I spent last weekend in Florida for my sister’s wedding. Before I go on I’ll share a little bit about the wedding. It was quite an event held at the elegant National Hotel on South Beach. The ceremony took place overlooking the pool with the a view of the ocean in the other direction. It was an extravagant affair paying homage to the art deco era of times past. My sister was a beautiful bride. I was the matron of honor and my son was the most dashing ring bearer. He also stole the show on the dance floor later that night.

My handsome little ring bearer

I was spoiled with warm sunny runs even as early as 6:30 in the morning. It felt so nice, but it was a tease. We returned home to more snow and it is coming down again. Winter is sucking the life out of me as well as the motivation to run, but I had to make a decision by today whether or not I was going to run the Vermont City Marathon at the end of May. I typically train for 16 weeks for a full marathon. It is what I have successfully done for 3 previous marathons. It gives me a little cushion of time and allows me to make the most of my long runs.

I have exactly 14 weeks to train this time. I have been running for the last few weeks consistently, but without a real training plan. I have been having a really difficult time committing to this race. I know I’m hesitant in part because of the Achilles injury. I feel fine, but I also don’t want to re-injure it. In all honesty, the real reason I have been holding back is because I’m slower now after the injury. I was so proud of my progress in my last full marathon in September 2013. That entire year was amazing. I set PRs at nearly every race. Now I feel like I’m starting all over again as a new runner.

I guess in a way I am starting over. I’m not the same runner I was before the injury. I’m having a very difficult time coming to terms with this. I feel like a failure in a way. Even when I push myself to run hard I’m not coming close to the pace I was capable of sustaining for long periods of time. This is frustrating.

After thinking about it intently I have decided to run Vermont City. I am craving the structure of a training plan. I want to run another marathon this year and after dropping out of Vermont City last year I want it to be the marathon I run. I need to deal with the fact that I don’t run the same. I have to refresh my mindset about why I run…I run because it makes me feel good; I run to clear my mind of all the clutter that builds up; I run for fresh air; I run because I love to run. I want to run for a long time and so if running safely, without injury means slowing down then I have to be ok with that. I’m working on being ok with it.

On Sunday, May 24th I will set a new PR at the Vermont City Marathon. It will be my post-Achilles injury marathon PR!! My clock has reset itself and from here on in I am looking ahead.

Today I ran my first official long run. I ran 8 miles before the snow started. It was a little cold to start and the roads were gross, full of slush. It is going to be a challenging training with this weather, but I’m excited to start and to work towards a successful, injury free marathon.

I used to think meditation meant sitting for long periods of time while miraculously holding nothing in your mind. It was almost painful to attempt and a minute seemed to last an hour. I’m almost a month into my morning meditation routine. At most I sit for 10 minutes, but some days it’s 5 or 6 minutes. I’ve discovered tons of guided meditations on You Tube.

Today I began the Do You Yoga 30 meditation challenge. It’s 30 days of short guided meditations that are emailed daily. If you’ve ever wanted to give meditation a try this might be a great place to start.

This is what I saw when I opened my eyes after my 10 minute meditation this morning.

I’m currently in South Beach for my sister’s wedding. It was a beautiful wedding.

This morning I also enjoyed a scenic 6 mile run along the coast.

This will all feel like a dream when I return home to the stark white reality that it’s still winter. That is if we make it home. I hear there’s another storm on its way. I suppose there are much worse places I could be stuck for a day.

I’m not a morning person! I have told myself that for years. I don’t sleep late. I’ve always gotten up before or with Carlos. I just don’t like getting up to get ready for work or for the day. This new job means a new routine. I knew how I wanted my mornings to be, but it’s been a lot of trial and error to find a routine that works well for me.

This week my mornings have been the most consistent. I have been up between 4:40 and 4:50 everyday. I start with a short 6-10 minute guided meditation. Oh meditation! I’m terrible at it, but it’s one of those things I really want to do consistently. I have found some helpful meditations online just by searching guided meditations. Deepak Chopra’s, Chopra Center, has some. Daniel Goleman’s meditations are short and easy to follow. Doing these meditations help me ease into the morning.

