Free flow

Gosh I’m feeling all unbalanced today. Hormones? Change of season? Stuff swirling around my mind? Busy pace of life lately?

I allowed one bratty entitled patient last night to burrow under my skin.

Feeling really self conscious at the gym today especially since I keep losing my balance doing single leg barbell dead lifts for the first time.

Not sure if I’m doing the work I’m meant to be doing.

I just want to run in the cool crisp air and hear the crunch of the leaves under my feet. Tomorrow I will run.

I’m positive one of my arms is longer than the other.

I swear the girl at the front desk of my gym dislikes me because I’ve been going for years and she is always snotty to me no matter how polite and friendly I am to her.

I keep feeling like I want to cry. Ok it’s hormones!

Christmas is already stressing me out. I just want to hide for the holidays.

All sorts of negative body image thoughts on my mind. Wondering why my legs are still so big.

The leaves are so beautiful today. I love the fall. It’s my favorite season and probably the only reason I live in New England.

I love my fall wreath this year.

I vow not to watch the biggest loser this season. The show upsets me anyway but especially this season because that American Idol contestant Ruben Studdard is on the show. I believe he has the financial resources and the support to lose weight on his own. I don’t believe the show is the best role model for weight-loss but it still helps people to lose weight. Someone else could really benefit from being a contestant on the show.

I seem to be the only person in my family who can put the laundry away.

My husband called me on his lunch break and made me feel little bit better.

Tonight is my last night of a 7 night stretch at work. It was self-induced. However, I’m glad it’s almost over.

I’ve been journaling my food on paper recently. Today I went back to MyFitnessPal. Want to see what I eat? Come find me there at mozaim.

I’m struggling with afternoon snacking. Those calories add up so quickly. I think I will always have to work against emotional eating. Today I will fight the urge.

4:52 pm- At last it is time for bed before work. Aside from a small apple I didn’t have anything else to eat this afternoon.

This post was written entirely by the talk to text feature on my phone. I spoke a sentence here and there throughout the day as things popped into my mind.

Running up a mountain

I posted this on Facebook yesterday to one of my co-workers:

A while ago you suggested that I try running up Skinner Mountain to change up my running routine. I did it! I’m pretty sure I won’t be as excited tomorrow when I can’t sit down. — at J. A. Skinner State Park.

I totally threw my arms in the air, a la Rocky, when I reached the top. I may have even thrown a little fist pump out there. No one was watching, but frankly I don’t think I would have cared if there was a crowd of people.

I’m really bored with my typical running routes. The weather has been weird and cold even when the forecast calls for a sunny day in the 50s. I feel like I’ve worn out my welcome at the gym and although the treadmill and I have grown to tolerate each other I am so tired of looking at the same walls, same people, same TV screens and same digital display of the treadmill. So yesterday I decided to shake things up a bit. Work has been particularly trying lately thanks to one particular patient. I work on a locked psych unit so it takes me A LOT to say that my patience is being tried at work. I needed to release some tension so I made up my mind to run the mountain and I refused to think of anything else until I made it to the top.

I got out of my car, stretched out a bit and took off. I’m not quite ready for steep trail running so I played it safe and ran the paved road that circles the mountain up to the summit. Now we’re not talking the Rockies people. This is the western most peak in the Holyoke Range which is also part of the 100 mile Metacomet trail system. The mountain itself is actually called Mount Holyoke which is home to J.A. Skinner State Park. I have also heard it referred to as Skinner Mountain. It rises 935 feet which is roughly three quarters of a mile, but in taking the road my total distance up was 1.75 miles. I ran every bit of the way up without stopping. I pushed hard, my breathing was heavy, but my legs powered on. The road curves and the hills come sharper and steeper as you near the summit.

Like I said, this is not Kilimanjaro, but wow what a great workout. My legs were on fire by the time I reached the top, but that good on fire feeling that makes you feel strong and alive. I cooled down a bit while strolling around the summit enjoying the view of the Connecticut River valley.

My legs are definitely feeling it today, but again in a good way. I can still sit and even felt great during some speed training this morning. I can’t wait to do it again though. There is another similar mountain I am hoping to try soon. I love when I find new ways to infuse more fun and variety into my workouts.

