Love Your Body Challenge Day 4: Purpose

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In day 4 of the Love Your Body Challenge the goal is to determine your purpose. This is a hot topic in my life right now. It’s something I’ve been pondering for months now. I want the easy way out though. I want someone to come to me and say “Aimee your purpose is ______ and this is how you are going to make it happen.” Since this hasn’t occurred it’s up to me to figure it out. I’m hoping this activity gets me a little closer to realizing my purpose in this world.

Day 4 Mantra: “My existence is a miracle.  I am not here by accident.  My life has purpose and meaning, and that purpose and meaning is_______.”

My Mantra: My life has purpose and meaning, and that meaning is to be the best me I can be.

Of course I feel that one of the most important reasons I’m here is to be the best mother possible to Carlos. I am not perfect, but I do work hard every day to be the best mom I can be.

However, when I read this I instantly thought of my career or work purpose. When I was in high school I was adamant about becoming a cosmetologist. Even though my mom wanted me to go to college she didn’t dissuade me from pursuing my dreams. I was very interested in make up application, facials, cosmetic products, herbal remedies and ingredients in cosmetics. In my junior year of high school my mom took me to a cosmetology school in Boston for a tour and an informational session. I thought I was so serious about pursing this path until my friends all started applying to college and then as many teens are known to do I followed my friends. I applied to traditional colleges and declared I was going to major in Biology with the intention to go on to one day become a Dermatologist. Although I knew a dermatologist was a doctor I don’t think I fully understood that I, myself, would have to go to medical school.

I went to a small private Catholic college in Newport, Rhode Island for my first semester. One of my first orders of business was to denounce my aforementioned goals and study political science. I cannot even remember where that idea came from. I lasted only a semester at Salve Regina University. Not only did I not fit in to the socio-economic profile of the student body, I was not exactly a practicing Catholic. I stupidly transferred to another small private college for literally 4 days (long story for another day!) before ending up living at home and attending a local community college. While at community college I decided that I would study history. I went on to UMass Amherst where I graduated with degrees in History and Spanish with a concentration on Latin American studies. Whenever anyone asked what I wanted to do after college I replied, “join the Peace Corps.” Oh how young and idealistic I sounded!!

I honestly never even gave a career a second thought. I have worked consistently since I was 14 years old. Yet I never truly thought of myself as having a specific career. I wanted to travel and see the world. So I did what a lot of young people with little money and a philanthropic heart do…I joined the Peace Corps. I remember sitting in the office of the Peace Corps recruiter in Boston for my 3 hour long interview. He asked me if I had a preference in countries. Obviously I wanted to go to Latin America. However, he explained that since I had no specific skills I was most qualified to teach English and there were no English programs in Latin America. The only requirement to teach English in the Peace Corps is that you speak English! He sat back for a moment as if he was deep in thought and then he asked me very seriously if I knew how to bee keep. Um no?! He lamented that it was too bad I didn’t because Bolivia had a bee keeping program that was in need of volunteers. In the early days of my English teaching experience in Mozambique, where I eventually ended up serving as a Peace Corps volunteer, when I was frustrated and overwhelmed by dealing with the bureaucracy of the educational system I used to think, really how hard could it be to bee keep.

I was high school English as a Foreign Language teacher in the Peace Corps. This means I taught people to speak English rather than English literature. When I returned home to the U.S. I was daunted by the requirements to teach in the public schools and the lack of jobs for ESL teachers at that time was discouraging. While living in Mozambique I had become very interested in public health, the study of disease and educating people on how to prevent and treat illness.

I contemplated going to graduate school for a degree in public health. I had fleeting thoughts of becoming a nurse, but working in a hospital, dealing with bodily fluids and cleaning people was frightening. Plus I never thought of myself as someone who would work in healthcare. However, upon returning to the U.S. as a newlywed with an immigrant husband and very little money (Peace Corps is truly a volunteer agency!) post 9-11 as the economy was taking a swift turn for the worse, I quickly saw the benefits of becoming a nurse. At that time nursing jobs were plentiful and supported a decent living. After losing my job as a program director for a Department of Welfare supported teen parent education program to state budget cuts, I enrolled in a nursing pre-requisite class at a local community college. I went to nursing school at night and worked as a waitress, a nurse’s aid and even as a dispute resolution coordinator for my mother at the Better Business Bureau.

I got my Associate’s Degree in Nursing. The 2 year RN program (though it’s more like a 3 year program because of all the prerequisite courses you have to take) made more sense at the time because it was the least expensive, quickest option. I was growing anxious to buy a home and start a family at that time. Of course now I’m wondering if I should have just gone for the Bachelor’s Degree.

As a new nurse I decided to work on a general Medical-Surgical unit. I gained valuable experience working on the Med-Surg unit. It is fast paced and unpredictable. You see a little bit of everything from GI bleeds to COPD, appendectomies to chest tubes. It is on Med-Surg that you learn how to prioritize, organize and delegate. From Med-Surg I transferred to the cardiac unit. It was a new challenge and truth be told, one I never felt all that comfortable with. You must be able to think on your toes and act quickly, no second guessing yourself. Critical care is no place for a person who lacks confidence. I worked on the Intermediate Care (Cardiac) Unit for over a year, but eventually found my way to a more suitable position on the Psychiatric unit at the same hospital.

The longer I work within a westernized healthcare system the more I dislike what I do. I don’t regret my decision to become a nurse. I am so grateful for the lifestyle it affords me and my family. I love offering caring and compassion to others. Despite my fears about bedside nursing, I actually consider myself to be quite adept at basic patient care and find it enjoyable to help others in need.