After meditation I have been doing 10-15 minutes of yoga. Usually I find something online either on you tube or just a google search. Or I just do a bunch of sun salutations. Yoga, like meditation, is something I’m not great at, but would love to improve. I love yoga and how it makes me feel.

Then I settle down with a mug of hot lemon water and I write. Sometimes it’s email, lately I’ve been writing for the blog or I just journal.

By 6:30 it’s time to start rolling. I make Carlos’ breakfast and lunch. I check work email, shower and get ready for the day if I have early visits. If not then I do some things around the house and settle down to work by 8.

I feel more peaceful throughout the day when my days begin slowly and quietly. I enjoy being up and having some time alone before Carlos and Orlando wake up. Carlos usually joins me while I’m writing. He is sitting on the sofa reading right now.

Once the weather warms up I may experiment with an even earlier wake up time so I can begin adding a morning run. I don’t enjoy running at an early hour on cold, dark winter mornings so I begin my work day a little early so I can go out midday.

The first 5 minutes of dragging myself out of bed before 5AM are difficult, but then I’m up and awake. I’m never disappointed when I begin my mornings this way. I’m calmer, more productive throughout the day and my mind feels a little clearer.

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” Marcus Aurelius

One of my running goals in 2014 was to run an ultra marathon, specifically the VT50 in September. As I stood in line with my family and friends at Ben & Jerry’s in Burlington, VT last Memorial Day Weekend my phone signaled that registration for the VT50 was opening in just minutes. I was in Burlington to spectate the Vermont City Marathon. Just 5 weeks earlier I was planning to run that race until I stopped 4 miles into my 22 mile long run with excruciating left heel/ankle pain. I didn’t know then that it was my Achilles and I was looking at a long road to recovery.

I was energized by watching the marathoners earlier in the day. I couldn’t wait to get back out there and train, and what better goal than an ultra marathon. I wanted to have something planned, something locked in. I had been to doctors and physical therapy, but still the pain persisted and I knew it had gotten worse as I stood in that line contemplating registering for a 50 mile ultra. I tried rationalizing it as soreness from PT. You know the “it’s got to get worse before it gets better” mentality. As I fought the urge to register I looked up and saw a group of people with their medals on and that did it. I logged into the registration site and registered for the VT50 in hopes that it would motivate me to heal more quickly.

Some injuries cannot be willed better and this was one of them as I would learn that painstaking lesson over the course of the next couple of months.  As the pain finally began to decrease I was left with a nagging awareness of the trauma my tendon had gone through. At no time was I ever allowed to simply rest my leg. Life continued around the injury and I had to walk to get places, work and stay active with Carlos. I started to resign myself to the fact that pushing my limits would only cause the injury to get worse.

When I finally started “running” again, if you could even call it that, I was only able to go for a few minutes. I wore an ankle support and often taped my ankle. By August I was barely up to 6 miles and the ultra marathon loomed in the distance. As the days wore on and my training was compromised by not only the injury, but Carlos’ activities, overtime at work and my husband’s busy work schedule. I was finding it very difficult to find time for long runs.

Mentally I was struggling. I had gained weight. I had reverted back to binge eating habits. I was frustrated by the injury and by how life seemed to revolve around work for both myself and my husband. Of course I always put Carlos first so I was juggling summer vacation plans with working 6,7 sometimes 8 nights in a row. I was undoubtedly sleep deprived. So throw that all into the melting pot and you’ve got one recipe for disaster.

