5 police officers killed in Dallas

3 police officers killed – in St. Louis, Tennessee, and Georgia

the killing of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the people affected by the loss of these lives. I have no eloquent way of expressing my thoughts on these issues so much of this may seem like I’m rambling. I feel a deep sense of sadness right now.

My son enjoys watching the news with my husband most nights. I generally have a good sense of what’s going on in the world even though I rarely sit down with them. My husband and I encourage Carlos to ask questions. He’s interested and inquisitive. As much as the mom in me wants to shelter him from all the bad in the world, I cannot. So I want to make him aware, knowledgeable, and in tune to his surroundings. On Thursday night when he went in the living room to watch the news, I joined him because Orlando was working. Lester Holt began the news with the top stories of the two men killed by police officers. I watched and worried about how to explain these stories to Carlos. I am not going to lie, I felt a sense of relief when I looked over for Carlos’ reaction after the report was finished and realized he was sound asleep. I sat and watched him so peaceful and sweet. Then a rather abrupt realization washed over me as I noted his beautiful dark skin and hair that resembles his father. My son is one day going to be a black man despite being half white. I shook the thought because I didn’t really no what it meant or how to justify my fear as the thought came into my mind.

Have you ever watched little children play with one another? They are so unaware of other kids’ differences particularly as long as everyone is interested in playing. My son has never been concerned with the color of another child’s skin or the clothing a kid wears or a hair do or the gender of a class mate’s parents. None of that is of interest to him. He just wants to play, run, goof around, and laugh with other children. His friends all seem pretty much the same. He still plays with boys and girls. He has friends of various ethnicities and socioeconomic backgrounds. My friend and I often talk about this as we watch our boys make friends almost instantaneously when we go to a playground. We ponder the question when does it all change and why?

At home we have never had a reason to discuss the interracial dynamics of our family. It’s just not something we consider to be a part of our identity. It sounds ridiculous to some, but we simply don’t see the difference.

I put Carlos to bed Thursday night and I went to bed myself at 8pm. I had watched enough and read enough throughout the day about the shootings. I have my own thoughts and opinions which I won’t get into, but essentially they probably go against the grain and I’m not looking for an argument. I was mentally drained. I slept deeply and for many hours until I woke early to go for a run. On my way to the reservoir I heard the news about the police who were shot in Dallas. I instantly thought of a friend whose husband is a policeman in Dallas. I can’t even imagine how she feels day in and day out when her husband is at work. I was relieved hours later when I heard that he was fine, however, I thought about them both throughout the day worried that more violence would erupt. I was brought up to respect a police officer with reverence and a little bit of healthy trepidation for the consequences of breaking the law. Therefore I can honestly say I don’t participate in unlawful activities. The mere thought of being arrested scares me.

Where am I going with all of this? I haven’t a clue. I’m as confused today as I was on Thursday. I’m not taking a stand on any “side” because I truly believe that we all matter. It’s all of the grey areas in the arguments that concern me the most. There is no easy solution, no simple answer, and no outcome to please everyone. We will never live in a world without guns or violence. I’m no idealistic fool. That won’t stop me from praying that maybe one day people will stop hating each other and stop reacting with violence. All I can do is live my life in a way that is meaningful to me and my family, keep them as safe as possible, and do no harm to others.