I have come to a professional crossroads. For several years now my attention has turned towards diet, nutrition, spirituality and physical fitness as a means to change myself and become a healthier person in all aspects of mind, body and soul. As I’ve shifted my diet from almost entirely packaged and processed to a mostly plant based diet, I devour information about nutrition. When I took up running I also began to explore the idea of fitness for mental health as well as for improved vitality and physical health. I have only recently tapped into the healing powers of yoga and meditation in my life. I love the idea of spreading wellness holistically to those that are ill rather than simply medicating the symptoms.

Having been overweight since I was a child and having struggled for as long as I can remember with weight loss I would also love to inspire other’s to embark on their own weight loss journeys through sustainable dietary and lifestyle changes. I want to teach others how to eat healthy on a budget, develop a lasting fitness routine within the constraints of a busy lifestyle, prepare home cooked meals with little or no experience in the kitchen and introduce them to the idea of alternative therapies that might work in conjunction with western medicine to more effectively manage disease.

I get really excited whenever anyone wants to discuss nutrition with me. I get almost giddy if someone wants to talk running and fitness. I am all ears when I learn that someone uses alternative therapies along with western medicine. I truly want to be there for others struggling with weight loss because I’ve been there too. I want to inspire, encourage and motivate them to move forward.

I don’t know exactly what my purpose is, but I know that I’m not doing exactly what I’m meant to do. I’m not sure how to get to the place where I will finally be able to pursue my dreams. I know that I need to work on my own self-confidence. I also feel that I need to realize an end to my own weight loss journey before I can help others. Something has been holding me back, but I hope to be able to soon let go of my fears and move closer to finding my purpose.

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Love Your Body Challenge Day 3: Strong

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Love Your Body Challenge Day 3

Mantra: “I am strong enough to______, and I am proud of that.”

My mantra: I am strong enough to know when I need to ask for help, and I’m proud of that.

Action Step:  Write down one way that you demonstrate incredible physical strength, mental strength, and emotional strength.  Let yourself relish in the memory of the last time you did each of these things, and feel incredibly proud.

Physical: I continue to improve the amount of weight I can lift in the gym and the length of time I am able to hold yoga poses. My running pace has improved as has my ability to run longer distances. Excelling at physical fitness makes me feel strong. I do not compare myself to anyone else so my progress is based on where I started, not who is standing next to me at the gym or on a race course or a yoga mat.

On Thursday I went to my usual Vinyasa class only my instructor was out. Another instructor taught the class in a very different style. It was so challenging and pushed me way out of my comfort zone. We held poses a lot longer than usual. We also did a few very new to me poses that were difficult to get into never mind hold for a few minutes. I struggled, wobbled and longed to press back into child’s pose, but I stuck it out and felt amazing at the end.

Running this winter has been frustrating. The treadmill has become a life saver during and after major snowstorms even though I dread the thought of running indoors. I try to get outside as often as possible to run. Last Friday I had a 14 mile training run on the schedule and I really hate to do long runs on the treadmill. I bravely bundled up and hit the road around 8am despite a temperature of 8 degrees outside. The roads and sidewalks are still littered with ice and snow. My route took me to some of the hilliest parts of town because I decided to explore a new area. I felt like the wind was in my face the entire time. I dodged ice patches, cars and puddles. My face was numb. My hands were cold and my legs felt so heavy from all the hills. I was wearing my warmest running pants, but the extra insulation in them makes me feel like I’m running in a diaper. My miles were very slow.  It was miserable, but I did it and damn was I proud of myself when it was over.

Mental: My mental strength allows me to do my job as a psychiatric nurse. I must constantly think one step ahead of the patient. I must quickly assess a person to determine the best way to handle their needs. If I inadvertently do or say something to even slightly cause a patient to react in a negative way then I have to reverse it immediately if possible to avoid a power struggle or unpredictable behavior. Sadly, in recent months I’ve also had to employ mental strength to deal with miserable, negative, complaining co-workers. It’s a stressful environment to work in if you allow it to be. I’m very proud of the resolve I’ve shown and my ability to stay focused on being kind, caring and compassionate amongst very disgruntled colleagues and mentally unstable patients. I have vowed to leave work feeling positive about the job I do. I am not changing or saving lives, but at the end of the shift I need to go home with a smile on my face so I can enjoy my day, be a good mother and maintain my own mental health.

Recently a very difficult patient requested medication from the charge nurse at 6:50 a.m. She immediately gave him attitude and insisted that he would have to wait until day shift came out of report because we were getting ready to leave (this meant the patient would have to wait at least 40 minutes for a medication nurse to help him). I could see him clenching his fists and rocking back and forth. I grabbed the medication room keys and told the patient I would get him the medication. I could see the disapproval on my co-worker’s face, but in that moment I was more interested in avoiding any explosive behavior from the patient than I was in stepping on my co-worker’s toes. At the med room the patient used some choice words to express his disdain towards the other nurse. I offered him some suggestions on how to handle this kind of situation in the future and told him he could always seek me out for medication. I gave him a little TLC and the medication to decrease his anxiety. He said thank you and returned to his room. My co-worker said thank you when I returned to the nurse’s station though she did express her opinion that patient’s shouldn’t expect us to jump when they say jump. I didn’t pay her any mind and walked out of work that day feeling proud that one little act helped avoid a potentially disruptive situation.

Emotional: This one is tough for me because I’ve always felt very weak emotionally. I’m sensitive especially about things people say to me. I have a very hard time hiding my feelings and everything shows on my face. For so long I was a very negative person. I wanted so badly to be pretty and thin. I never felt particularly smart or good at anything. I was the epitome of average. I didn’t quite fit in with any group. I was awkward and self-conscious. My moods were unpredictable and I took everything personally. I think my emotional strength is that slowly but surely I’ve been able to learn from my mistakes and continue to improve myself. I am a work in progress.