Looking back I think I knew all along that I wasn’t going to be able to run the ultra, but I in my head I was hoping it would be the motivation I needed to start running again. At some time in the last week of August the VT50 race director sent out an email giving people the opportunity to drop out and collect half of their registration fee by the end of August. I knew it was time to concede. I felt defeated and a sense of failure, but I also knew that I wasn’t ready. Attempting to run such a rugged race with little training was foolish and an invitation to re-injuring myself. If I were advising a friend I would have told her not to run so I really needed to listen to my instincts as well as the rational part of my brain telling me to pull out of the race.

I cried. I moped. I am sure I ate some of those feelings. Then I moved on. I began focusing on training for the half marathon with my friend Kate. I also began reframing how I thought about and felt about running. I am not the same runner today that I was after Montreal in the fall of 2013. Sure I’m slower, but I’m also more cautious and more aware of my body. I stopped “training” and just focused on running for the love of running, going out without a goal or a plan, running as long and as far as I wanted to.

The injury has led me to some significant personal growth. I continue to work on being a better person and finding a way to live the most authentic life. I have been working on healing strained relationships, being kinder to myself and finding a healthy balance between food, exercise and spiritual well being. I’m in a better place today, but still a work in progress.

As for running, well I’m still figuring that out. I have been running almost every day despite the cold temperatures. My runs are either 2 or 3 miles because I am usually sneaking them into my work day. On Saturday I did go for a glorious 6 mile run. I don’t allow myself to focus on pace. I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about my pace, but it’s not something I’m focusing on. I’m still working through my feelings on how much I’ve slowed down, but I’m running again and enjoying it. That’s really all that matters.

Running goals for 2015? I love having running goals and I want them back in my life. I will run Vermont City this year and training begins February 1st. I will likely run the Jones 10 miler in Amherst at the end of February. I’ve run it for two years in a row. It’s a tough course, but rewarding. It will be double as a training long run. I am also signed up for the big Holyoke St. Patrick’s Day 10K in my area and I’ve offered to run with a friend who has never run it before. My thought is to use it as part of my long run that day. PRs are just not going to happen this year. Right now I’m  trying to accept the fact that I’ve changed as a runner therefore my goals need to change too if I want to enjoy this sport for years to come. I will run a half marathon in April as part of marathon training, but I’m not sure which one yet.

To sum it up, my running goals for the first half of 2015 are to:

• train injury free
• listen to my body
• run happy with no pressure about pace
• help others to achieve their running goals
• focus on distance
• stretch often, foam roll regularly and strength train
• eat healthy

I’m not sure I will attempt an ultra marathon in the future. I’m not ruling it out, but it’s unlikely that it will happen this year. As I’ve learned in running, never say never!

At the start of 2014 I set some goals for the year, one of which was to find a new job. I had no pressing need to change jobs. I enjoyed my job as a behavioral health RN on a locked psychiatric unit. The job was low stress and I had a great boss. I had been at the same hospital since I began my nursing career in July 2006 and worked on the psych unit since 2010.

Nursing is a great field because it affords you the opportunity to work in different areas of healthcare. Although I enjoyed my job there were a few red flags guiding me towards new employment:

1. There was no advancement in my position.
2. The hospital offers no retirement package so I spend a great deal of my own money funding a personal retirement package.
3. We haven’t received a raise in ages and the last one was very small.
4. Carlos is becoming busier in the evenings and staying up a little later.
5. I have worked the night shift for 8 years and my body began giving me signs that indicated a change in shifts might be best for my overall health and well being.

There are only two nurses on the night shift on the psych unit. So I work with either one depending on the night. They are two of the most negative people I have ever met in my life. Their negativity was sucking the life out of me. No matter how hard I tried to lead by example, my positivity and happiness was typically met with their own frustration and avoidance. Their negative attitudes not only affected me and my co-workers, but also the patients. The thought of continuing to work in such an environment started to really wear on me. They will both be there for a long time to come because the are afraid of change, but I knew that I could do something new.

