked myself into believing that I was eating healthy by eating less fat.

I also picked up some new damaging habits. This is difficult for me to write about because I haven’t readily admitted it before. I began eating in secret. I would buy a forbidden treat at the grocery store with the intent of finishing it in the car on the way home, quite a feat considering I lived about 3 minutes away. I would hide a bag of chips in the pantry and basically binge eat it when my husband was at work or asleep. Again rather risky given the fact that we lived in a small apartment. I didn’t do it all the time, but when I did I was left feeling confused, remorseful and regretful. I would instantly vow to embark on a drastic diet the following day. You can probably guess where that kind of thinking led me.

Between 2002 and 2004 my weight bounced up and down finally settling somewhere in the high 170s, a place I had been many times before. I squeezed into my familiar size 14s, did my best at hiding my body with baggie sweaters and used my go to defense mechanism of sarcasm to deal with the hurt and shame I felt. I was miserable inside.

Despite the weight I didn’t shy away from new opportunities or challenges in other aspects of my life. I had thought about becoming a nurse during my years in Mozambique because of the need for health care workers there. Also the demand for nurses here promised a decent paying career. My job with the Young Parents Program was tenuous and budget cuts in the state forced the program to close temporarily in the beginning of 2003. When it reopened the program I ran did not so I was only offered a part-time position in another town. I declined because I had the foresight to register for a prerequisite nursing class at a local community college. At that point I decided to throw myself into preparing for nursing school full time so I signed up for more classes and began working at a pizza shop where my aunt worked for extra money.

My self-esteem was at a low. My weight was all over the place. In October of 2003 we had our U.S. wedding for my friends and family. It was a nice day, but I am disappointed looking back on it. I wanted to glow and feel my best, but instead I settled for mediocre. I didn’t feel like the beautiful bride. I was jealous of how thin my wedding party was and how great they looked in their dresses. Imagine the bride envious of her wedding party. The way I felt about myself definitely cast a shadow on my mood that day. I managed to put on a good face, but deep down I was mad at myself for once again allowing my weight to dictate my mood.

I’m aware that I may get comments about these photos. Remember that how one feels about their body is subjective. This is my story and these are my feelings. I have struggled with weight issues most of my life. While my weight in these photos may not be considered by some to be a problem, to me it was a problem.

Here comes the bride: My Dad and I walking down the aisle

I do…again!

After the wedding I threw myself into my studies, I joined a gym and I began waitressing full time. I was busy. My weight fluctuated and even dropped for a time, but not too low. I didn’t own a scale and didn’t weigh myself at the gym so I’m not quite sure what I weighed. My mood was often directly correlated to the current state of my weight and how I felt in my clothing.

This has been a very difficult and emotional post to write. This was a rather dark time in my life. It’s also important for me to write about this time period because it plays an important role in who I’ve become today. Disordered eating was accompanied by disordered thinking and both needed to be addressed before any real change could take place.

I realize this post is somewhat disjointed and unorganized. That reflects how I felt during this period of my life. To tie up some loose ends I will end with a list to make my thoughts more organized.

My marriage withstood my moods and frustrations with my weight primarily because I have a wonderful husband who has always loved me as I am.
My relationship with friends and family deteriorated because I was not a joy to be around most of the time.
I avoided family gatherings if possible.
Emotional eating was in full swing.
Nursing school allowed me an excuse to hide in some ways. It also provided me with added stress which led me to eat more.
I was unhappy and it showed most of the time.
I wanted to change but I wanted someone to help me. Essentially I wanted someone to do it for me.

Friend Makin’ Monday: Christmas Questions

Posted on December 11, 2012 by Aimee

The holidays are really upon us. I’m feeling just a twinge of stress already. This week’s Friend Makin’ Monday questions couldn’t be more timely. I want to preface my responses by saying that I love the holidays. I love the scents, the lights, the decorations and the overall sentiment of giving and kindness. However, I absolutely hate the gift giving and sense of commercialism this time of year is associated with. I am doing my best to instill a different perspective in my son. His father grew up in a third world country where Christmas is a religious celebration to mark the birthday of Jesus. The day is also known as Dia da familia (Family Day) and is marked by cooking and eating as a family. I would like my son to know that kind of Christmas, but the resistance from my family is very very strong.