I just happened to read this post on Mind Body Green about How to Stop Being So Reactive All the Time. I have a long history of being an overreactive person. I’m infinitely less reactive now than I have been for much of my life. I’ve learned a lot and heeded much needed advice over the years to change my behavior. I was so bad in my teens and early adulthood that I often reacted even before people finished their sentence.

The article offers 6 pieces of advice on how to stop negative reactions. I found the second suggestion very applicable to my history.

2. Evaluate your beliefs.

What do you regard as truth in this lifetime? Do you feel unworthy and therefore think that everyone is critical of everything you do? Are you convinced success emboldens people to look down on everyone below them? We have to take responsibility for our own frame of reference. Sometimes we can project that onto something that isn’t there.

I think this would have been a very helpful suggestion for me in the past. I have always felt as though I was being scrutinized with a critical eye. To this day I still feel as though I am not as good as others. I often feel “small” and insignificant when I’m in a group. I generally think people are judging me and therefore I  mistakenly assume their comments and even tone of voice are meant to belittle me. Ridiculous right? I know it makes me sound paranoid. More and more I am beginning to realize that I have been my own worst enemy.

I’m going to end this post with a quote I saw on Roni’s Weigh this morning. I think it applies to everything above. Part of going through this challenge is hopefully to help me start developing some confidence in myself.

“It all comes down to confidence: your body can do great things only if it believes it can accomplish them.”~ Georges St-Pierre

Love Your Body Challenge Day 2: Capable

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Where do these stories we tell ourselves come from? As I try to make sense of how I came to feel such disdain for my body I am reminded of how I was acutely aware from an early age that my body was different than other girls. I also decided that I wasn’t capable of being athletic presumably because of my bigger body.

I remember vividly standing in line in my elementary school gym waiting to hang from the pull up bar. It was part of the Presidential Physical Education Challenge. I was so nervous. Finally it was my turn. I grabbed the bar, held on for dear life and lasted probably less than 20 seconds. That part is a little hazy, but I remember even back in grade school accepting the fact that I simply was not athletic.

My Junior High school housed the swimming pool so we were expected to take swimming as part of gym class in 8th and 9th grade, quite possibly the pinnacle of awkward body image issues for prepubescent and pubescent teen aged girls. I feigned pink eye (spray Aqua Net near your eye or rub something near your eye), headaches and menstrual cramps to get out of the dreaded swim class. And when I didn’t have a physical ailment I could complain to the school nurse about I simply “forgot” my bathing suit. I mean really, are you freaking kidding me? You want an already self-conscious overweight teen to strip down in an open locker room amongst her female classmates, get into a bathing suit and then jump into a pool full of boys. Um no!

The only penalty for not attending swim class was to stay after school one day a week and make it up. The make up class was simply swimming laps. I was a strong swimmer and that was a piece of cake, plus I was usually one of the only people there while the swim team practiced in the other half of the pool. The best part was the gym teacher didn’t care if I wore a shirt over my bathing suit after school, but during school we could not. So I would swim my laps effortlessly and still received credit for gym class. On two occasions I was approached by the swim coach to try out for the team. I never did and I kick myself now thinking back. Not only would I have made friends, I probably would have lost some weight naturally from the increase in exercise. I also may have realized my athletic abilities a lot earlier.

I was a dancer and took dancing lessons well into my teen years. However, I didn’t equate dancing with being athletic. I loved dancing, but shied away from ballet which I considered to be for petite slender girls not big clunky girls as I thought of myself. I took jazz and tap instead. I loved dancing, but never felt graceful and elegant as I dreamed I should.

And the list goes on. In my head I’ve always been the “big” girl and therefore I was not meant to be athletic. By college the only physical activity I did was to walk to and from class. During serious attempts at weight loss walking was my go to exercise and I could walk for very long periods of time at a good clip. It was just walking, though, I told myself.

Ironically each year on the third Monday in April I would tune into coverage of the Boston Marathon, reduced to tears as the winners and those to follow crossed the finish line. Never once during those broadcasts did I consider running myself.

As part of the Love Your Body challenge today’s mantra is: ”I am capable of _________, and that’s awesome. In fact, I am capable of anything I set my mind to, that I am willing to work for. “

My mantra would be: I am capable of being an athlete, and that’s awesome…

Today’s action step is a choice between:

1. Engage in the activity that you talked about in your mantra if possible, and if it makes you smile. Remember to repeat the mantra while you are doing it.

2. Think about something that you’ve been wanting to do/learn/practice/master for a long time, and set yourself a reasonable time limit to achieve it. Reasonable is the key word here. Keep repeating the mantra to remind yourself that you can do anything that you set your mind to as long as you’ll work for it.

I’ve done both. This morning I attended my usual Vinyasa yoga class, but there was a substitute instructor who had a totally different style than my instructor. I was challenged from beginning to end. Of course I also went for a run today, but not just any old training run. I’m running with a friend as she prepares for her first 5K. She is doing an incredible job training. She is super motivated. She is losing weight naturally and healthily. She is also loving running and pushing herself to go a little further each time. We ran almost 4 miles this morning on a rather hilly route. She didn’t back down once. I’m so excited for her and thrilled to be a part of her training. We will run a 5K at the end of April and she is already talking about doing my favorite 10K this summer.

As for the second option above I have hinted around the blog that I’ve been thinking a lot about running an ultra marathon. I did the Fat Ass 50K back in December and although that is technically an ultra it was a torturous 10 redundant loops through and around a paved park. I would really like to experience a 50 mile ultra marathon on trail. I’ve come along way from the “big” girl who wasn’t meant to be athletic. I’m truly in awe of what my body has accomplished in the last 5 years. It’s time to see what else it’s capable of accomplishing. So on my 13th wedding anniversary I will be running the Vermont 50! In preparation for the 50 mile race I will be running the Vermont City Marathon on May 25th, ironically, the same day registration opens for the Vermont 50. Training started about a month ago. I’m happily settling into a routine with a very new style of training plan. I have a few other races planned and a goal or two I hope to accomplish along the way.