I also came away from this experience with a new appreciation for my legs. Biz wrote a post about loving her ass (if you don’t read Biz you should because her post titles alone will make you smile!) this morning and she asked her readers to comment on which part of their body they are going to embrace today. I haven’t commented yet, but my answer is my legs. For most of my life I have hated my legs. I have thought really mean things about them. I have looked at them with disgust. I have cursed them and cried about them. Despite the weight I have lost, my legs are still large. They are not as large anymore. I can even admit that my hips have slimmed down a bit. Remember my body is a classic Anjou pear shape, small on top and very voluptuous on the bottom with the largest area being the butt, hips and thighs. Oh how I’ve loathed my lower half for so long.

Like Biz, my husband has always loved me and my body no matter what size. He is quite pleased with how I’m beginning to feel about my body though he doesn’t understand my feelings about my legs, bootie and hips. He quite likes them. After running that mountain yesterday I saw my legs in a new light. I appreciate more about them the more I accomplish through my fitness endeavors, but yesterday I was thankful for them. They are strong and powerful. They do not let me down. They have helped me move faster and achieve goals I never even knew I had. So today I am embracing my legs.

While Biz embraces her ass and I embrace my legs what body part will you be embracing today? (Biz I hope it’s ok if I stole your question?!)


I eat a healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables. My meals are vibrant in color and nutrition. I recently eliminated caffeine, processed foods, added sugar, dairy and gluten from my diet for a three week cleanse. It was not a colon cleanse. I did eat a fulfilling plant based diet. I won’t get into the details, but suffice it to say the initial days were challenging. However, what followed was a feeling of lightness and clarity in both body and mind.

I slowly added things back into my diet though I have decided to remain dairy and caffeine free. Processed and packaged foods are very limited in my home anyway, but I will continue to monitor for added sugar and added preservatives in my food. I don’t eat bread regularly nor do I seem to identify with a gluten allergy so I’m not going to be overly vigilant about gluten right now.

I feel fantastic. My sugar cravings have nearly disappeared save for hormonal times of the month. I am more energetic throughout my overnight shift despite the lack of caffeine. My husband keeps complimenting my skin. My hair feels softer and is easier to manage. My workouts have been very productive. I’m tackling organizational projects around the house, slowly but surely.

Here’s the thing…I love the way I am eating these days. I’ve come a long way from the girl who didn’t eat vegetables until age 25. However, I am not immune to the occasional craving and desire for something other than a salad. Today I was hungry. Nothing was bothering me. Nothing was on my mind. I feel fine. I just had a taste for something different. Is it a coincidence that I am mid-cycle? I’m not sure, but I will keep an eye on it next month to see if there is a trend. TMI? Sorry.

I made banana muffins with dark chocolate chips and I helped myself to some extra chocolate chips along the way. I’m not sure how many I ate, but there are still some left in the bag. – I’m not sorry.

I prepared a gorgeous salad for a dinner with friends tonight. To go with it I made a Tahini Dill dressing and I helped myself to a taste or two or five. – I’m not sorry.

I ate a banana muffin warm from the oven. The chocolate chips were melty. The muffin was delicious. – I’m not sorry.

Later I shared an apple with Carlos only I had mine with some peanut butter. – I’m really not sorry.

I didn’t eat a healthy nutritious lunch today because I enjoyed the above indulgences. – I’m not sorry.

We had dinner with friends tonight. We haven’t seen each other in ages. There was lots of chatter and laughter. So nice to reconnect. I brought the salad and a quinoa dish to share. They served salmon, potatoes and rice. I enjoyed my dinner and ate until I felt satisfied. For dessert I enjoyed a clementine and grapes. – I’m most definitely not sorry.

Other than writing it out here I didn’t journal my food or count calories. Oh and I didn’t measure or weigh anything either. – I’m not sorry.

I’ve been on a diet for most of my life. I’ve both restricted and binged at different times. I’ve made significant changes over the last few years that have helped me lose weight and keep it off. These changes have become my lifestyle. They are not fleeting fads that I try for a while only to toss them to the wayside when a new diet trend comes on the scene. I do realize that I’ve been a bit strict lately with the cleanse and beyond in an effort to break through a 6 month plateau, but today I eased up on myself guilt free.

You see I didn’t fall off the proverbial wagon. This is not day one of a downward spiral back to obesity. Tomorrow I return to my healthy habits, food journaling and portion control. I was conscious of my actions today. I did not sabotage my weight loss efforts or my health. Today I took care of myself in a way that at one time would have seemed almost naughty and would have been followed up with self-inflicted punishment in the form of negative self-talk, extreme measures such as fasting which never lasted more than a day, excess exercise and new diet rules.

