The How

I will probably regret writing this tomorrow. I was tempted to call my sister to vent but I always sound so whiny on the phone. Plus she is far too sophisticated to listen to me complain. I’m a mess inside. This job is sucking the life out of me. I miss my Life. I miss reading a book for pleasure. I miss writing a little bit each day. I miss reading blogs. I miss spending school vacation days with Carlos and today was only day one. I’m feeling awful about this summer. I’m frustrated at the expense this job is causing because of the need for childcare. Orlando is working like crazy after being laid off all winter which leaves zero time for me to workout other than my forced wake up call at 4 am. If I want to run I have to fit it in around his schedule. It isn’t happening if I wait until he gets home at night. I miss yoga class. I miss having time to cook new recipes. I miss time. This is no way to live. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, find a balance. I feel like I’m wasting precious time. I feel stifled and worn out. I feel like I’m not living the life I’m supposed to live and I’m fearful I won’t figure out how to pursue my passion before it’s too late. I feel like screaming because I’m so frustrated. I see others doing it and I am not envious, but I wonder how they did it while still paying the bills, supporting children and saving for retirement. I’m happy for them, but I want to ask them how they did it.  We all deserve to live our dreams and pursue our passions. But how? I’m stuck on the how. How do I make it happen? 

3 thoughts on “The How

  1. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I have frequently wondered how people “living their dream” are supporting a family, paying bills, and saving for retirement, and I have reached the tentative conclusion that perhaps many of them are not — they’re not saving for retirement, they’re minimizing expenses and maybe simultaneously deferring bills or going into debt, and they’ve frequently got someone else with traditional full-time employment who is supporting them. Or they’re “living the dream” part time, and doing a regular job to get by on all the rest. I read a blog once (can’t remember which) and her future plan was that she’d sell a book and that she’d be able to work forever since she could write into her 90s. That was the plan to combat not building any retirement savings. I’m too afraid of being broke and old and having to eat cat food to do that. But, I’m also lucky to be in a place where I usually like my job and believe it affords me reasonable balance. I’m sure you’ll make it work — even if it means tough choices, firm lines, reshuffling things, changing plans. Just sending you hugs as you work through it, I can only imagine how stressful, painful and challenging a process it will be.

  2. Aimee…
    I’m glad you were so honest. First, I’m sorry you feel so stripped of time, especially to spend with Carlos and for your creative outlets which we ALL need to feel charged up and ready to face life. Believe me, I felt a bit of truth in a lot of what you wrote. I often think I don’t have enough time to get done all I need/want to get done either (and I don’t even have a child!!). I wish I could help you brainstorm to figure this out. But one thing I CAN do is be there…if you want to call to talk (or whine!) I can listen. Who knows, maybe this new job wasn’t the best option, even if it initially seemed that way. Who cares…change it…we all make mistakes. You have to find out what will work best for you and your family. I often wonder how much I’m missing out on by always trying to save money. My retirement is not planned well since I started so late to invest in it so I’m often scared out of my mind as to how it will all work out! Don’t regret ever writing anything…I’m sure you did need to vent and somehow I’m sure it will work out in the end. Call/email/text any time. I really want to get together to chat but of course I’m coming up on a tough week (crown on Monday then working Mon, Tues, Wed, off Thurs, on again Fri, Sat). Maybe coffee on Friday afternoon or if you can’t, suggest some times that work for you! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!!

  3. I am so sorry to hear this, and can TOTALLY relate. It’s been a rough year on this front for me too, and I am just getting out of the funk. Take it one step at a time and you’ll get through it. Hope things change for the better soon!

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