I’m not sure how my story started, but I’m so glad that I decided to change how it ends.

40th Annual Jones Group 10 Miler

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“From here on in I will no longer sell myself short with negative self-talk. I will not underestimate my abilities. I will continue to train hard some days, run for fun other days and always trust in my progress.” 

This is a quote from the end of my post last year on this exact same race. I ran the Jones 10 Miler again this year on Sunday, 2/23 and had a completely different experience than last year. This race figured in nicely with my marathon training so I registered for it a few weeks ago. Suffice it to say had I taken the advice I wrote in last year’s post I may not have tormented myself on race day.

I started this blog to talk about running and inevitably it has at times been a place where I discuss weight loss, body image and my longtime struggle with both of these issues. Oh how I wish I could say the struggle is over, done with! I wish I could write right now that I’m in love with my body, I feel amazing, and when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful person.

Getting dressed for the race, I felt heavy, my legs seemed infinitely larger and I was immediately uncomfortable in my body. My running pants are all basically the same so instead I tried on numerous tops trying to “feel” smaller or look lighter. Eventually I gave up, threw on something comfortable that I’m used to running in and headed out the door.

I stood at the starting line that morning feeling a myriad of things, namely fat, lonely and pessimistic about the race. There were numerous running clubs around me. Everyone’s shirt seemed to match someone else’s shirt. It was honestly the first time I felt really alone at a race. I have always run alone, but I think more and more I am beginning to wonder what it would be like to run with others, to have a sense of camaraderie and the support of a group of like-minded people.

I resigned myself early on to running the 10 miles without worrying about time. I was fairly confident that I could run at least the same pace I ran last year if not slightly better, but I grew angry at myself because I didn’t feel that I could run it as comfortably thanks to the few pounds that I have put back on. I berated myself silently for smearing too much peanut butter on my traditional pre- long run banana suddenly feeling it deep in my stomach. As I obsessed about this minutiae the horn sounded and we were starting to run.

If you read my post from last year you will read about the challenging course. It was altered slightly this year, but really only the starting and finishing points. The race in between was the same uphill battle it has been for many years. At least the weather cooperated. Despite a chance of rain the course stayed dry and overcast with temps in the high 30s/low 40s. It was perfect running weather.

The hills came and went. I pushed myself up each one. They were difficult, but they were just hills. I run hills all the time. Sure I thought about how much easier they would be with less weight, but I pushed on. My mind worked much harder than my legs during this race. I vacillated between negative self-talk to making plans of action. My lips quivered at times as I brushed back tears from my eyes.

As I neared the 5 mile mark I could see the time clock up ahead. After a little mental math I realized I was running on par with my recent training paces. I was poised to come in slightly ahead of last year’s time. This put a little spring in my step and lifted some of the heaviness off of my shoulders. My internal talk shifted to a more understanding, more empathetic conversation, but deep down I could not shake the negativity. I plodded along totally alone for most of the race

I finished the race with little fanfare. I literally crossed the finish line and continued jogging to my car. Carlos had soccer practice and skating practice so Orlando took him while I ran. This is not a big spectator race so there were few people at the finish line. My official time was 1:34:55 almost a minute off last year’s time of 1:35:54.

Ironically as I revisited my post from last year I also looked back where I used to track my weight and noticed that I was actually almost exactly the same weight a year ago. Weight loss is only one piece of this puzzle. Self-acceptance is another.

This was a tough post to write because it is a departure from my typical upbeat, excited race recaps. In many ways this race was a turning point for me and revisiting last year’s post was eye opening. I have some big spring running plans including another marathon. I have some lofty running goals this year. I’m working hard to shed those extra pounds and lose the last 10-15 pounds.

As I mentioned yesterday I’m also taking part in the Love Your Body Challenge by Molly Galbraith. Day 1 (check out the post if you have time. It shares the stories of real women coming to terms with their bodies.) is today for me. The Action Step for the day called for doing something nice for yourself while repeating the mantra: ”My body is my home. It’s the ONLY place I have to live.  I will treat it with the care and respect it deserves.” 

I did a little root touch up on my hair to tide me over until my salon appointment and I applied a banana coconut deep conditioning hair masque after the color. I love when my hair feels soft and the gray is hidden. As for the mantra, well I like the sentiment, but I forgot to repeat it over and over. I remember hearing something similar years ago from Madonna when she was getting into Kabbalah, yoga and other spiritual practices, but it struck a chord then though I couldn’t quite seem to put it into practice. It’s so true though. Our body is our temple. Why then do I mistreat such a sacred place, my sacred place?

Love Your Body Challenge: Self-Acceptance

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I’m beginning to rebound from months of battling to maintain my weight, dealing with binge eating episodes and really unhealthy negative self-talk. I’ve fought through it by reading, researching, trying new things, even bringing back old coping skills while continuing to journal my food and exercise. Even in my darkest moments I knew I would eventually come out on the other end better for it.

Despite losing over 70 pounds since 2007 and maintaining that loss for over a year I still have a very skewed image of what I look like. My goal is to one day celebrate my healthy body and really love the person I’ve become. I want to talk to myself the same way I praise and compliment my beautiful friends. As I work towards this I’m going to participate in the Molly Gailbraith’s 28 Day Love Your Body Challenge.

photo (32)

The Pre-Challenge activity was to answer the following questions and tally up the score.

1. How do you feel when you think about how your body looks?
(1 = absolutely terrible, 10 = freaking awesome)

3 – I still feel like I have so much work to do especially on the lower half of my body. I get so frustrated when I see my legs in the mirror. I also hate buying pants. Nothing ever fits properly because of my shape.