How do I know for sure that tomorrow won’t be repeat of today? Because I have learned to trust myself.

I don’t usually share recipes here, but this is a tried and true recipe. This is a banana muffin I have been using for a long time now; so long I can’t remember where it comes from, but I’ve adapted it along the way to accommodate my dietary changes. It’s a super easy recipe and really flexible with whatever you might have on hand. I hope you try these muffins some time. I don’t think you’ll be sorry.

Unapologetic Banana Muffins


  • 1/4 cup sugar (any kind)
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour (or other flour – today I used spelt flour and they turned out really light and fluffy)
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil (or other vegetable oil)
  • 1/4 cup 1% milk (or nondairy milk – I use almond milk)
  • 2 medium bananas, mashed (around 1 cup)
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/3 cup raisins and/or nuts, chocolate chips, dried fruit


1. Preheat oven to 375º F.

2. Measure sugar, baking soda, salt and flour into a bowl. Stir well to combine ingredients.

3. Add oil, milk, mashed bananas and vanilla; mix just until flour is moistened.

4. Fold in raisins.

5. Use a non-stick muffin pan, or muffin papers. Fill muffin cups 2/3 full with batter.

6. Bake 15-20 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from pan right away.

Makes 6 large or 12 small muffins. One muffin per serving.


Skin Deep: Living in America

Earlier this sumer I introduced a series of posts touching on my weight issues and body image over the years. I have wanted to return to it for some time now. If you missed any of the previous posts they can be found below.

Skin Deep: Adolescence

Skin Deep: College Years

Skin Deep: Mozambique

I left off on the verge of leaving my life in Mozambique to return to the United States. I was newlywed and had been out of the country for nearly four years. Unfortunately student loan payments began calling and neither my husband or I could find stable employment in Mozambique. So back to the U.S. it was.

I looked and felt great the day I stepped off the plane. In the back of my head I was worried about the temptations that awaited me. I returned home first. Orlando arrived two months later. I lived with my mother while I began setting up our new life in the states. I got busy applying for jobs and while I waited for work I began substitute teaching in my hometown. However, I often found myself alone on days I didn’t work. It didn’t take long for my old habits to rear their ugly heads. I began to eat my old favorite processed foods I hadn’t eaten for the years I lived abroad. I didn’t just eat a little. I ate a lot and I ate most of it in private. As you can imagine it didn’t take me long to start gaining weight.

By the time I was reunited with my husband I had gained at least 10 pounds. With the weight came the old feelings, insecurity, self-consciousness and lack of confidence. I knew I was on a slippery slope and it didn’t end there. Despite being here with my husband I felt very lonely. Friendships had changed while I was away. My family was adjusting to my marriage particularly my mother who strongly disagreed with my decision. As my weight increased so did my defensive attitude. I became angry, frustrated and looking back I can now identify that I was also depressed.

A year earlier a very good college friend had asked me to be in her wedding. The wedding was 5 months after my return. I had been fitted for the bridesmaid dress a year earlier on a visit to the U.S. at a time when I was comfortable with my weight. The dress fit beautifully and looked quite nice. Cut to a year later as the wedding neared. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my body. The dress was beyond snug. It actually looked horrible.  I didn’t want to be in the wedding. Needless to say I was not the model of a supportive bridesmaid. I was resentful because of how I felt inside. I attended the wedding alone and though I did my best to be happy for my friend I clearly wasn’t happy to be there. After the wedding our communication waned. I haven’t seen my friend since. I did call her months later to apologize for my behavior but the damage had been done. This memory is cemented in my mind and thinking about it makes me feel terrible.

My husband began working within days of arriving for a swimming pool company. I was not so lucky. It turned out to be almost as difficult to find employment here in the U.S. It took me 4 months to get a full time job with health insurance. I finally took a position running a program for pregnant and parenting teens. The program was run through the state supported Department of Transitional Assistance as an alternative to traditional schooling. Since the girls were all receiving welfare they were required to attend school or obtain a GED. This program prepared the girls to take the GED. I also ran health workshops, parenting classes and life skills classes. I enjoyed the job and the day structure.

