I’ve always been awkward inside my own skin. I marvel at people who convey confidence through their appearance and the way they speak. I want to know what that feels like. I’ve never been very confident. Even on my wedding days (there have been 2) I didn’t feel like the prettiest girl in the room. I was happy, but not confident. With age I’ve gotten much better at masking how I feel on the outside. For so long my face showed exactly what my mind was thinking and my body feeling.
Much of how I feel about myself has been directly linked to my weight. I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember. Or have I? I look back at myself in photos and I don’t really look that heavy, but I sure did feel heavy. I wonder where those feelings came from. I always considered myself bigger than my friends. It made me self-conscious and because of it I developed a defensive outer edge with a sharp sarcastic wit. This not only rendered me ugly on the inside it made me very difficult to deal with and be around.
By the time I was in high school I was miserable. I watched from the sidelines as classmates began dating and socializing at sporting events, parties, dates, etc. Sure I had a few friends and talked to people at school, but I never seemed to fit in to any particular group. I spent a lot of time wallowing in my bedroom.
It’s no surprise that I was on a different diet weekly or pledging to starve myself until I was a beautiful, skinny popular girl. The starvation idea usually got thrown out the window by lunchtime. I hid under baggy clothing which did little to boost my self-esteem.
I wasted a great deal of time obsessed with my mediocre appearance. I sang the it’s not fair song far too much yet truthfully did nothing to change things. I was full of envy for anything I wasn’t. I envied the beautiful girls, the intelligent girls, the witty girls, the cute as a button girls, the thin girls, the girls with gorgeous flowing hair, the artistically talented girls. Envy is an extremely powerful and negative emotion…it destroys the soul. When I looked at myself I saw ugly both inside and out. I felt inadequate in every way. If you asked me what I was great at I would tell you that I couldn’t think of one thing. As I neared high school graduation I was certain that I would at last morph into the beautiful swan I was meant to be.
“Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.” -Sophia Loren