2. How often do you think about things you’d like to change on your body?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

3 – It is near constant, but there are rare times when I don’t think about it. Every time I get dressed I think about how I would like to have smaller legs and a smaller butt. I struggle to appreciate how far I’ve come.

3. How often do you look in the mirror and think, “I look really awesome!”
(1 = never, 10 = always)

1 – This is sad right? I just feel so awkward in the clothing I wear. I have no sense of style. I know that part of accepting my body is learning how to dress properly in clothing that actually fits me.

4. How confident do you feel when you’re in a swimsuit?
(1 = not confident at all, 10 = extremely confident)

In a tankini – 4
From the waist up in any bathing suit – 8
In a regular bathing suit 1 piece bathing suit – 1 (I’ll use this answer in the tally.)

5. How confident do you feel about your body during intimate moments?
(1 = not confident at all, 10 = extremely confident)

8 – I’ve got a wonderful relationship with my husband. He’s never made me feel badly about my body. He’s always loved me but he certainly appreciates the changes.

6. How often do you catch yourself saying/thinking negative things about your body?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

3 – I’m so hard on myself. If I happen to be retaining water for some reason and it makes me feel fat I begin to think really negative thoughts about my body. The negative thoughts are also prominent whenever I’m around certain people like my much thinner sister.

7. How often do you catch yourself saying negative things about your body to other people?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

10 – I used to make negative comments about my body, but since I had Carlos I have stopped doing that. I vowed to never make my weight issues a burden on my child. He shouldn’t hear me speak negatively about myself because that might make him feel badly or it might make him think he can speak the same way about me or others.

8. How well do you receive compliments from others?
(1 = not well, 10 = really well)

7 – In line with my answer for #7, I’ve learned since Carlos was born to just say thank you when someone compliments me whereas before I would negate the compliment with some kind of snarky remark. I assumed compliments were just a person’s way to make me feel better, but not necessarily genuine. I don’t think that way anymore.

9. How often do you have feelings of shame in regards to your body?
(1 = constantly, 10 = never)

3 – I’m ashamed to admit this actually. The shame I feel with every binge is so intense I can barely look at myself. I feel shame that I haven’t been more successful in losing the last 10-15 pounds. Weighing myself and seeing the scale at a stand still or up a little bit immediately causes me to look shamefully at my body.

10. If I told you that you could drastically change your perception of your body in 28 days, would you believe me?
(1 = absolutely not, 10 = no doubt about it)

2 – I’ll believe it when I see it! I’m open minded  thought.

Total = 41

Running Questions

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I just returned from a wonderful vacation in Arizona with my family. We traveled to the Scottsdale area for my cousin’s wedding. I plan to write a post or two about our trip. It was my first visit to the southwest and I was blown away. I loved it!

On the plane rides I was able to catch up on blog reading. Carina answered these running questions recently and I thought I would do the same. I am still running despite the miserable winter weather. I actually have a 10 mile race today and some big plans for the year.

1. Would you rather…run with one of your ancestors or your role models?

I would love to run with my great grandfather on my mother’s side. I don’t think he was ever a runner, but I would love to know more about him. He came to this country from Italy as a young man. He was a very kind and gentle man from what I remember. My memories are distant, but I remember going to his house, a three family home he shared with my grandmother and great uncle. He had a big blooming cherry tree in the backyard. I know he was a hardworking immigrant who prided himself on being able to speak English. It would be interesting to hear his thoughts on immigration and stories of his journey by boat to the United States.

2. Would you rather…run a race that is a few hours drive but in a beautiful location or in your city with a short drive?

I love traveling to new, beautiful locations for races. I don’t care to repeat races particularly in my area. Running races has become an opportunity to travel for me and my family.

3. Would you rather…take an ice bath for a half hour or foam roll for a half hour?

I have to be honest, I’ve never taken an ice bath. I do foam roll, not for a half hour, but I would if I had the time.

4. Would you rather…have a black toe nail pulled off or have your entire back chaffed from running and be forced to shower for a hour straight?

The toenail definitely. I chafed under my armpits the other day and it is painful both in and out of the shower. Once the toenail is black it’s dead, gross but dead. I’ve had a couple of black toenails. It really irritates me that doing something good for your body has some really foul side effects. It’s just wrong!

5. Would you rather…spend an extra $100 a month given to you on running/fitness or save it?

I would save it. I’m a saver. However, I suppose I would probably break even given what I spend on races for the year for me, Carlos and Orlando.

6. Would you rather…be known for running the fastest marathon or running the longest distance at one time?

I agree with Carina on this one that I’d rather be known for setting a world record for the fastest marathon. There’s money in that accomplishment!

Though I’m sure running the longest distance comes with it’s own unique notoriety in distance running circles. I’ve grown very curious about running ultra distances.

7. Would you rather…have your medal handed to you by Kara Goucher or Shalane Flanagan?

Oh goodness they are both amazing. I really have no personal bias here. They are friends and training partners. If you are interested you can read about them here.

8. Would you rather…lick someone else’s armpit after a marathon, or lick their foot after a marathon?

This is just nasty. I would choose the armpit if it were a nicely shaved pit with a thick layer of deodorant then maybe I’d only be licking deodorant which is gross too, but a little less gross than armpit. Otherwise I’d go with the foot. Yuck either way!

And now a question for anyone who reads this. Would you rather live in Massachusetts or Arizona?

Hot Cocoa

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The Hot Chocolate 5K is run each year in early December in Northampton, MA. It is a very popular local race that supports the Safe Passage nonprofit organization assisting those affected by domestic violence. It’s a tremendously giving organization that provides a valuable community service.

I first ran this race in 2010 with Orlando. It’s a large race with a few thousand runners. At the end, instead of a medal, you receive a commemorative mug and complimentary hot cocoa.