After a few months on the job I began to lose some weight and felt a bit better about myself. I began walking a lot for exercise. As I lost weight my mood improved, but I would get down 5-10 pounds and then gain again. It became a vicious cycle. My eating habits were terrible. I relied on frozen foods and convenience food for meals. My pantry was full of packages labeled fat free, low fat and light. I tricked myself into believing that I was eating healthy by eating less fat.

I also picked up some new damaging habits. This is difficult for me to write about because I haven’t readily admitted it before. I began eating in secret. I would buy a forbidden treat at the grocery store with the intent of finishing it in the car on the way home, quite a feat considering I lived about 3 minutes away. I would hide a bag of chips in the pantry and basically binge eat it when my husband was at work or asleep. Again rather risky given the fact that we lived in a small apartment. I didn’t do it all the time, but when I did I was left feeling confused, remorseful and regretful. I would instantly vow to embark on a drastic diet the following day. You can probably guess where that kind of thinking led me.

Between 2002 and 2004 my weight bounced up and down finally settling somewhere in the high 170s, a place I had been many times before. I squeezed into my familiar size 14s, did my best at hiding my body with baggie sweaters and used my go to defense mechanism of sarcasm to deal with the hurt and shame I felt. I was miserable inside.

Despite the weight I didn’t shy away from new opportunities or challenges in other aspects of my life. I had thought about becoming a nurse during my years in Mozambique because of the need for health care workers there. Also the demand for nurses here promised a decent paying career.  My job with the Young Parents Program was tenuous and budget cuts in the state forced the program to close temporarily in the beginning of 2003. When it reopened the program I ran did not so I was only offered a part-time position in another town. I declined because I had the foresight to register for a prerequisite nursing class at a local community college. At that point I decided to throw myself into preparing for nursing school full time so I signed up for more classes and began working at a pizza shop where my aunt worked for extra money.

My self-esteem was at a low. My weight was all over the place. In October of 2003 we had our U.S. wedding for my friends and family. It was a nice day, but I am disappointed looking back on it. I wanted to glow and feel my best, but instead I settled for mediocre. I didn’t feel like the beautiful bride. I was jealous of how thin my wedding party was and how great they looked in their dresses. Imagine the bride envious of her wedding party. The way I felt about myself definitely cast a shadow on my mood that day. I managed to put on a good face, but deep down I was mad at myself for once again allowing my weight to dictate my mood.

I’m aware that I may get comments about these photos. Remember that how one feels about their body is subjective. This is my story and these are my feelings. I have struggled with weight issues most of my life. While my weight in these photos may not be considered by some to be a problem, to me it was a problem.

Here comes the bride
Here comes the bride: My Dad and I walking down the aisle
I do...again!
I do…again!

After the wedding I threw myself into my studies, I joined a gym and I began waitressing full time. I was busy. My weight fluctuated and even dropped for a time, but not too low. I didn’t own a scale and didn’t weigh myself at the gym so I’m not quite sure what I weighed. My mood was often directly correlated to the current state of my weight and how I felt in my clothing.

This has been a very difficult and emotional post to write. This was a rather dark time in my life. It’s also important for me to write about this time period because it plays an important role in who I’ve become today. Disordered eating was accompanied by disordered thinking and both needed to be addressed before any real change could take place.

I realize this post is somewhat disjointed and unorganized. That reflects how I felt during this period of my life. To tie up some loose ends I will end with a list to make my thoughts more organized.

  • My marriage withstood my moods and frustrations with my weight primarily because I have a wonderful husband who has always loved me as I am.
  • My relationship with friends and family deteriorated because I was not a joy to be around most of the time.
  • I avoided family gatherings if possible.
  • Emotional eating was in full swing.
  • Nursing school allowed me an excuse to hide in some ways. It also provided me with added stress which led me to eat more.
  • I was unhappy and it showed most of the time.
  • I wanted to change but I wanted someone to help me. Essentially I wanted someone to do it for me.

Skin Deep: Mozambique

Thank you so much for the kind comments about my previous Skin Deep posts (Adolescence and the College Years). I feel as though I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of my weight issues and part of getting to the root of my struggle is identifying how my emotions affect my eating.

I could write volumes on my life in Mozambique. It was one of those life altering experiences that no one else quite understands except maybe my site mate. I beam when I talk about it even today. Sure I had my ups and downs living in a third world country, but overall it was wonderful.

