I’m pooped today. Yup, me! I’m tired. I have been working a lot of overtime recently. I went into work early last night at 9:30 pm because my boss called and asked me to. She can be very persuasive! I walked into an extremely busy night and just jumped right in. It was my final night of three in a row. My reward is three nights off.
I went for a sluggish four mile run right after work. It was really foggy and misty.
The air was warm though. My legs were sore and heavy from Sunday’s 10 mile run and yesterdays hill/speed workout. No matter how hard I pushed myself I could not seem to pick up the pace. So instead of stressing out about my time I tried to make the most of it and enjoy the peacefulness of my surroundings.
I got some housework done when I came home. While Carlos was outside playing I put together his new pirate tent that he got from the Easter bunny. He came in for lunch but got sidetracked by the tent. He spent about an hour hiding out in it with his DVD player. I took the liberty to sit in the papasan chair on the front porch. Since my brother-in-law was inside with Carlos I also allowed myself to take a cat nap. When my eyes opened minutes later I instantly felt guilty for dozing off. I jumped up to see if Carlos wanted lunch yet.
After lunch Carlos and his uncle went outside to ride bikes. I don’t have a bike so I decided to stay in and “relax.” No sooner did I return to my spot on the front porch the landscaper came to start our annual fertilization program. Our yard was horrible, beyond repair, we thought, when we bought the house. My husband could probably do the treatments himself, but we get a reasonable deal and it’s one less thing for us to worry about. Plus our lawn is finally coming back to life. Anyway I had to go out to unlock the fence and the guy said “oh you look comfortable.” I immediately felt badly again. I felt like I had to justify why I was lounging on the front porch on a Tuesday afternoon.
I never relax. You won’t catch me lying on the sofa watching television. I rarely sit because I’m always in the middle of three things. I am very active everyday with my son. In the lull of the night at work I will empty all the trash behind the nurse’s station and wipe down the counters. I like to be busy. I don’t take naps although that is what my family calls it when I go to bed.
Working nights throws your entire world upside down sometimes. I admittedly do not sleep much, but I do sleep everyday sometimes in the middle of the day or early evening. My husband has a knack for taking Carlos out when I am in the midst of one of my midday rests. They run into people and he simply tells them that I am home sleeping but offers no explanation. I can only imagine what people must think, “oh poor little kid his mommy is asleep at noon on a Saturday. Hmmm I wonder what she did last night?”
I am definitely concerned about what people think, much more than I should be. I know that I shouldn’t be, but it is a very hard habit to break. It is akin to negative self talk and it is something that I am trying to improve as I learn to love myself for who I am and not who I think I should be.
Carlos is playing in the yard now so I have moved to the back porch. It is so warm today it feels like summer. My inner dialogue is trying very hard to reconcile the fact that I am relaxing rather than being physically active right now. Relax does not equal lazy. It is ok to take a break once in a while.