Numbers

About a year ago I put my scale away and I haven’t weighed myself since. It was liberating to be free of the scale. I was no longer playing weird mind games with myself about the numbers on the scale. You know, if I don’t eat anything from now until morning, drink lots of water and then weigh myself completely naked after my first pee in the morning then maybe it will show a loss. It wasn’t working. I was stuck on a never ending plateau.

Around the same time that I ditched the scale I also registered for a half marathon and began training. My body seemed to change over the course of six months. I dropped from a size 14 to a size 12. Suddenly everything in my closet fit. I felt so much better in my body. Judging by my clothing I fluctuated a bit over the winter, but I knew when to reel it in and seemed to return back to where my clothing fit comfortably within a week or two.

I am nowhere near a happy weight, but I am much more confident and comfortable in my skin. I have been thinking a lot about getting back into weight loss mode now that I have adapted a regular fitness routine. I enjoy running so much and I love running races, but it often bothers me to know that I could be running faster and stronger if I were to lose a little more weight. I know that it would make me feel better and more confident.

A few weeks ago my husband and I had to have medical exams for new life insurance policies. The first time we took out life insurance I was denied any kind of preferred status because of my weight. Well that was shortly after giving birth to my now four year old son. I weighed nearly 200 pounds. When I last weighed myself a little over a year ago I was 168 pounds. I thought for sure I had lost at least 10 pounds if not more over the last year. Needless to say when the nurse weighed me for the insurance medical exam I was shocked and disappointed to learn that I had only lost 4 pounds. I weighed 164 pounds. Writing the numbers here is difficult for me. I never discuss my weight in numbers, but it’s important for me to acknowledge where I am at this point in my weight loss journey. I should also mention here that my height is 5’3″ (barely).

This has been on my mind for days. I instantly berated myself and decided that I should restrict certain foods from my diet until the scale showed a more significant loss. Within minutes I reminded myself how far I’ve come over the past year. My diet is made up of nearly all whole foods. I no longer rely on fat free and sugar free substitutes. I now bake my own treats with real ingredients and eat realistic portions. I make activity a part of every day. I have run a half marathon, signed up for a full, tried yoga, Zumba and body blast classes. I hike with my son. I take the stairs whenever possible. We rarely eat out anymore because we are all happier with my lighter, healthier creations. I wear a bathing suit when I go to the beach and I don’t even dread it (mind you it’s a tankini with the skirt bottom!). My weight is no longer the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I consider when I go to bed.

So instead of putting myself on some ridiculous crash diet I did nothing…nothing drastic. I knew that I needed to give myself time to decide how I wanted to approach this. My son was finishing up school which meant a huge change in my workout schedule. I had the half marathon to run. My husband’s work schedule had changed a bit possibly rendering my sleep time even less. My Dad came to visit over Memorial Day weekend. I worked a 7 night stretch at the same time he was visiting. Too many things were going on at once. From previous experience I knew that any changes to my diet would be fruitless with so much happening and so little time to plan.

We met with the insurance agent just a couple of days ago to finalize our policies. My husband, of course, qualified for the highest preferred category. This time I did qualify for regular preferred though I was denied the highest preferred rating due to my weight. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I have struggled with weight issues since I was a teen. Though, I can honestly say that I have not felt this good about myself ever. I don’t love my body the way I wish I did, but I am so proud of what my body has been able to do in these last four years starting with carrying another life and giving birth to my son. I have so much more respect for my body. I know for a fact that I will not return to the 170s, 180s, 190s or 200s again. I hated the way I felt when I was at those weights and I haven’t forgotten that uncomfortable, self-conscious feeling yet. However, it’s time to see this weight loss journey to the end so that I can take a right turn and travel down the road to maintaining my happy, comfortable weight.

I don’t have an exact plan yet. One change at a time seems to be what works best for me. The first thing I know I need to tackle is night time snacking at work. I have been eating my fair share of graham crackers, Saltines and peanut butter at work for a few months now. Going cold turkey and eating nothing is not the answer, but I can bring healthier foods to curb my hunger. Last night I had to go to bed when my husband got home so I packed my dinner to bring to work. I brought some fresh pineapple and this amazing Quinoa Mediterranean salad from Emily’s recipe at Daily Garnish. It was light, refreshing, healthy and delicious. I brought extra for my co-workers to try and they loved it too. My husband ate the huge container I left him for dinner and he thought it was fantastic too. It was certainly a much more nutritious option than graham crackers. And yes the grahams sometimes served as my dinner. Bad bad bad!

Other small things I have been doing:

  • measuring and weighing food to control portions
  • immediately chopping and storing produce when I come home from the store to make it readily accessible for salads and snacks
  • drinking homemade fruit flavored unsweetened iced tea
  • snacking on my basic Green Monster smoothie (ice, banana, spinach, carrot, 1/3 cup soy or almond milk, cinnamon, ground ginger and a teaspoon of Agave)
I don’t have an exact weight that I want to be. I just know that this is not it for me. I am realistic and really more interested in feeling, being and looking healthy.

2 thoughts on “Numbers

  1. Aimee…
    I think you look awesome! You’ve done GREAT 🙂
    But I know what you mean about not being 100% happy with your weight (as I’ve often felt that). But keep on the path you are on…you are eating so healthy and running (so jealous by the way!) that you will reach your goals, whatever they may be.
    Keep up the good work!
    Kaye

    1. Thanks so much Kaye. It’s frustrating sometimes when you feel like you’re working so hard but the progress is slow. I’m just going to keep plugging away though.

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