Someday I would love to chronicle my Peace Corps experience here, but for now I’ll just give a brief overview. I joined the Peace Corps when I was 25 years old and received an invitation to serve in the first group of Peace Corps Volunteers ever in Mozambique. Mozambique is located in southern Africa on the Indian Ocean coast.

In October 1998 I left the United States for a 2 year 3 month assignment as an English teacher. The 3 months is pre-service training which includes language, culture and teacher training. From there I was assigned to teach English at the secondary school in a town called Chokwe.

About 6 months before I left for Peace Corps I was at my heaviest weight, 208 pounds. Despite my ups and downs during college and the progress I made with improving my self-esteem I let all that go and of course gained a lot of weight. I joined Weight Watchers at that time and I think I managed to lose about 20 pounds. Before leaving the U.S. my Peace Corps (PC) group met in Denver, Colorado for a 4 day staging event. I remember arriving to the hotel and meeting the group for the first time. I distinctly recall feeling very self-conscious about my appearance. I instantly hated all of my clothing and felt frumpy and fat.

My group was mostly women. Once in Mozambique we found ourselves living in dormitory-like conditions with the women separated from the men. I was angry about my weight, frustrated about my ugly clothing and depressed about my appearance overall. Our shower stalls had no doors on them which only added to the anxiety I felt about my body. I seemed to quickly retreat into myself causing unpredictable mood swings. Needless to say I probably wasn’t very well liked by my colleagues. I did make friends but I don’t think my attitude was often appreciated. I was aware of my negativity, but I couldn’t seem to control it.

By the end of the 3 month training I know I had lost weight. I remember getting weighed at some point during training and I was in the 170s. I certainly felt better and my mood lightened. Upon arriving to my permanent site where I would be teaching I lost more weight. I was walking everywhere. My site mate and I bought bikes and spent hours almost every day riding through the vast agricultural fields that surrounded the town. The heat made me eat less as did the fact that we didn’t have a refrigerator and everything had to be prepared from scratch. I went from being a non-vegetable eater with a diet of mostly white starchy carbs to  a diet full of colorful fruits and vegetables. Mozambique opened up a whole new world of flavor for me.

I gradually lost more weight and had to buy new clothing. I started wearing dresses and skirts. I added cute tank tops to my wardrobe. For the first time in a very very long time I wore a bathing suit at the beach. I actually went into the water sans large T-shirt. I don’t think I weighed any less than 160, but I felt fantastic. I would go out to the disco on the weekends in a cute dress something I don’t think I ever did before living in Mozambique.

About 2 months after arriving to Chokwe I met Orlando. Our friendship developed over the next few months into a more serious relationship. He didn’t seem concerned about my body. He obviously liked what he saw and would compliment me on my appearance. He never made a negative comment about my weight so I didn’t mention my issues with weight.

In June 1999 I went to a PC conference and on my way I caught my pinky finger on something while getting off the bus. It developed quickly into an infection and the medical officer told me to stop smoking. I didn’t bother to heed her warning and by the next morning my finger was extremely swollen and sore. I stopped smoking cold turkey and have never looked back. I had wanted to quit. Orlando didn’t smoke and didn’t seem to love the fact that I did, but I also had misgivings about what it might be doing to my health. I worried that I would gain weight, but miraculously I didn’t.

The Mozambicans had different reactions to my body and they let me know. A comment I heard quite often was how voluptuous I was in reference to my full hips and bottom. The women would outline the shape of my body in the air with their hands and then tell me what a good mother I will be obviously meaning to say that I clearly have the perfect body to deliver a baby.

A perfect example of how Mozambicans viewed weight is exhibited in these typical comments I received often. I might go out in the morning and hear “oh teacher you look so fat today!” I would instantly sulk. My day ruined completely until later in the day wearing a totally different outfit I would be greeted by friends with “are you ok? You look so thin today. Do you feel ok?” Suddenly I would grin from ear to ear, comments from earlier in the day forgotten. To the Mozambicans carrying extra weight was a sign of wealth, health and well-being. Appearing thin signified illness. So in my dysfunctional warped brain I preferred looking sickly. There is something very wrong with that kind of thinking.

