I’m trying to work so many things out in my head right now. I’m so aggravated with myself. There was a time when I trained for three marathons, worked nights and took care of my son all day. I was busy then too, but I did it. Now I have a To Do list 8 miles long. I can’t seem to keep up with my own life since I changed jobs in November never mind my son’s schedule. It doesn’t help that I still do at least one night shift per week at the hospital. I’ve been trying for almost two years now to feel some semblance of balance in my life, but as the days and years slip by I feel like my life is stuck in a hamster wheel.

I need to find order, stop making excuses and start dreaming big again. There was a time a couple of years ago when I felt amazing. I was in a good place mentally, physically and spiritually. I’m not there right now. I’ve spent a long time pondering how I got off track; probably way too much time. It’s time to stop living in the past and move forward.

I read two blog posts today that had a profound effect on how I’m feeling. The first was from Roni at Roni’s Weigh. It’s called The After Myth and Why I get so Snarky. I’ve been reading Roni since before my son was born and really credit her with changing my outlook on dieting. What used to be a temporary fix in my mind shifted to becoming a lifestyle and this post that I read today drove home the point that I have to stop thinking about “the after picture” so to speak. It’s the journey we are on and the here and now that we need to appreciate. There is no pot of gold at the end of the proverbial rainbow. The rainbow never ends and there are many pots of gold along the way if we learn to recognize them.

The second post was actually one that Roni referenced in her post. It’s called “After” Myth on the blog Can Anybody Hear Me. Wow this just blew me away. I have been grappling with such internal confusion regarding my weight. I have struggled with it since I was 10 years old. The closest I ever came to being a healthy comfortable weight was in the spring of 2013. I ran the Montreal Marathon in September 2013 and it’s been a downward spiral since. I haven’t gained back the 70 pounds I lost, but I’ve gained back a good 10-15 depending on the day (I’m guessing based on my clothing because I haven’t actually weighed myself since December). I’ve reverted back to behaviors I thought I had expelled from my life. I’ve allowed “fat feelings” and negative self-talk to dictate my mood.

Why am I holding back? I know it’s not about how I look, but how I feel inside. I know that life feels so much better when I feel good in my clothes, my mind, my soul. I move easier. My mind is clearer. I smile more. I’m more productive.

Uncovering my layers is scary and makes me vulnerable, but putting the layers back on doesn’t feel right either. I have spent the first half (hopefully) of my life mostly feeling awful about myself, being angry, sad, defensive and self-conscious. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I’ve made so many strides in a healthier direction. It’s time to embrace the life I know I can live. Stop looking to the “after” and start living in the now. It’s up to me to do what I can to have the happiest, healthiest today and then do it all over again tomorrow. In the process I might finally obtain the greatest treasure of all…learning to love myself.