In November I began a new job as a nurse case manager for a large insurance company. This is completely different from anything I’ve ever done in nursing. I work for the senior care options program so my members are 65 years or older. I adore working with the elderly. I visit my members in their homes 4 times a year and all of my paperwork is done from home. I have a great retirement package along with other benefits like paid time off and educational benefits which could lead to a free master’s degree. Tomorrow is a holiday and for the first time ever I will get paid for it without working!

My new boss is very much like my boss at the hospital. I absolutely love her. She is kind, fair and very supportive. I work with a really great team of nurses. Everyone wants me to succeed. They encourage me to ask questions (and I’ve got about a million!) and they are always more than happy to spend the time answering my questions.

Since they gave me a very short orientation due to staffing issues I still feel like a fish out of water, but I’m learning quickly. I am probably working a lot more than 40 hours right now in order to get organized. I know that once I have a system down and I get to know my members I will really enjoy the flexibility this position has to offer.

I left the hospital on excellent terms and I know I would be welcomed back in a heartbeat. Change is frightening, but it can also be so rewarding. Although I threw out the goal at the beginning of the year I honestly wasn’t sure I would go through with it. I see so many burned out nurses like the two I work with and I wish they would have enough respect for the patients and their coworkers to try something new. I wasn’t burned out, but I also didn’t deserve the working environment those nurses created.

Every decision I make is with Carlos in the forefront. The major selling point of this job is that it offers great flexibility for parents. All the nurses with kids assure me that I will absolutely love it once I get the hang of it. My family has been very supportive, but we are all still navigating the changes in our schedules. My son didn’t have school on Friday so my husband, who is laid off right now (he’s a mason, happens every year) took the reigns and supervised an all day play date. I was home for much of the day, but working in my office. Hearing my son and his friend giggling downstairs really tugged at my heart strings. The boys had a really fun day, but it bothered me that I wasn’t involved. It helps knowing that in time I will have the flexibility to be more involved again, but for now I will be patient.

The truth is I already like my new job. I have never once looked back in regret. There is never a perfect time for change so sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and take a leap of faith!

Happy New Year!! I’ve got just about an hour to get this post up before the first day of 2015 is officially over. No resolutions for me just a new outlook on life that’s a long time coming. I spent the better part of 2014 trying to “figure it all out.” I’m really not any closer to figuring anything out except that if I’m ever going to get out of this rut I’ve been in since the fall of 2013 then I need to do everything differently. What I’ve been doing hasn’t been working so it’s time for an overhaul.

January 1st always feels like a clean slate. Though my transformation started some days ago. I’m running again, almost every day, but I’m not training for anything specific at the moment. I’m not worried about pace or even distance. I’m just running when I want to and for as long as I want to. I’m eating a healthy diet free of processed foods and sugar and caffeine. I journal daily, but just what I’m eating, not how much or how many calories. I’m eating fruit and vegetables with a little bit of whole grains and beans thrown in. I’m trying to listen to my body and eat when I’m hungry, but I’m also not obsessing about my next bite. I do yoga daily now though some days, well actually most days it might only be a few sun salutations or a warrior or two. I love yoga, but I can’t commit to classes right now. That’s not an excuse not to do it. I try to start my day with a little bit of yoga and a brief meditation.

2014 brought a great deal of change to my life, most notably my job. In November I accepted a full time position as a nurse case manager with a large insurance company. I work during the day now and when I’m not out in the community visiting my patients I actually work from home. Right now as I’m learning the ropes it feels like I’m being punished by all the work I have to do, but I’m told by my colleagues that once I get the hang of it and devise my own system I will absolutely love the freedom and flexibility the job allows. I can’t wait!

Although I’m not a resolution maker I do like to set intentions at the beginning of the year. One of my intentions is to once again crawl out of my comfort zone and seek out more experiences in the world of health and wellness. I like the work I do, but my passion lies in motivating others to improve their lives through healthy lifestyles. At the end of March I will be traveling to Marshall, Texas to attend the town’s Healthfest 2015. The Get Healthy Marshall movement was started by mayor Ed Smith and his wife Amanda in 2010 to encourage the citizens of Marshall to transform their lives by eating a plant based diet and exercising. I’ve followed a number of the speakers through blogs or podcasts and I’m really excited to take part in an event that promotes many of the same values I’m interested in improving in myself.