After the Montreal Marathon, Carlos melted my heart by asking me if we could run a race for his birthday. I knew the Hot Chocolate 5K would be the perfect race since it falls just before his birthday. Carlos and I began “training” in November. He was very enthusiastic about it. I let him guide the training runs so he wouldn’t feel pressured or bored. We still go out for short runs together. It makes me smile when he asks if we can do a mile.

At the beginning of fall I also began walking once a week with a friend. She said she was interested in running a 5K and was hoping to prepare for the Hot Chocolate 5K. However, she hadn’t run in a long time and also struggles with severe knee pain. We would typically walk at least a 5K distance, but the pain made running impossible. Since Mary didn’t seem to have discomfort with the walking I suggested speeding up the walk for short intervals. Unfortunately most of our walks turned into mini brain dumps and chat sessions for Mary.

As the 5K neared my friend expressed her concerns that she didn’t think she would be able to run the race. I assured her that we could walk it. On race day Mary was combatting an upper respiratory infection. I suggested that her daughter and Carlos run with Orlando and I would stay with her.

The race began and we started in the back. I encouraged her to jog through the starting chute to try to harness the excitement and gain momentum. She did and then quickly slowed to a walk exclaiming that it was uncomfortable. I told her I would take my cues from her, when she wanted to run we would run and when she wanted to walk we would walk. She kept telling me to go forward, but I assured her I was staying by her side.

I could tell her mood was sinking. She grew frustrated and embarrassed as more runners and walkers passed us. Before long we were dead last. My pep talks were unhelpful. Every time we set off to run Mary struggled with breathing and knee pain. I told her to just walk and chat like we were on one of our weekly walks but she was so discouraged. I felt terrible for her.

There was only one other participant in sight and we finally caught up to her. We didn’t see another runner anywhere and suddenly we crested a hill and saw the race perpendicular in front of us! Uh oh we had gotten off the course and now were faced with a dilemma. Mary was on the verge of giving up. The girl who was now walking with us shrugged her shoulders and said “ah what the heck, let’s just jump in.” We followed her and merged into the mass of racers heading down the final hill toward the finish line.

My heart sank in my chest. I tried to be a good sport. I told Mary it would be our secret. However, it killed me to “cheat” (Catholic guilt!). I knew Mary just wanted to be done with the race, and she was really worried about her daughter seeing her come in last or close to it.

Carlos, Orlando and Mary’s daughter were there when we crossed the finish line. They were none the wiser. I was so proud of Mary for making it as far as she did, but I know her spirit was crushed.

Carlos was so excited when he saw me. He told me he ran the entire race. He was beaming from ear to ear. I was sad I didn’t see him cross the finish line, but I was so proud of him. Turns out Carlos ran his first official 5K in 32:16!

I hope Mary is one day able to run another 5K. I think it is important for her to return to that goal and see it through to a triumphant finish. I have told her that I’m here if she wants to try training again. I would be honored to cross that finish line with her.

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Monson Half Marathon Recap Finally

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In the fall of 2011 I fell down the stairs in my house and broke a rib. I just re-read the post I wrote about it and I said that the doctor gave me order not to run for one week. I’m pretty sure I was delusional when I wrote that because I am certain he said 6-8 weeks. I was in the midst of training for my first marathon at the time so I’m sure there was no way I wanted to believe that I couldn’t run for that long. As it turned out, thanks to lots of rest, a mix of homeopathic remedies and Ibuprofen I was comfortably back in action after about 3 weeks. One of my first double digit runs after the injury was the Monson Memorial Classic half marathon. The idea was to enjoy a change of scenery and have fun with the long run. I was not looking for a PR or any special time. To date it remains my slowest half marathon. I finished in 2:22:57 (10:55 pace).

This fall in my attempt to complete at least one race a month I needed to find a race for November. The Monson Memorial Classic was once again a last minute decision. It was held on November 10, 2013 and again fell on a day that I worked the night before. I coordinated with my friend who lives on the race route and since she was going to be home Carlos could hang out at her house and play with her son who is the same age.

Quick side story… My friend who lives in Monson is my best friend from childhood. We grew up across the street from each other. She is a couple of years older than me, but we have maintained a close friendship since we were kids. We used to talk about moving to California, going to college there and then we planned to have children around the same time so they could be friends too! However, she got married when she was 25 and had three boys before I even got married so we never imagined we would have children the same age. I love her kids. They are awesome boys and I  have always thoroughly enjoyed spending time with them. I called Missy the day after I discovered I was pregnant to tell her. Of course she was thrilled for me. She called me the next day to let me know she was also pregnant, but didn’t want to tell me the day before because she didn’t want to steal my thunder. I was so excited to know we were going to have children at the same time. Sadly she miscarried a month later. Fate works in mysterious ways though and she became pregnant again months later. Her 4th boy arrived 3 and a half months after Carlos was born. When those boys get together they are best buds and have so much fun together just as their moms did.

Monson Memorial Classic, pre-race photo with my Bug

Monson Memorial Classic, pre-race photo with my Bug

OK back to the race. So with little fanfare my friend dropped me off at the starting area of the race so I could register at the last minute. I hung out by myself feeling a little self-conscious and rather indifferent about running a half marathon. At that point I was tentatively training for the 50K race I did in December. I had actually run 5 miles right after work that same morning. I remember feeling great during that run. I just looked back at Map My Run for the workout and I ran 5.05 miles in 47:28 which is a great pace for me. So the half marathon was really meant to make up the rest of an 18 mile run I had on my training plan.

The weather was cool and a bit overcast, but perfect for running. The race started with little fanfare and we were off. This race is notorious for its hills. You climb slowly here and there for much of the first 8 miles. It’s a challenging course with few spectators and not a great deal of scenery to enjoy. I fell into a comfortable pace, my breathing was calm and I actually felt great once I got going. Then it began to rain rather unexpectedly. It wasn’t heavy rain and it did little to disturb my groove.