It took me a while to wrap my head around the Mozambican mentality towards weight and body image, but in time I grew increasingly less self-conscious about what I looked like. By the time I left Mozambique in 2002 I weighed somewhere in the 160s. I had quit smoking. I overcame my picky eating habits and finally added vegetables to my diet. I discovered that I liked dressing in feminine clothing. I became more active. I was walking and bike riding regularly. Life in Mozambique happens outdoors and I learned to enjoy that aspect of life too. I smiled more and felt a sense of peace inside. Overall I felt better than I ever remembered feeling. I was also a newlywed. My life changed so positively in my almost 4 years overseas. I loved my life in Mozambique and I was very reluctant to leave.

Skin Deep: College Years

College was a bit of a bumpy ride in the beginning. I went away to college, then transferred to another out of state college before finally settling back into my childhood home just before the beginning of second semester my freshmen year. I attended community college for the rest of freshman and sophomore years before transferring to the University of Massachusetts in Amherst. I commuted throughout my junior year and then finally moved to Amherst the summer before my senior year.

Needless to say my first 3 years of college did not at all mirror the mental image I created before leaving high school. I struggled both physically and emotionally. My weight crept up higher than ever. By the time I moved to UMass I was not only obese, but I was indulging in some terrible habits. I was, at that time, a pack per day cigarette smoker. I drank coffee first thing in the morning and other times throughout the day which would be ok if it hadn’t been loaded with milk and sugar. I turned 21 the summer I moved to Amherst and subsequently enjoyed my share of Zima (anyone remember those!), wine coolers and Kamikaze shots that summer and well into the fall semester. It took me all of a few months to realize that drinking was not my thing. Instead I began drinking Diet Coke like it was going out of style.

My eating habits went from bad to worse. Once I moved from my Mom’s house to an off campus apartment in Amherst my diet consisted of things like bagels, calzones, pizza and burritos. I didn’t eat vegetables then and I was most definitely a meat eater. I also didn’t cook, so much of what I ate was from restaurants or a box, as in Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

During my winter break junior year I did a 3 week intensive Spanish class in Cuernavaca, Mexico. I quickly became friends with the two other women from UMass. Within days of knowing each other they both encouraged me to stop wearing my big baggie T-shirts. They told me that I didn’t have to hide my body. One night before going out my new friend suggested I tuck in my shirt (gasp!). Not very fashion forward but in many ways better than the shirt dress I had been wearing. It took some getting used to but it was the impetus for thinking about what I was wearing rather than simply covering myself.

The second semester of my senior year I lived in Mexico again for a study abroad experience. I had the time of my life. This time I lived in Taxco, a beautiful silver mining town located south of Mexico City in the state of Guerrero. The town was carved into the mountainside which made for lots of hills. I walked everywhere and naturally slimmed down enough to feel somewhat comfortable with my body. I was still pleasantly plump and curvaceous, but it turns out the Mexican men find that attractive. For the first time in my life I was asked to dance at the discotecas. I received harmless cat calls and one funny marriage proposal on the way to school in the morning. It didn’t go to my head if that’s what you’re thinking. I found the attention a bit comical, but it was never crude or degrading. Honestly it made me smile. I met a lovely man towards the end of my semester abroad. We dated briefly. He was kind, thoughtful and made me feel beautiful. Our time together was short but it left a lasting impression on my self-confidence.

There was one other factor in Mexico that significantly improved how I felt about myself. I became friends and later roommates with two young women from England. They were the two most confident, brazen, hilarious women I had ever met. As if that wasn’t enough they also had those great British accents! Only a Brit can tell you to F off and make it sound like they are paying you a compliment. They put up with my self-loathing for all of a minute before one of them was fashioning together an outfit to wear dancing and the other was giving me a makeover. They simply wouldn’t stand for my negativity and therefore in order to hang out with them I had to start liking myself…at least a little.

At the end of the semester I spent an extra few weeks traveling all around southern Mexico by myself. This was a very empowering journey. It was a tremendous experience. I learned a great deal, met interesting people along the way and saw some amazing places like the pyramids of Chichen Itza, the quaint colonial town of San Cristobal in Chiapas, the ancient Mayan ruins of Palenque, and the pristine beaches on the Oaxacan coast. I discovered that I was resourceful, capable and much more confident when exploring life on my own.

Family and friends couldn’t help but notice how much better I looked upon my return home. It wasn’t just that I had lost a little weight, it was that I had gained some self-confidence. I was refreshed and so enamored with my entire experience in Mexico.