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so everyone can see your FMM questions. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Christmas Questions

1. How will you celebrate the holidays this year? Normally I have a Christmas brunch at my house so Carlos can be home for Christmas. For the first time we will be celebrating Christmas at my sister’s home in the Boston area with my sister, her boyfriend, my mother and her husband. I won’t get into the reason why we are having it at her house. My son is not very happy about it. Frankly I could care less at this point as I hope to spend the holidays with my husband and son only next year somewhere outside of Massachusetts.

2. What’s the weather currently like where you live? It is rainy and damp today which is making it feel much colder than 44 degrees. The rest of the week looks sunny with temperatures in the low 40s. I’m still running outdoors and that makes me happy this time of year.

3. Do you decorate your home for the holidays? If so, share a picture please! Yes I do. Carlos and I finished yesterday. I’m almost embarrassed to show you my decorations so I’ll just show our stockings. For some reason my iPhone photos came out like crap for this post. I’m sorry.

Stockings hung from the chimney

4. What is your favorite Christmas movie? Miracle on 34th Street

5. What is your favorite Christmas songs? Silent Night

6. Do you have an advent calendar? We do. My son goes to Catholic school and he got this little Advent calendar in his religion class.

Advent Calendar

I had to capture my son’s first preschool photo in there. Awwww! Also the Santa statue is one that I painted as a child years ago at a place called the Plaster Fun House. I have no idea how it has lasted this long, but I put it out every year.

7. Do you prefer color lights or white lights? I love the simplicity and elegance of white lights. However, Carlos really wants colored lights so maybe next year.

8. What is your favorite food to eat over the holidays? I’m a sucker for Christmas cookies, peppermint bark and my neighbor’s homemade fudge.

9. Do you display a live tree, or do you prefer fake trees? We have a fake tree. I wouldn’t say I necessarily prefer it, but it’s easier. I have never had a live tree. I love having the tree up, but I don’t exactly love the process of setting it up and decorating it. The lights are a pain in the neck every single year. I just bought new ones last year and half of them were burnt out this year. My husband very nicely informed me the first Christmas we spent in the U.S. that decorating for Christmas is not his thing. It goes without saying that there are no Christmas trees in Mozambique. He has a very difficult time with all the hoopla surrounding the holidays here. I can’t say I blame him. Holidays in Mozambique were the best. I miss them a lot.

Anyway I got off track a bit so here is a picture of my little fake tree.

O Christmas Tree

10. What would you need to make your holiday perfect this year? Well I guess after my commentary above spending the holiday in Mozambique again would make my holiday perfect.

I know I sound like a grinch. I’m not seriously! Carlos enjoys a perfectly normal Christmas by our standards here in the U.S. He has been to see Santa. He writes a list of things he wants. We bake Christmas cookies and shop for gifts. We also donate to Toys for Tots and give a bag of mittens, hats and scarves to his school. This year we will shop for the food pantry down the street and find out how we can get more involved.

Carlos is thinking about what more he can add to his list.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions. While you’re at it maybe you could try to answer a couple for me.

For those of you with children how do you balance the commercialism of Christmas with the true meaning of Christmas? And how would you respond to the question, “why doesn’t Santa go to Mozambique?”

Don’t forget to visit Kenlie’s blog and link up in the comments!

Insta Hike

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Aimee

Today looked like fall yet felt like summer. As the temperature rose to the low 70s by afternoon I felt the itch to get outside. Orlando was watching the Patriots game so Carlos and I went for an impromptu hike up a section of nearby Mt. Tom. I decided to play with the Instagram app along the way. Carlos had fun with the different settings. Here are our favorites.