I’m not sure I can explain what happened during this race, but I was on fire. My legs felt amazing. My pace was steady. I powered up every single hill without backing down. I had absolutely no idea what my time was at all throughout the race. The last couple of miles were brutal as the rain picked up and the temperature grew colder. Although there is a nice downhill stretch towards the end there is also another big hill to contend with.

As I was entering the home stretch in the last mile a woman passed me pushing a wheelchair. I read her shirt and knew immediately she was a member of Team Hoyt. Team Hoyt is the organization inspired by the father and son team of Dick and Rick Hoyt. Dick Hoyt has pushed his son Rick, who is in a wheelchair, in over 1000 races including the Boston Marathon multiple times. This woman was pushing a little girl who was older and larger than Carlos. My eyes welled up with tears and I felt a surge of energy as I saw the finish line ahead. I had no desire to “beat” this woman, but suddenly I needed to finish my race strong. If she could run 13 miles pushing this beautiful child then surely I could keep up my momentum all the way to the finish.

I didn’t even see the time as I crossed. I kept my eye on the woman and the little girl. As I cleared the finish chute I went to her and with tears in my eyes I congratulated her and the girl. It was her daughter she said as her eyes also filled with tears. We spoke briefly and she told me that she runs with Team Hoyt to raise money and awareness for others with disabilities. She was around my age and told me that only a couple of years prior she was overweight and inactive. I was in awe of how fit she was now. She had to turn her attention to someone greeting her, but her husband immediately introduced himself. He was beaming with pride and said that both he and his wife had undergone a huge transformation over the past year. I am constantly inspired when I run races, but this was an exceptionally moving encounter.

It was hours before I would learn my time. Honestly it wasn’t a focal point of this race as it had been with other races last year. For me it was just my “November” race. Well it also turned out to be my 2013 half marathon PR. Prior to this race my official half marathon PR of 2:03:52 was achieved at the Plattsburgh Half Marathon in April (I just re-read my race recap of that race and I now have tears running down my face #iamagoof!). My new half marathon PR set at the 2013 Monson Memorial Classic Half Marathon is 2:02:22!!

Funny story about the race results. When I finally got the email announcing they were online I checked them out right away. I was nowhere to be found. However, I knew the woman’s name from Team Hoyt and there was a mysterious “Unknown” a few people below her time with a time of 2:02:22 which I suspected might be me. The age was correct, but the Unknown was a male. I sent an email through the race website and politely explained that I thought it might me my time. Although I felt kind of silly, I asked if there was any way to determine whose time it was because if it was my time it was a hard earned PR for me. I also asked if it was my time could they please change the sex to female. I know it’s silly, but for some reason I get a charge out of pulling up the growing list of my race results on Athlinks and I wanted this race to get listed there as well. I was contacted by a very understanding race director confirming that it was indeed my time.

What a year in running for me!! Truly incredible! If you had told me a few years ago that this running thing would become such a huge part of my life I would have rolled my eyes and snidely told you “I don’t think so.” Running isn’t everyone’s thing and that’s really ok, but get out there and move even if it’s only a little bit. The more you move, I guarantee you, the more amazing you will feel.

Pick Me Up

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I’ve been a real bummer lately both here on the blog and in life in general. Thanks for bearing with me. Well I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I said what I had to say, and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I not only released my thoughts here, but to my husband as well. I stewed about things for a few days, but then the cloud lifted and there was only one way to go. I quickly jumped into forward motion. I broke out the juicer and made a nice refreshing green juice. I got my Vitamix all in a tizzy making my green smoothies. I chopped up all the veggies I could find, threw them in a pot and made a hearty vegetable soup for the week. I also washed and tore up a few heads of kale for easy salads. I sliced up a pineapple and made a pot of brown rice. During a lull last night at work I put a tentative workout plan on the calendar. Sure I’ve got some issues with food. They have been with me for a very long time. However, I am actively working on them. I refuse to undo all of the progress I have made over the last few years. I’m determined to overcome this. 

To push even further past the depressing tone of my blog I thought I might throw in a little random Q&A. I saw this on Carina’s blog today from Kenlie’s Friend Makin’ Monday series.

Quick and Easy Questions

1. What time did you go to bed last night?  I went to bed around 8pm and got up at 10pm for work. Last night was my first night back to work after an uneventful yet unplanned four nights off. Somehow I managed to get my co-worker to switch a night with me last week so that I could finagle the four nights off. It was a welcome treat for myself and my family.

2. What is the last thing that made you smile?  Last night before work I went in to kiss Carlos goodbye and his face was turned toward the doorway so I could see it in the dim light that streamed through. He looked so peaceful and content, and it made me smile. I just stood there for a few minutes watching him sleep, so precious! These moments are fleeting and I know they must be savored. Oh crap now I’m starting to tear up. Next… 

3. What is the last movie you watched?  The last movie I saw in the theater was Catching Fire from the Hunger Games series. As I was proofreading this post I realized that my answer should really be Disney’s Frozen which recently won a Golden Globe for best animated feature film. I saw it with Carlos and a group of friends. I can’t lie, I’m not a big fan of animation. However, this was very entertaining.

4. What did you have for breakfast today? I had a smoothie with frozen wild blueberries, a few pieces of banana, almond milk, Vega Vanilla Chai, cinnamon and at the last minute I threw in a teaspoon of spirulina. Good lord why do I torture myself with that pungent algae powder? I tell myself if I can just manage to get it in the smoothie without smelling it I won’t even notice it. Lies, it’s all lies. I smell it every time and it kind of (but not entirely) ruins the deliciousness of my smoothie.

5. Would you rather mop all of your floors or do laundry?  Laundry, hands down. I hate mopping the floor. 

6. Do you drink coffee? Yes, I do drink coffee at work usually. I go through phases when I drink more than one cup a night and then sometimes I don’t drink any for a few nights. 