I still fell prey to the vicious cycle of dieting throughout college. The negative self talk seemed to be most rampant when my friends were dating. I felt left out and lonely. These feelings were  inevitably linked to how I felt about my appearance. I set unrealistic goals on the weekend, vowing to make drastic changes just about every Monday and by Tuesday I would be back uptown chowing on a huge slice of pizza. I joined the gym, I quit the gym. I began vigorous walking and roller blading routines only to find other more important things to do with my time like hanging out at a pub with friends.

My college years were fun. I finally had friends and a social life. College life didn’t quite end upon graduation for me because I took a job on campus. My bad habits continued as did the yo-yo dieting. The little bit of self-confidence I developed remained, but I wasn’t truly happy. At a time when I should have been meeting the world head on with enthusiasm and ambition I shrunk back. I had dreams and plans, but they were buried under doubts and skepticism.

“If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.”  ~Author Unknown

Sunny Saturday

It’s gorgeous out today. I am sitting on my back deck catching up with blogs, email, etc. The sun feels fantastic.

About a week ago I wrote about a few things that were on my mind. I was really pleased to receive such honest comments on the post. I thought I would revisit the topics as to where things stand today.

  • Easter was full of candy as I expected. My mother actually fit entire Cadbury eggs into those little plastic eggs she used for the Easter egg hunt! There were also Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs and M&Ms. Seriously! I wanted to scream. Why can’t she at least put junk I dislike in the plastic eggs like Starburst and Skittles. I managed to unload the Cadbury eggs on another guest. The rest came home with us and went directly into the candy bowl high atop the pantry shelves so Carlos couldn’t get into it. It should have been put in a locked safe that only my husband could open.
  • Sugar – my food demons and I met head on this week. The demons won! I caved amidst a big bowl of acquired Easter candy, bake sale cookies I just had to sample before sending them off and PMS to boot. Yikes a recipe for disaster. I felt so weak and powerless. It was as if one bite led to more intense cravings and so on. I felt guilty and guiltier with each bite, yet I didn’t stop when I should have. It’s officially over now though. I haven’t quite hashed out all my feelings about the episode, but I know for a fact in years past I would have thrown in the towel completely. All bets would have been off and before I knew it I’d be praying that I didn’t get rid of my jeans in the next size up. Not this time. My pants still fit fine actually. In exchange for the sugar I’ve turned to fresh fruit and vegetables while my body recovers. I hope between now and the next time I will have found better coping mechanisms when confronted with an excess of the sweet stuff.
  • Grad School – my meeting with the Assistant Director of Graduate Studies went extremely well. I let her know up front of my intention to start the program next year and she was very supportive of my decision. She outlined the program for me. We discussed my goals and future plans. She also mentioned the possibility of incorporating one of our vacations to Mozambique into a potential practicum experience for me. There is the potential for tuition reimbursement if I decide to run clinical groups for their undergraduate nursing program. I left feeling rejuvenated and enthusiastic about continuing my education and much more sure of my decision to postpone my plans for a year.

In other news I had the most incredible run yesterday even though it wasn’t quite as long as I planned. I will discuss it more in my training post.

On Monday I am heading to Boston to watch the Boston Marathon will my best college friend. We haven’t seen each other in ages. I’m so excited about spending some time with her while cheering on all of the amazing runners. Carlos will be going to the Red Sox game with my sister while I’m at the marathon. Lucky duck!! I’m a teensy bit jealous that my 5  year old with experience Fenway before I do. I will finally see the famed Green Monster in person when my husband and I go to Fenway for a game on his birthday later in the summer. I have seen the Red Sox play only once before and it was at Yankee Stadium. I do not recommend this if you are a Red Sox fan. It was brutal.

On Thursday we went hiking at a new location not far from home. The Arcadia Wildlife Sanctuary is part of the Mass Audobon Society. It was so tranquil and beautiful. The park offers 5 miles of hiking trails, mostly flat and along the Connecticut River. They were running a special deal on Mass Audubon Memberships so I joined. I’m looking forward to exploring the area more and also visiting other Mass Audubon locations across the state. They even have these really cool “Nature Quests” you can print out from the website and follow along to find a hidden treasure. Carlos is going to love that! (OK who am I kidding I’m super psyched about the Nature Quests too. I’m also dying to go Geocaching!! When did I become such an outdoorsy girl?!)

Have a wonderful weekend!!