I hope 2015 slows down a bit, but I’m also looking forward to getting moving in more ways than one. My word of the year is transform. Transformation of my mind, body and soul. I hope to emerge from 2015 feeling amazing inside and out.

When I logged into wordpress tonight I saw this post from Mike on Running Around the Bend and I thought what a perfect way to sum up my year of running. The original idea for the post came from a challenge hosted by Amanda at Miss Zippy, a new to me blog, but one that I’m very interested in exploring further.

My Year of Running 2014

I ended 2013 on a high with a handful of PRs. I entered 2014 with a couple of very lofty goals: run a sub-2 hour half marathon and complete an ultra-marathon. I did one, but not the other. The winter was brutal here in New England, but I braved the frigid temperatures and trained for the Vermont City Marathon. I’ve had more downs than ups this year, and as a result I will enter 2015 a very different runner.

Best race experience? My personal best race experience of 2014 was the Harvard Pilgrim Half Marathon on 4/6/14. With a time of 1:58:30,I accomplished my sub-2 hour half marathon goal on the first try! Running a sub-2 hour half seemed like an untouchable goal for me for so long. As I ended 2013 after a year of getting increasingly faster I knew the goal was within reach, but I expected it to take me all year to accomplish. This race will stand out as the pinnacle of my running accomplishments for 2014 because it was mostly all downhill from there.

Perhaps my favorite face of 2014 and maybe of all time, was the Baystate Half Marathon. It was my second and last half marathon of 2014. I ran it on 10/19/14 with my friend, Kate. It was her first half marathon. We trained together and ran it together, side by side. I can’t explain the feeling of pride I felt when we crossed that finish line. She did such an amazing job and it was awesome to share that moment with her.

Best Run

Running a 3 hour training run with Kate. It was actually meant to be our two and a half hour run, but we had to detour and it added time onto our run so we kept going for another 12 or so minutes to reach our long run goal of 3 hours. It was a challenging run with lots of rolling hills, narrow street with no sidewalks and significant traffic and cold rainy weather, but we did it! It was a solid training run and I knew without a doubt after that run that Kate was going to accomplish her time goal at the Baystate Half Marathon.

My own additions to this category:

Worst Run

14 mile marathon training run in 8 degree weather on the ridiculously hilly streets in my town. It was so cold my ponytail froze. I couldn’t feel my face, hands or feet for hours.

Most Painful Run

On 4/24/14, I set out for what was to be one of my last long training runs before the Memorial Day weekend Vermont City Marathon. I dropped Carlos off at my sister’s near Boston and I began a 22 mile run along a new to me bike trail. My left foot didn’t feel quite right, but I went anyway.* I had been looking forward to running along a new to me running route on such a gorgeous day. About 4 miles into the run I stopped in pain. I knew at that moment the run was over. I, stubbornly, hobbled the 4 miles back to my sister’s condo crying most of the way. And just like that I was done. It would be literally months before I would run again. I found out later that I had severely injured my Achilles, no tear though. This run changed everything for me. It is this run that has made me a different runner today.

Happiest Run

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but the first pain free hour long run after my Achilles injury was a very happy moment. I remember running at the reservoir on a beautiful sunny day. I didn’t wear my Garmin or use Map My Run. I just ran with a great big smile on my face.

Most Spectacular Run

I set out for an early morning run in Sydney and naturally made my way down to the harbor. It was beautiful and quiet at this time of day.

Overlooking the Rocks section of Sydney at dawn.

A view from the Sydney Harbor bridge as I began my run over it.

The Sydney Harbor Bridge

Traffic on the Sydney Harbor Bridge

As I made my way back over the bridge the sun began to rise and I was in awe of the Opera House from this vantage point.