7. Will you watch the Superbowl?  Like salt on a wound people! The sores have yet to heal and you’re already talking Superbowl?! I’m a New England girl! Just kidding. I actually didn’t even watch last night’s sorry excuse of a game. Though I’m sure I will watch the Superbowl. 

8. How often do you shop for groceries?  I am fairly certain that I actually work part time at Stop & Shop only I never get a pay check. Seriously, it’s kind of embarrassing how often I’m at the grocery store. There’s just always something that I’ve forgotten for home or school or Orlando has eat all the bananas again or Carlos has a play date and I have no “normal” snacks.

9. What kind of workout will you do today? Carlos and I are going to run a mile shortly and I might throw in some foam rolling and a few yoga stretches. Since Carlos is home from school because of Martin Luther King Day it is essentially a rest day.

10. Do you use a fitness tracker? I don’t have anything that constantly tracks like a FitBit. I use MapMyRun to track my runs. I have a bulky Garmin Forerunner, but since I always run with my iPhone the MapMyRun app is easier for me to use. I also track on occasion at My Fitness Pal, my user name is mozaim if you want to find me. If you do follow me on MFP please know that I am very inconsistent. I track my food mostly on paper unless I’m really trying to get a handle on calories. Sometimes I jump back and forth between the two depending on what is more readily accessible. 

Have a wonderful Monday! 

Sworn In

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Fifteen years ago yesterday I was sworn in as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Mozambique. Wow time sure flies! I still feel honored to have been a member of the very first group of volunteers ever to serve in the Peace Corps in Mozambique. We were affectionately referred to by the American staff as “the weed pullers.” We certainly had our jobs cut out for us as no one really knew what we were there to do! I am proud to say we paved the way for a successful Peace Corps program that is now in its 15th year and has grown to include two groups of Peace Corps Volunteers each year serving in the areas of education, teacher training and public health.

I have been thinking a lot about that day since I was reminded of the anniversary yesterday by a Peace Corps colleague/friend on Facebook. I remember parts of it so vividly like the tan tank dress I wore, the sweltering heat, and the large group of Mozambicans who were there to witness our ceremony. Throughout our pre-service training we lived as a group at a teacher training college in suburban Matola on the outskirts of the Mozambican capitol Maputo. Typically Peace Corps Volunteers are housed with host families during the pre-service training, but as our program was new there were some logistical challenges in securing host families. So our small group of 23 volunteers lived in dormitory conditions with a central cafeteria and shared bathrooms. Needless to say the close living quarters helped us to get to know each other fairly quickly.

At times the three months of training seemed to drag on. We were anxious and excited to get to our permanent sites. However, as our swearing in ceremony neared I am sure I wasn’t alone in feeling twinges of nervousness for the changes ahead.

Our swearing in ceremony was big news and was even televised in Mozambique. The Peace Corps Director at that time, Mark Gearan, was visiting Mozambique and attended our ceremony. We each wore a sash fashioned out of traditional Mozambican capulanas, sarong-like wraps worn by the women. The sashes named the province where we would be serving as volunteers.

My soon-to-be site mate was chosen to give a speech in Portuguese at the ceremony. I do not consider myself a With my lack of confidence I’ve never been a fan of public speaking, so I was happy that she would be addressing the large audience. Except moments before we were set to take our seats my friend got a bout of cold feet. I have not thought about this since it happened, but today it reminds me that despite having very low confidence in myself I have often risen to challenges that take me clear out of my comfort zone. With little time to think I agreed to take my friend’s place and read the speech.

I can still remember how shaky I felt as I approached the podium. My voice quivered initially, but I settled into reading the words on the paper, even looked out at the audience a few times, and got through it the best I could. I have no doubt my friend would have done a much better job, but I was proud of myself for getting up there!

At the close of the ceremony we raised our right hands and recited the oath that would create a unique bond between this group of 23 people who three months earlier had all just met for the first time. I am sad to say that as we parted ways and ventured to our permanent sites instead of embracing the friendships offered by my Peace Corps colleagues I pushed people away and turned others off with my snarky unpredictable moods. Despite integrating into my community, making friends, meeting my husband, losing some weight, quitting smoking, learning to enjoy vegetables, and being the happiest I had been in a very ling time I continued to keep the wall of contempt and bitterness up just enough to provide my signature first line of defense against anything I deemed to be a criticism or negative judgment against me. In essence I left Mozambique with the same defensive attitude I came in with.

My site mate posted a photo on Facebook yesterday which was actually taken two years later at our close of service. The photo caused me to instantly well up with tears.

I was drawn to one certain person in the photo immediately, ME! There I was leaning awkwardly on the outskirts of the photo which was a group shot of all of us as we prepared to finish our 2 year Peace Corps service. Everyone else in the photo is in close proximity of each other. In my attempt to “hide” myself and get lost on the edge of the photo I have actually done the opposite and drawn all attention to myself. I look out of place like a stranger and I appear uncomfortable. In fact I know that’s how I felt at the time. I was always self-conscious about my body and judging by the way I was standing I’m sure that moment was no different. I look at my fellow volunteers and see a closeness, a camaraderie and a genuine sense of kinship. Why after two years of such an amazing experience did I still feel so self-conscious, so out of place?

Peace Corps was life altering in so many ways. Some of those changes continue to manifest in me for the better. My wall has been almost entirely demolished. I like to think I’ve grown up a bit since those days. I’ve reconnected with most of my Peace Corps group on Facebook and some in person. I’m grateful to have a second chance. The reality is that most probably had no idea what I was internalizing and feeling. Eventually the experience I had in Mozambique, the people I met namely my site mate and my husband and the mistakes and missteps I made along the way have made me a better person.