Sydney Harbor is a bustling place all day long and it’s activity starts early in the morning. 

OK back to the original questions.

Best new piece of gear

I didn’t really indulge in new running gear this year, but two things stand out:

1. New Balance W1010 Minimus Running Shoe – I haven’t run more than 10 minutes in them, but I am excited to learn how to run in a minimal shoe. I like the feel of them. I have dreams of trail running in these shoes.
2. Sparkly Chicabands – I’ve tried so many headbands to keep my hair out of my face while running. Every single one prior to the Chicabands has found its its way off my head at some point during a run, but not these. They really do stay put and who doesn’t love silver sparkles?!

Best running advice you received

I tried everything after I injured my Achilles. Here is the run down of therapies:

• Sports chiropractor
• Weeks of PT
• Foot specialist/surgeon
• Ice
• Ibuprofen
• Aleve
• Stretching so many times during the day it felt like a part time job
• Arnica gel
• Herbal supplements, mineral tea and a variety of topical rubs
• Wraps
• Sports tape
• Professional sports massage
• A homemade splint type gadget to keep my foot dorsiflexed while sleeping

After all of those interventions the pain actually got worse and radiated up through my calf. I was sent home from PT on 5/30/14. The physical therapist advised me to call my primary care doctor. I actually drove straight there and arranged an appointment that day. The doctor gave me the most important advice, “Be patient and give it time to heal.” Ironically that night I tried something I hadn’t before, heat. Within hours the pain dissipated from a 9 to a 4 out of 10. After more rounds of my heating pad the pain in my calf was completely gone and my heel pain was down to a 5. From there on in I began getting better every day, but I decided running was going to wait until I felt like it was the right time and there was no perceptible discomfort. It was a wise decision based on simple but sage advice.

*Best lesson learned

If you feel discomfort don’t run! And if you feel pain definitely don’t run. I could have possibly saved myself a lot of time away from running, aggravation and money.

Most inspirational runner

Well, of course there’s the story of Meb Keflezighi and his glorious victory at this year’s Boston Marathon making him the first American male to win it since 1983. Sure it brought tears to my eyes, but really the most inspirational runners are the ones I see everyday. These are the people that make me want to run. They run in all kinds of weather and at all hours of the day whenever they can fit it into their busy schedules. They are moms, dads, students, young, old, in shape and out of shape. They are not running to win a prize, they are running for their health both mental and physical.

If you could sum up your year in running in a few words what would they be?

Unpredictable, frustrating, slow

I started this blog as a place to document my running journey after running my first half marathon back in 2010. It’s fallen to the wayside recently as has running. This year has been busy in a way I can’t quite explain. I honestly don’t know where the time has gone, but not only have I not had time to write, I haven’t even had time to read my favorite blogs. I miss both. Not much running is happening either. I miss that more than anything. While these things have taken a back seat there have also been exciting new opportunities this year. As I shift into a very new routine and way of life I’m hoping to return to running and writing about it.

Life is busy, but good. This year has been like a pendulum swinging back and forth, a test of patience and perseverance. So many things that seemed out of control for many months are slowly coming into balance again, my weight, fitness, my marriage, the overall flow of life and my job. The only aspect of life that ever stays in focus is my son. He’s not oblivious to everything that has gone on, but his life remains as stable as possible.

I stayed the course throughout the ups and downs. I reached out for help. I switched directions about a million times. I slowed down, I sped up. Sometimes I just stopped. I wrote, I thought, I meditated, I cried and talked. I took leaps of faith and I trusted in myself.

Today I ran 16 miles, my longest run since marathon training last spring. I’m training again and running double digits. I’ve slowed down a lot, but I don’t care because I’m running again!

This is the beautiful scenery I’ve been so lucky to take in on my runs lately. If there is anything this year has taught me it’s to appreciate the small things and take nothing for granted.